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THE FREEDOM TO CREATE BRINGS US THE FREEDOM TO LIVE



Sunday, December 2, 2012

The first signing... Insights all around me!



December 1st – the first book signing. And how did it go? Well, different than expected. Actually, I’m not too sure what I’d expected. Rows and rows of people falling out of the sky, eager to ‘meet the author of…’? Is that what I had in mind? Well, considering the fact that nobody knows me from Adam, no, that’s not what I’d expected. But this morning, before heading out the door, I just hoped that I wouldn’t be sitting there like a lost soul on a deserted island without anybody in sight. And that didn’t happen! What I’d also hoped for was for those who did just so happen to stroll on by the little table at which I was sitting, just outside Eason’s bookstore in the Bridgewater Shopping Centre in Arklow town from 11.30am this morning, to at least be interested in knowing what the book is about. And that wasn’t really what happened… Or maybe from a distance people were paying an interest, but up-close and personal, it wasn’t really the case. Most shoppers/browsers seemed daunted to come up to the table and see the book that’d been written by someone from the town. It was as if they were scared, for whatever reason; scared they’d ‘have’ to buy the book or simply uninterested and distracted by the hype that was going (Santa was in the Shopping Centre too, so there were lots of kids. I actually thought that would be a good thing, but on hindsight, maybe not).

Having said that… almost everyone who strolled by DID at least take a second glance, just to see the author outside of Eason’s. God… I was delighted when some people ‘dared’ to come over, look at the book and accept a bookmark from me! I mean, am I that scary? Hummmm… Then it clicked: Ahhhh…. Niamh… you’re not scary, but the topic of the book is a ‘sore’ and ‘sensitive’ subject. I mean, come on, I HAVE to see things from other people’s perspective too…

This book is about anorexia… People, especially if they’re insecure for whatever reasons, can easily be taken-back if they come to stand face-to-face with somebody who is happily sharing their story about an illness that destroys and even takes the lives of thousands of people. Whereas I’m sitting there, giving myself full exposure, not giving 2 hoots, just wishing to make a difference... As if I’ve not a care in the world, as if it’s the lightest of books to read, as if I’m promoting a story of fictional magic that’s accessible to anybody and everybody and doesn’t bring people to face their fears! And, realistically, if anybody IS experiencing any degree of insecurity, they’re hardly going to come up to a table that’s in the middle of the busiest place in Arklow and ‘expose’ themselves as having interest in a book about anorexia! God… Duuuhhhh!!!!! It’s something that’s such a taboo…

As well, we all know what it’s like when we go into a bookshop, we buy a book, and if it’s on ‘bad’ days we can feel self-conscious and judged by others who are browsing or even by the staff, simply because of our choice of book – regardless if they actually are or aren’t judging us. As I’m writing this, I'm mainly having visions of youngsters; those who know that something’s wrong with their habitual behaviour or compulsive need to unhealthily control their lives, but are too ashamed, self-conscious and scared to own-up, open-up and take tiny steps in changing their ways.

Another thing struck me today too, as I sat there. Holy smoke… (what a day of insights I’ve had… simply for sitting at table… ‘signing’ the odd book!) I realized: Wow! THIS is what I’m standing up and placing myself in the public eye as BEING! (even if the ‘public eye’ is still only the eyes of the Arklow) I know I’ve been over this a million times before… But today it clicked once again: With time, as things take on more of a direction, this really IS the ‘thing’ I’ll be recognized for: Anorexia, Recovered. Wow! Is this me, labelled for life? Will it travel with me? Or will I be leaving it in the past, by setting it free in the world, as I continue to stand beside it and reach the people? Hummm… 

But by standing by this book, I’m not actually letting it go? Or maybe, I’m just changing the ‘relationship’ with ‘it’, with the eating disorder, with that chapter of my life. Yes… I see how it is! For nearly 6 years it’s been a part of my life (in 2006 it started setting in). It tightened its grip until 2008, then it loosed and released and I kept it loose for quite some time. Then it took up a different space in my life: it brought me to write Digesting Wisdom. Suddenly it tightened its grip again (in China) and I’ve been loosening it ever since. And right now, where I’m at is that it’s bringing me to write again! Through it all, it’s been teaching and guiding me, even as it manifested and was destroying me. It’s been such a huge part of my life, for years – and I have to see how the relationship needs to keep changing, as it’s turning into the purest of forms. Letting it go… passing it on…

I know now that if I don’t continue to stand by it, let it go and make something pure of it, the disorder will STILL be with me, but the power it then holds will, once again, become destructive. This is what I've learned over the past 3 years. So, for my own sake, I have to keep standing by this every-changing relationship, on every level. I have to see how, yes, it’s been my demon, but how it’s become my gift – whether or not others are terrified of what I’m willing to be recognized for. I have to see how it’s been my teacher and has put me on this amazing path. Even if I can feel exposed, and at times, terrified. But that’s fine! It’s a process of change and clearance. I’m teaching myself and growing beyond this and becoming stronger than such a false power. The lessons I was meant to learn, as a result of anorexia, are STILL on-going. I’m still teaching myself, through writing, and if it’s possible, I’ll continue to share these lessons as time comes to pass.

It’s all a process of change that unfolds one step at a time. Nothing is instant and nothing should be forced, whatever those around me may say. After quite some doubting and questioning, I’m now certain that I’m not letting anorexia dictate who I am, in the eyes of those who I come to cross paths with, but I’m letting anorexia be a part of who I’m still becoming. And what or who that is…? Maybe somebody who is simply seeking a balanced, happy, inspiring, creative and loving life. Isn’t that what everyone wants? I think so… therefore I’m no different. At the source, we’re all the same, we’re all in this game, playing the hand of cards we’ve been given so we can make the most out of our time here on earth. And that’s all I’m doing. So I continue to let go. Thank you thank you thank you and love you love you love you love you love you!!!!

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