Overcoming obstacles that try to throw me off-course
every time, is what I’m doing at the moment. Well, not at this very
moment, but over the past weeks. I knew writing another book wouldn’t be the
easiest thing to do in the world. I’ve learned that from writing the first one.
I remember to have had quite some blockages, fears and frustrations.
Now, with
the second one, I’m faced with them again. I know these fears are due to the outcome being unknown. I don’t know what will come of what I’m
currently doing. And, oh how my mind loves to feed on these fears! Therefore these fears are alive and overpower me as soon as I face a
question mark regarding the direction this story (non-fiction by the way) is
heading towards. The direction can change so suddenly—as there aren’t any set
rules or guidelines as to HOW this story will be told. Only I determine these
things. Oh such freedom! Yes, it’s bliss… when I can keep the mind tamed and free
from fearing the unknown journey this story is taking me on.
A part of me is terrified that if I don’t get
this story into the written word, as soon as possible, that it will vanish and
be gone forever! So sometimes I force the words out of me, wishing for the end
result to already BE NOW. Otherwise, they’ll surely STAY unwritten, unspoken
and unheard of?! But this doesn't help matters at all! It just brings a feeling of being unsettled, unfocused,
uneasy and out of touch. Conclusion: force doesn’t help create at all (I’ve
known this for so long, but that doesn’t mean to say the force will never take
over and think that IT (FORCE) will help move things along a little faster, by
being applied throughout this process!) So CHEEKY!!!
Why is there a part of me so terrified that, just because I
can’t literally grasp the story of this second book that it will disappear? If
it’s ‘in there’, it’s ‘in there’ right?! Nothing is going to erase it or
release it from ME, only ME. If I’m alive, and it's unwritten, then this story will remain inside. If I'm alive, and it's written, then it's outside. So only the strength and determination I, personally, use will
write the words, release it and set it free. Man, I have to get a grip here! This book will never
vanish from ME, not until I, myself, have released it… Okay… Fear, be gone! Fanstastic!
I know the origin of these obstacles though. It’s because of how I
remember the writing of the first book to have been. Yes, I remember
those obstacles, those fears. And because I’m now ‘doing the same thing’ I’ve already told
myself that ‘the same thing’ will happen again, and so OF COURSE they will happen! We
enter a situation with a certain mind-set, whether it’s good or bad, and that mind-set
determines our experience of that circumstance. So, is it any wonder that I’m
having fears, if I’ve welcomed them myself? The mind will always cling to what’s
happened in the past, and whenever it gets the chance to experience that same
thing, it will! The mind, falsely makes us believe that we can’t change or experience a
circumstance in an easy and more effortless way than before.
These
fears are the reason for me to have been up and down lately like a yoyo! It’s been a crazy ride so far. One day I’ll be throwing out words like there’s no
tomorrow, not taking into account the direction it’s taking and
forgetting the point from where I started. I’ll feel brilliant though, because I
know there’s good stuff going on—even if I only use half of it. Then, the next
day, I’m stuck. I can’t see, I’m desperate to have the story finished and
unable to talk about what’s going on because nobody in my surrounding actually
would understand anything of what’s going on--even in those moments I can't! Man, then my emotions feel
trapped, I feel lost…blablabla… Such games I play!
What a delicate process is this
writing… It's made me think about other writers and I’m so
inspired that they CAN sit peacefully, at ease, without any force and let the
story flow! They’ve such discipline, such grace, such effortless focus and have
totally accepted what they’re doing. They’re totally emerged in their story,
totally in the moment of creation and not fearing how the path towards the
complete book will unfold. They know that a ‘block’ is not
really a block! They know that a block is an opportunity that
will open up doors to reveal another layer of the story. They know that blocks
are needed and are not something to fear. They don’t wish away their time and
don’t feel they’re hanging on for dear life—if the words cease to flow! I can
honestly say I’ve had moments when I’ve felt to be losing grip on life… just because
I can’t see the entirety of what I’m doing, just because it’s not happening
fast enough, just because I let myself get too distracted by my surroundings... blablabla...
How hard I am on myself in those moments and how little
peace and quiet this peace- and silence-seeking person really is… This person
who does 2 hours of meditation a day and extensive yoga every morning… Oh such
balance I feel, when I’m in the posture, but then… ‘balance’ will play hide and
seek and I’m all over the place looking for it! Frantically doing what I can, to experience it! But balance only appears if the
mind is at ease, if there’s focus and if there’s trust in the gravitational pulls
and universal support to keep a person standing tall, confident and strong in
their presence here in the world--without fearing a fall!
What gives me a slap and puts me back on track? The very
THING that got me off-track in the first place! Writing and ME.
I see how I’ve
been going round and round and round. Such a rollercoaster ride I've put myself
on. But it needs to be a merry-go-round! So merry, so happy, so easy… just
flowing without force, no crazy twists and turns that shatter me to my core…
Just by simply letting the merry-go-round take over, life happens without
fearing and failing but with balance and triumphs—naturally. I,
unintentionally, put myself on that roller coaster—but still it was my own
choice. And I now, intentionally, put myself on this merry-go-round—again it’s
my own choice. Energy is something too precious to waste on a ride that can
only ‘satisfy’ so briefly. It becomes exhausting. Being tiresome doesn’t mean
we have to get back on the ground, and stop venturing on these rides… it means
we should use our energy on a ride that will keep us moving, flowing and won’t
expend our energies. That’s guaranteed everlasting satisfaction.
I’ll continue and I’ll learn… I’m already realizing how this
book is taking me on my own personal journey. And the perception I choose to
use throughout, is exactly how I’ll come to
experience it. Let it unfold…without force.