I woke up this morning, in Kuala Lumpur. I got here yesterday evening, after an 8 hour flight from the Gold Coast. I didn’t have a place to stay, as I wasn’t too bothered with pre booking something. But once I eventually found somewhere to stay, after an hour of traipsing around China Town, I met an English girl, who I went and had dinner with. It was so nice to have some company. But all evening, she spoke only about herself and her travels: 3 whole hours!! (I feel bad in saying this, because other than that, she was a lovely girl, but still..). So I sat and listened and listened and ate and listened and ate some more. For those hours I totally forgot what I was actually in the middle of doing and what brought me to be sitting there listening to her telling me how drunk she had gotten and how many men she had been with. Hummm. She definitely got my mind away from all that I would have otherwise been thinking about, which I guess is what I needed.
But everything had been going great and I was feeling so confident in what I was doing. There was no panic. I was chilled-out and relaxed. I didn’t start to feel in doubt or panic, until I got back to the hostel, checked my emails. I read an email that really struck a cord. Too much. It was the wrong time for me to have opened it. I was too tired, I wasn’t able to deal with it and so I should have left it alone. But I didn’t. And when I read the email, which said that I seemed doubtful about what I was doing, I panicked. I thought to myself: Oh no.. if I’ve been coming across as doubting this step that I’m taking and therefore not sure about what I’m doing and so lacking in confidence, then what on earth is going to come of me when I get to India? I started thinking that to have doubts, was to not be able to deal with what’s ahead. I felt weak because of this. I felt I suddenly had to explain myself. I felt I had to now convince people that I’m not doubting going to India and that I’m strong enough to deal with this. So I started rethinking my mannerism and retracing my feelings from the point of leaving Caboolture to arriving in Kuala Lumpur.
I realized that I had been feeling strong within myself. I had put my reason for coming across as doubtful, down to the risk that's involved. So for me to express to the world, or in a telephone conversation, how excited I am or how sure I am that this is the right thing I’m doing, seems to be setting myself up for nasty fall, if this doesn’t work out. There are parts of me that doesn’t want to be too “airy-fairy” about living out a dream in the real world, because the reality can feel so different than what we had hoped it would be in our hearts. To have a realistic approach when living a dream, always makes those encounters or situations that come your way which are less “dreamlike” and therefore difficult challenges - that are always possible to overcome, no matter how hard - easier to handle. A realistic approach in my mind makes the dream in my heart more precious. It makes everything beautiful and all that happens becomes a massive plus. So expect nothing and everything will be a bonus, if beauty is all we choose to see.
I can’t be sure about everything, and I don’t want to be sure about everything. I’m not going to dwell on the doubts, such as work and finances. That’s actually as far as the list goes! But I’m going to take all that I can from the certainties I do have. I can be sure that this step was going to happen sooner or later and therefore is simply something I must do. I can be sure that I’ll feel if I want to make it work. And once I want to make something work, no matter the effort it takes, I know I will. I’m sure that I couldn’t be in a better place with in myself, to handle this. I’m also 100% sure that I’ll rise to whatever challenge I may encounter.
All these certainties I couldn’t feel last night. Even though, as I relived my day, whilst lying in this hot and dirty hostel in Chinatown with the fan zooming all night and with noises surrounding me that were gross enough to turn my stomach, everything really has felt so good and there wasn’t, at any point, the fear that I was doing something wrong. Everything was flowing. Until last night. It all stopped. I wanted the home front to know that I was sure about as many things as I was able to be sure about, in this uncertain world we live in. For me to feel the need to convince others and to maybe even seek their approval through justification, felt suddenly to go against all that I’ve taught myself: which is to NOT convince others, because I know myself inside and out. It was quite the opposite than what I wanted to do last night, in my moments of despair.
Eventually I got to sleep and had amazing dreams. It was so nice! I was so sure of everything. I then woke up and felt so excited! I had butterflies! This was the day! It was only 5am and I had only slept 4 hours. But I didn’t care. I wanted to start the day! And all the things that were playing on my mind before going to sleep last night, had vanished. I didn’t feel I needed to let everyone know that I’m okay. Because I know that I am. This post this morning, was needed for myself, to put last night into perspective. And I have. I was actually able to laugh at myself for reacting so foolishly to something that was said in an email that was meant with so much good intention. It’s amazing how sleep can clear the mind!! The world was, and always will be, such a bright place.
So, with or without doubts. With or without certainty. Everything will unfold as it’s supposed to. It’s going to be amazing, whatever the outcome!