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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

A step forward

What a crazy turn-out this is. I can’t believe my luck at times… When I look back on the life I wished for when I was in China and when I now recall what I was missing both in that particular job as well as outside the job; everything is now coming to me. And it’s because of this job I’ve been given. I can see so clearly, as I take to my ‘new temporary settlement’ here in Sashtavattom that if this position hadn’t been offered to me (or if I hadn’t offered my services) when I was still in Jinzhou, I’d probably not have come back to India, so easily and so ‘quickly’. The fact I knew I was able to start teaching here in Kerala, meant I had a secure position to move towards. So I came and gave myself 7 weeks between both jobs, to focus on other things, besides teaching.

In between leaving China on the 1st of September and starting here at the school on the 24th of October, I’ve learnt so much. Only today I realized that this situation is giving me so many opportunities and I can work on everything I set in motion since leaving China. I thought that maybe things would stop, once the teaching started. But nothing has, and ‘freedom’ hasn’t been taken. Life hasn’t become dull just because I’m working and teaching. On the contrary; life has become more colourful.

During the first 7 weeks in India, I had times when I felt to still be missing something. I’ve felt alone but was convinced that was fine… I didn’t want to fully open up to others and I believed that I didn’t need too many people around me. I thought that it’s what a writer was meant to experience, ALL THE TIME. Such isolation I believed would serve all parts of me and my life. I know that by thinking along these lines, I’ve become the prisoner of my own mind, in the past, and it all was of my own making.

But because I know this now, I’ll be more cautious not to let myself become trapped again, in these thoughts. And stepping back into school has been apart of me opening up again. This environment is showing me that such isolation is not what I, as a person, need. I need to be with the kids, because it gives me expression of the life inside. I realize there’s only so much energy and power I can pour into my writing – when my book or other writings aren’t yet being shared in the way I’d want them to be.

Having a ‘book in waiting’ has felt like my source of imprisonment and frustration at the best of times. This could be hard for others to understand… But this is how it is, for me; all the work, power and energy that’s injected into just one simple book – can lead a person to feel like… nothing, when words aren't being shared yet, or when one fails to practise patience; patience when waiting for the right time, the right person and the right way to come along so the story reach others. Only when the story reaches others, only then is the energy and power being experienced by the reader and one minor but special part of the writer is being recognized. But what about the other parts? What happens to those parts, while they’re waiting to share their passion, excitement and energy?

A person has so many ways in which they can place themselves in the world. A person who knows this shouldn’t sit in isolation and wait for recognition to come from that one particular piece of work (in my case, a book). A person shouldn’t put their journey on hold, and keep their energy contained, letting it go to waste when it could be put to good use, through a different outlet. A person can make themselves be recognized as being whatever they so wish to be, in whatever moment, in whatever situation. So I know that I need this time. I also know that the time will come where others can read me. And, strangely enough, this place lets me feel closer to my book. I feel like I’ve got more options than I did a few weeks ago. I don’t know why… But I know for sure that something is going to happen and the book will be out there and I’ll still be happily teaching.

Before I started this job, I was afraid I’d be turning away from something. But actually, I’m turning towards so much more. I’m not losing my drive or inspiration to write – which was a fear. But this will never happen. I just am now aware that I do need the teaching, because I need that expression of something more, something other than writing. I’ve too much to give, at this point, to keep it all to myself. And these schools will bring out certain parts of me I forgot I had.

In China I wished to connect with people, I wished to be with kids who I could get to know, who I could communicate with. I wished to do yoga and to learn meditation (even though I was doing both, it wasn’t from the heart, it was forced and felt like a chore). I wished to be in a warm climate (like most who live in colder areas...haha), I wanted greenery around me and a life I could live in the open air. I wished to be open to experiences so I could grow and be free to be me and unharmed by others who would judge me. And here it’s happening. I'm seeing things coming together, all in one setting. And I know it's the beginning of something. Don't know what though...

But for now, back to school; and he kids are everything. Really they are. I can get to know them, I can chat with them, I can speak freely to everyone, and I feel people are truly seeing me… For the first time I feel recognition for what I'm doing, at work. This isn't something I"ve wnated for the sake of an inflated ego, but instead it's for me to feel that others are seeing my potential, which means I'm seeing the positive effects. I'm reminded of what I'm doing and I realize how much more I could contribute and progress. And to do this, I'll always need and want to do more than my best.. So it all continues...!!!!

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