It really is true that a new year brings new things to enter. But before we can actually get on with new things and let them unfold, we have to move on from something that suddenly has become old.
Last week, I felt things had changed in the cottage. It wasn’t only because I finished the first draft of the sequel. No. It was more than that. At first, I couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. But soon it became clear. I simply wasn’t happy in those circumstances anymore. When I initially realized I wasn’t happy, I was ‘set’ on doing everything I could, just to stay there in a positive frame of mind and not let my landlady down by moving onwards sooner than we’d agreed. But I realized I wasn’t doing myself any favours if I were to force myself to stay. Because, in being totally honest, I felt I’d stopped living, I felt isolated, uninspired, lost, disconnected, cold and alone. I got tangled in this spiral of negative thinking that was starting to swallow me. It became nearly impossible to shake.
I think I’ve grown-up enough to follow through the things in life that are ONLY making me happy; finally I’m done with self-torture and self-created limitations.
So… in realizing I wanted to leave, I could put this to the test... And I passed with flying colours! Without ignoring my feelings, and with little procrastination, I told the landlady that my circumstances had changed and I’d have to go to back Arklow at the end of the month. Only by having done that my life has been lifted from my shoulders!
This happened last week. Was I instantly feeling sane again? At times yes. But other times, I was (and still am) trapped in that spiral of self-destructive thinking. Even though the change has been set in motion and I’m becoming unstuck and free again, it’s a change that kind of came out of nowhere; I thought this set-up would be in place for the next 5 months! I thought I’d be happy to keep giving my full focus to both books. But I’m not. Yes, writing is amazing. But it’s not everything. It’s something I can only focus on for so long and THEN new experiences need to be welcomed. As well, I need space and distance from what I’ve so far put on paper. Writing that second story was a deep journey; in ways I think I shocked my system and stretched my potential. And now my mind simply isn’t capable of working on the next step (which would be editing it). It’s simply too overwhelming.
The change being so unforeseen, meant I thought, only up until 2 weeks ago, that I'd have months to consider what to do next with my life and where to go. But suddenly, needing to move onwards, means a choice needs to be made in what direction.
Being so isolated, there was nobody to tell me where to go or what to do. It's totally up to me and me alone to figure out what I want and I only I can start making that happen. But that's quite tough, when a person is operating from such a negative frame, without the normal 'spark of life' to make things fall into place.
In being alone and facing honestly what was going on, I realized that, all along, I’ve known what I want. I knew I’d always travel again. Even before I started writing, I knew I’d leave. But only now I see how many fears I’d created in my mind, over the past year, in regards to travel…!!! I’d convinced myself travel was ‘bad’ for me and I wasn’t meant to be moving… Travel was ‘supposedly’ ‘Niamh running away from herself’. But travel has been my greatest teacher! So how can it be bad? Yet I’d made myself believe that getting on a plane was the wrong thing to do and I thought I’d be failing if I didn’t keep trying my best to stay in Ireland. I know now though that I’d be an even greater ‘failure’ in my own eyes, if I were to ignore what my heart is telling me to do, instead of trying to do what others ‘think’ an (almost) 30 year old ‘should’ to be doing with her life.
To simplify things: I stayed, because it wasn’t time to leave. And it was good that I did. And now I’ll leave because it isn’t time to stay. It’s so simple…
Things can be so EASY, when we get ourselves out of the way and do what we really want to do!
Anyhow… now that I know I DO want to move onwards, I’m choosing to go ONWARDS to Arklow. I know this will unsettle me and I’ll get moving. Step by step, I can shake how stagnant I feel life, or I’ve, become. Staying with my mam for the next few months, I can make plans, get my finances into gear, open myself up more to the world and connect with people on a daily basis (which is something I’ve missed out on quite a bit!). I can soon step out beyond Ireland once again, without feeling I’m doing something ‘wrong’. No. I'm going with the flow. That's what life is all about; it's for living, for connecting and sharing who we are.
There’s a time for closing the door the world, and seeing what we ourselves are capable of. When that closure has let us reach our potential, it’s then time to live the change, to open the door to the world again and see what’s out there.