A blog about...


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Merry-go-round PLEASE!

Overcoming obstacles that try to throw me off-course every time, is what I’m doing at the moment. Well, not at this very moment, but over the past weeks. I knew writing another book wouldn’t be the easiest thing to do in the world. I’ve learned that from writing the first one. I remember to have had quite some blockages, fears and frustrations. 

Now, with the second one, I’m faced with them again. I know these fears are due to the outcome being unknown. I don’t know what will come of what I’m currently doing. And, oh how my mind loves to feed on these fears! Therefore these fears are alive and overpower me as soon as I face a question mark regarding the direction this story (non-fiction by the way) is heading towards. The direction can change so suddenly—as there aren’t any set rules or guidelines as to HOW this story will be told. Only I determine these things. Oh such freedom! Yes, it’s bliss… when I can keep the mind tamed and free from fearing the unknown journey this story is taking me on. 

A part of me is terrified that if I don’t get this story into the written word, as soon as possible, that it will vanish and be gone forever! So sometimes I force the words out of me, wishing for the end result to already BE NOW. Otherwise, they’ll surely STAY unwritten, unspoken and unheard of?! But this doesn't help matters at all! It just brings a feeling of being unsettled, unfocused, uneasy and out of touch. Conclusion: force doesn’t help create at all (I’ve known this for so long, but that doesn’t mean to say the force will never take over and think that IT (FORCE) will help move things along a little faster, by being applied throughout this process!) So CHEEKY!!!

Why is there a part of me so terrified that, just because I can’t literally grasp the story of this second book that it will disappear? If it’s ‘in there’, it’s ‘in there’ right?! Nothing is going to erase it or release it from ME, only ME. If I’m alive, and it's unwritten, then this story will remain inside. If I'm alive, and it's written, then it's outside. So only the strength and determination I, personally, use will write the words, release it and set it free. Man, I have to get a grip here! This book will never vanish from ME, not until I, myself, have released it… Okay… Fear, be gone! Fanstastic!   

I know the origin of these obstacles though. It’s because of how I remember the writing of the first book to have been. Yes, I remember those obstacles, those fears. And because I’m now ‘doing the same thing’ I’ve already told myself that ‘the same thing’ will happen again, and so OF COURSE they will happen! We enter a situation with a certain mind-set, whether it’s good or bad, and that mind-set determines our experience of that circumstance. So, is it any wonder that I’m having fears, if I’ve welcomed them myself? The mind will always cling to what’s happened in the past, and whenever it gets the chance to experience that same thing, it will! The mind, falsely makes us believe that we can’t change or experience a circumstance in an easy and more effortless way than before. 

These fears are the reason for me to have been up and down lately like a yoyo! It’s been a crazy ride so far. One day I’ll be throwing out words like there’s no tomorrow, not taking into account the direction it’s taking and forgetting the point from where I started. I’ll feel brilliant though, because I know there’s good stuff going on—even if I only use half of it. Then, the next day, I’m stuck. I can’t see, I’m desperate to have the story finished and unable to talk about what’s going on because nobody in my surrounding actually would understand anything of what’s going on--even in those moments I can't! Man, then my emotions feel trapped, I feel lost…blablabla… Such games I play! 

What a delicate process is this writing… It's made me think about other writers and I’m so inspired that they CAN sit peacefully, at ease, without any force and let the story flow! They’ve such discipline, such grace, such effortless focus and have totally accepted what they’re doing. They’re totally emerged in their story, totally in the moment of creation and not fearing how the path towards the complete book will unfold. They know that a ‘block’ is not really a block! They know that a block is an opportunity that will open up doors to reveal another layer of the story. They know that blocks are needed and are not something to fear. They don’t wish away their time and don’t feel they’re hanging on for dear life—if the words cease to flow! I can honestly say I’ve had moments when I’ve felt to be losing grip on life… just because I can’t see the entirety of what I’m doing, just because it’s not happening fast enough, just because I let myself get too distracted by my surroundings... blablabla...

How hard I am on myself in those moments and how little peace and quiet this peace- and silence-seeking person really is… This person who does 2 hours of meditation a day and extensive yoga every morning… Oh such balance I feel, when I’m in the posture, but then… ‘balance’ will play hide and seek and I’m all over the place looking for it! Frantically doing what I can, to experience it! But balance only appears if the mind is at ease, if there’s focus and if there’s trust in the gravitational pulls and universal support to keep a person standing tall, confident and strong in their presence here in the world--without fearing a fall!

What gives me a slap and puts me back on track? The very THING that got me off-track in the first place! Writing and ME. 

I see how I’ve been going round and round and round. Such a rollercoaster ride I've put myself on. But it needs to be a merry-go-round! So merry, so happy, so easy… just flowing without force, no crazy twists and turns that shatter me to my core… Just by simply letting the merry-go-round take over, life happens without fearing and failing but with balance and triumphs—naturally. I, unintentionally, put myself on that roller coaster—but still it was my own choice. And I now, intentionally, put myself on this merry-go-round—again it’s my own choice. Energy is something too precious to waste on a ride that can only ‘satisfy’ so briefly. It becomes exhausting. Being tiresome doesn’t mean we have to get back on the ground, and stop venturing on these rides… it means we should use our energy on a ride that will keep us moving, flowing and won’t expend our energies. That’s guaranteed everlasting satisfaction.

I’ll continue and I’ll learn… I’m already realizing how this book is taking me on my own personal journey. And the perception I choose to use throughout, is exactly how I’ll come to experience it. Let it unfold…without force.    

No comments:

Post a Comment