December 1st – the first book signing. And how
did it go? Well, different than expected. Actually, I’m not too sure what I’d
expected. Rows and rows of people falling out of the sky, eager to ‘meet the
author of…’? Is that what I had in mind? Well, considering the fact that nobody
knows me from Adam, no, that’s not what I’d expected. But this morning, before
heading out the door, I just hoped that I wouldn’t be sitting there like a lost
soul on a deserted island without anybody in sight. And that didn’t happen!
What I’d also hoped for was for those who did just so happen to stroll on by
the little table at which I was sitting, just outside Eason’s bookstore in the
Bridgewater Shopping Centre in Arklow town from 11.30am this morning, to at
least be interested in knowing what the book is about. And that wasn’t really
what happened… Or maybe from a distance people were paying an interest, but
up-close and personal, it wasn’t really the case. Most shoppers/browsers seemed
daunted to come up to the table and see the book that’d been written by someone
from the town. It was as if they were scared, for whatever reason; scared
they’d ‘have’ to buy the book or simply uninterested and distracted by the hype
that was going (Santa was in the Shopping Centre too, so there were lots of
kids. I actually thought that would be a good thing, but on hindsight, maybe
not).
Having said that… almost everyone who strolled by DID at
least take a second glance, just to see the author outside of Eason’s. God… I
was delighted when some people ‘dared’ to come over, look at the book and
accept a bookmark from me! I mean, am I that scary? Hummmm… Then it clicked:
Ahhhh…. Niamh… you’re not scary, but the topic of the book is a ‘sore’ and ‘sensitive’
subject. I mean, come on, I HAVE to see things from other people’s perspective
too…
This book is about anorexia… People, especially if they’re
insecure for whatever reasons, can easily be taken-back if they come to stand
face-to-face with somebody who is happily sharing their story about an illness
that destroys and even takes the lives of thousands of people. Whereas I’m
sitting there, giving myself full exposure, not giving 2 hoots, just wishing to make a
difference... As if I’ve not a care in the world, as if it’s the lightest of
books to read, as if I’m promoting a story of fictional magic that’s accessible
to anybody and everybody and doesn’t bring people to face their fears! And, realistically, if anybody IS experiencing any degree of
insecurity, they’re hardly going to come up to a table that’s in the middle of
the busiest place in Arklow and ‘expose’ themselves as having interest in a
book about anorexia! God… Duuuhhhh!!!!! It’s something that’s such a taboo…
As well, we all know what it’s like when we go into a
bookshop, we buy a book, and if it’s on ‘bad’ days we can feel self-conscious
and judged by others who are browsing or even by the staff, simply because of
our choice of book – regardless if they actually are or aren’t judging us. As
I’m writing this, I'm mainly having visions of youngsters; those who know that
something’s wrong with their habitual behaviour or compulsive need to
unhealthily control their lives, but are too ashamed, self-conscious and scared
to own-up, open-up and take tiny steps in changing their ways.
Another thing struck me today too, as I sat there. Holy
smoke… (what a day of insights I’ve had… simply for sitting at table… ‘signing’
the odd book!) I realized: Wow! THIS is what I’m standing up and placing myself
in the public eye as BEING! (even if the ‘public eye’ is still only the eyes of
the Arklow) I know I’ve been over this a million times before… But today it
clicked once again: With time, as things take on more of a direction, this
really IS the ‘thing’ I’ll be recognized for: Anorexia, Recovered. Wow! Is this
me, labelled for life? Will it travel with me? Or will I be leaving it in the
past, by setting it free in the world, as I continue to stand beside it and reach
the people? Hummm…
But by standing by this book, I’m not actually letting it
go? Or maybe, I’m just changing the ‘relationship’ with ‘it’, with the eating
disorder, with that chapter of my life. Yes… I see how it is! For nearly 6 years
it’s been a part of my life (in 2006 it started setting in). It tightened its
grip until 2008, then it loosed and released and I kept it loose for quite some
time. Then it took up a different space in my life: it brought me to write
Digesting Wisdom. Suddenly it tightened its grip again (in China) and I’ve been
loosening it ever since. And right now, where I’m at is that it’s bringing me
to write again! Through it all, it’s been teaching and guiding me, even as it
manifested and was destroying me. It’s been such a huge part of my life, for
years – and I have to see how the relationship needs to keep changing, as it’s
turning into the purest of forms. Letting it go… passing it on…
I know now that if I don’t continue to stand by it, let it go and make
something pure of it, the disorder will STILL be with me, but the power it then
holds will, once again, become destructive. This is what I've learned over the past 3 years. So, for my own sake, I have to keep
standing by this every-changing relationship, on every level. I have to see
how, yes, it’s been my demon, but how it’s become my gift – whether or not
others are terrified of what I’m willing to be recognized for. I have to see how
it’s been my teacher and has put me on this amazing path. Even if I can feel
exposed, and at times, terrified. But that’s fine! It’s a process of change and
clearance. I’m teaching myself and growing beyond this and becoming stronger
than such a false power. The lessons I was meant to learn, as a result of
anorexia, are STILL on-going. I’m still teaching myself, through writing, and
if it’s possible, I’ll continue to share these lessons as time comes to pass.
It’s all a process of change that unfolds one step at a
time. Nothing is instant and nothing should be forced, whatever those around me
may say. After quite some doubting and questioning, I’m now certain that I’m
not letting anorexia dictate who I am, in the eyes of those who I come to cross
paths with, but I’m letting anorexia be a part of who I’m still becoming. And
what or who that is…? Maybe somebody who is simply seeking a balanced, happy, inspiring,
creative and loving life. Isn’t that what everyone wants? I think so… therefore
I’m no different. At the source, we’re all the same, we’re all in this game, playing
the hand of cards we’ve been given so we can make the most out of our time here
on earth. And that’s all I’m doing. So I continue to let go. Thank you thank
you thank you and love you love you love you love you love you!!!!
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