So, what’s been ‘going down’, here in good ol’ Chennai? Well, I’ve thrown myself into the book world!!!! The freedom I have in this particular set-up, is only pushing for me to work on getting my book to the reader. Yes, it’s going to be a slow process and - for the moment - a full-time job. But, no, I’m not going to let that stop me from re-starting what I’d put to one side when I was in China (namely: publishing). I know that every hour of study, research and preparation I put into the ‘DIY-publishing’ (or ‘self-publishing’ as it’s more commonly known) will be worth it.
For the past week, I’ve been working my ass off… Every day I’ve been reading online, comparing options, contacting people, getting more computer- and web-wise… And after many severe moments of dazed confusion, I’ve forced myself to put my pride to one side, admit to my ignorance and ask questions. Luckily, I’ve always found the answers. How? By connecting with online experts in the field of writing, with buddies who understand how much this means to me, with my family, with my mam and most importantly, with myself.
This brings me to ‘short’ and (as always) reflective rant… sorry… (feel free to tune-out at any time, I won’t be offended)… When I was on the meditation course and in that zone, I was living and breathing my book. I knew and felt so strongly that it was the only thing in the world I needed to do. I’m not going to go too deep into just how powerful this urgency was, or what sacrifices I was willing to never be fazed to make, just for the sake of my book reaching readers wherever in the world, through whatever means necessary - this isn’t the time or the place to go ‘there’. If we meet in person, I’ll be happy to share ;)
Anyhow… back on track. In my last post I briefly spoke of not knowing how to place myself in the world – just after the course ended. And now, I can see that I was ‘starting a fresh’ and feeling like a lost child for a while. BUT, since starting to work with so much excitement and passion on my book, I’m finding my feet again. I’m finding a way to place myself in the world, simply by being apart of the book world. At the moment, it doesn’t even matter how insignificant a role I’m playing, I’m joining in and I’m apart of the game. I’m absorbed and I feel apart of life more so than ever before… Hummmm… Is this a slight exaggeration here on my behalf? It doesn’t feel as if it is… it’s the only way I can describe what’s going on right now. I guess, to put it less extravagant: I’m more clear of my place in the world – and I’m not referring to India, to Ireland, to China, to Australia, to Africa, to America (going a little extreme again) Nope… I’m referring to NONE of these places; it doesn’t matter where I am. Because I’m doing what I need to be doing, and it’s something I’ll be doing for the rest of my life. I’m loving every minute.
So, I dumped all of my teaching stuff from my mind, when I was in 10 days of silence and over these past 2 weeks I’ve been putting into practise what I saw before me. Again, I don’t care if this is sounding airy-fairy to anybody… you’re still free to tune-out! I’m gonna keep on typing… Yes! I’m continuing to use my clear mind to keep my long-term goals clear (from which I’ll remain detached, by the way). With this clarity I can learn, envision and create as much as I like, before I have to start accumulating teaching stuff once again. Oh oh!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is where it gets tricky!!!!!!
Why? Because, on the 1st of November I’m due to start teaching again… Ooops…
Friday, October 14, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
REAL LIFE concluded
I remember during one of the last meditations: I was struck by a fear when thinking of the outside world; I didn’t know how I’d experience it. I didn’t want to face the changes. I didn’t want to take off the glasses I’d been wearing – that had always made me blind and ignorant to any suffering inside of myself as well as outside. But I’d by going into silence, I’d started the process of truly opening my eyes. And reality first needs to be witnessed inside, only then can it be witnessed it outside. So I was wary because I felt the change. But I had no choice. I had to be apart of the world; which was/is India.
But, hang on! Hadn’t I desperately needed to be here, when I was in China??!!! Yes I had… So why suddenly reject an awaiting world of which I should want to apart of? Well, thankfully, with reality comes clarity and I’m able to put it into perspective. In China, only India would’ve made me happy. Why? Well… whilst being unhappy in a situation, we’ll always force ourselves to move mountains and reach a place that, once upon a time, had been magical, in the hope that the chosen place of refuge will offer all that we desire, once again.
And to me personally, India always represented magic. So I believed I could only have a life of magic, whilst being ONLY here. So, I came. And ended up on the meditation course, where I was faced with my own reality. This is the best thing that could’ve happened to me. Because it’s leading me to witness the reality in this part of the world; India. And this in turn, this truth of this present place, has released so much of pressure. Suddenly I can happily accept the dualities I’m faced with and I feel there’s no need to cling to India and this experience, for dear life (which is what I did last year and was trying to do from the beginning of this trip too - so terrified I was that something would happen and I’d need to leave and my world would crash, for not being in this magical spot). Because it’s changing. Or I’m changing. I know that magic and excitement can be experienced, but so can tragedy and heartache.
Does this mean I’m no more an optimist but instead a pessimist? Not at all! Does this mean I’m going to hop on a plane and head back to Ireland? Nope. What does it mean? It means I can start letting-go of the need to ALWAYS see magic. There’s no NEED for this! If I see, feel, hear or taste it, then so be it. If I don’t, I don’t! I don’t need to search India for it. I don’t need to search the world for it. Because for all the magic I can experience, I know there’s just as much misery. And by forcing myself to only see and feel bliss, I’m blind to pain. But in this blind-sighted ignorance, pain isn’t resolved. If the pain arose and wasn’t dealt with, it won’t disappear. It will still be there, simmering, brewing, stewing. But not being attended to… My natural tendency to always be optimistic can smother a painful truth that could be harmful in the long run. And…. Voila! This is exactly what happened in China!!!! Wouw… yes yes yes… What a lesson I’m learning, just as I’m typing this! So, to come to a conclusion: If magic appears, I embrace it. If darkness appears, I embrace it. In both cases, I thank my lucky stars because I’m here to experience and to be inspired by it.
What I’d hoped to gain from meditation really is happening. A slow process, but it’s starting. I’d said, before entering the 10 days of silence, that I wanted become grounded in my travels. Meaning; I wanted to stop pushing to be elsewhere, which is a push that comes from my urgency to search and experience magic. We believe it’s always somewhere else and never in the present situation… As a result we always wish to be some place else. It’s the search for a perfect world. But… it doesn’t exsist! If we search for perfection in the world, and are guided by the LIE that there is such a place, then life will present one struggle after another. One collision with dreams and reality will follow the next… A person would never stop and smell the roses or smell the urine!!! Depending on where they are…
I see so clearly that this is exactly what I’ve been doing. But I wished for it not to be so, before entering silence… I wished to become more grounded, or to at least find something that would offer me even the tiniest of degrees of grounding so I could start living in this present situation, accepting that these are the choices I’ve made, and be fully responsible for my actions, without feeling that to move would be better the already amazing situation I’d place myself in. I wished to settle into a lifestyle that gradually takes me all over and that’s here and now, for however long I want it to last, without a time limit attached. When we see that something will end, we cling to it, if it’s good, and we wish it away, if it’s bad. But if travel is my life, and life can present us with both good and bad, then I don’t have to cling to the place I’m in, or crave for the place I’m going to. Every situation is will always change, magic comes and goes, as does misery.
Every stop is only temporary… For every place, there’s a time to arrive and a time to leave… It’s so simple, so logical, but only truly truly truly clear, when it’s being lived. And a person can only realize if it’s being lived, by taking a step back and reflecting. Those reflections are then taken forward as the next venture is embarked on… Yes… and this is my reason for blogging!!!! This is so grounding, this is so real… this is life. Wouw… Thank you so so much for reading… forever grateful...
But, hang on! Hadn’t I desperately needed to be here, when I was in China??!!! Yes I had… So why suddenly reject an awaiting world of which I should want to apart of? Well, thankfully, with reality comes clarity and I’m able to put it into perspective. In China, only India would’ve made me happy. Why? Well… whilst being unhappy in a situation, we’ll always force ourselves to move mountains and reach a place that, once upon a time, had been magical, in the hope that the chosen place of refuge will offer all that we desire, once again.
And to me personally, India always represented magic. So I believed I could only have a life of magic, whilst being ONLY here. So, I came. And ended up on the meditation course, where I was faced with my own reality. This is the best thing that could’ve happened to me. Because it’s leading me to witness the reality in this part of the world; India. And this in turn, this truth of this present place, has released so much of pressure. Suddenly I can happily accept the dualities I’m faced with and I feel there’s no need to cling to India and this experience, for dear life (which is what I did last year and was trying to do from the beginning of this trip too - so terrified I was that something would happen and I’d need to leave and my world would crash, for not being in this magical spot). Because it’s changing. Or I’m changing. I know that magic and excitement can be experienced, but so can tragedy and heartache.
Does this mean I’m no more an optimist but instead a pessimist? Not at all! Does this mean I’m going to hop on a plane and head back to Ireland? Nope. What does it mean? It means I can start letting-go of the need to ALWAYS see magic. There’s no NEED for this! If I see, feel, hear or taste it, then so be it. If I don’t, I don’t! I don’t need to search India for it. I don’t need to search the world for it. Because for all the magic I can experience, I know there’s just as much misery. And by forcing myself to only see and feel bliss, I’m blind to pain. But in this blind-sighted ignorance, pain isn’t resolved. If the pain arose and wasn’t dealt with, it won’t disappear. It will still be there, simmering, brewing, stewing. But not being attended to… My natural tendency to always be optimistic can smother a painful truth that could be harmful in the long run. And…. Voila! This is exactly what happened in China!!!! Wouw… yes yes yes… What a lesson I’m learning, just as I’m typing this! So, to come to a conclusion: If magic appears, I embrace it. If darkness appears, I embrace it. In both cases, I thank my lucky stars because I’m here to experience and to be inspired by it.
What I’d hoped to gain from meditation really is happening. A slow process, but it’s starting. I’d said, before entering the 10 days of silence, that I wanted become grounded in my travels. Meaning; I wanted to stop pushing to be elsewhere, which is a push that comes from my urgency to search and experience magic. We believe it’s always somewhere else and never in the present situation… As a result we always wish to be some place else. It’s the search for a perfect world. But… it doesn’t exsist! If we search for perfection in the world, and are guided by the LIE that there is such a place, then life will present one struggle after another. One collision with dreams and reality will follow the next… A person would never stop and smell the roses or smell the urine!!! Depending on where they are…
I see so clearly that this is exactly what I’ve been doing. But I wished for it not to be so, before entering silence… I wished to become more grounded, or to at least find something that would offer me even the tiniest of degrees of grounding so I could start living in this present situation, accepting that these are the choices I’ve made, and be fully responsible for my actions, without feeling that to move would be better the already amazing situation I’d place myself in. I wished to settle into a lifestyle that gradually takes me all over and that’s here and now, for however long I want it to last, without a time limit attached. When we see that something will end, we cling to it, if it’s good, and we wish it away, if it’s bad. But if travel is my life, and life can present us with both good and bad, then I don’t have to cling to the place I’m in, or crave for the place I’m going to. Every situation is will always change, magic comes and goes, as does misery.
Every stop is only temporary… For every place, there’s a time to arrive and a time to leave… It’s so simple, so logical, but only truly truly truly clear, when it’s being lived. And a person can only realize if it’s being lived, by taking a step back and reflecting. Those reflections are then taken forward as the next venture is embarked on… Yes… and this is my reason for blogging!!!! This is so grounding, this is so real… this is life. Wouw… Thank you so so much for reading… forever grateful...
REAL LIFE
Taking a 15 hour bus journey from Kerala and rocking-up in Chennai on Saturday afternoon (the 1st of October), brought me back to a place so familiar. Instantly being in this huge city, with approximately 10 million people, felt so normal. Forgotten memories came flooding back, when I was sitting on the local bus, stuck in traffic, sweating bullets, cramped on a seat with a sweating mother and child and trying for my baggage and me, not to get in the way of the 30 other passengers. It was as if I’d never left…. The joys of city life!
When I was in China, the place I thought most about, when wishing to be in India, was Chennai. I wanted so desperately to return to the base I’d found when I was here last year. The base being at Jayanthis house. And here I am, being given the chance, once again, to be apart of their lives and apart of this city life, just for a short while. This step has made me realize just how easy and comfortable it’s gotten for me to be apart of peoples lives, even after time has passed. I rest easily, in places that aren’t native to me. I put my bags down, for however long we both feel it’s comfortable. And no matter how far I travel or where I may go or what challenges may occur along the way, there are always people I can turn to, those who I’ve met along the way, who I know will always be there in their place of residence. I happily let myself be absorbed in their lives and give all I can, in many different ways. And just as easily as I approach them for help, I easily accept their rejection, should my time of knocking not be the right one. And the only way to know if there’s comfort and ease on both sides, is by being honest. I figure, it’s all I can be, so as to maintain the balance in our friendship. And I can only hope that it’s happening right now, in my current situation.
So… for now, I’m placed in Chennai. It had been such an important place for me, during my trip last year. And I think it’s only normal for me to automatically witness the changes in myself just by being placed in the same place and a similar situation.
After the meditation course ended, I wondered how I’d see life. I wondered if there’d be any huge differences in me. And now in Chennai, I can notice the affects. The course really has opened my eyes. I see REALITY so REAL now… And Chennai is the perfect place to be confronted with the truth of India. Being here, and looking back on my China experience, I see that life can’t always be magical, amazing or ‘out of this world’. We can’t always be flying high on excitement. The amount of pressure a person is put under (which is self inflicted) when this ‘LIE’ (of always needing to be flying high on life or else a life is wasted) feels like such a TRUTH. BUT TRUTH BE KNOWN: it’s harmful to live life in such a way. We think that by seeking and moving towards amazement, we’re bound to be happy and successful in all that we do. But how can happiness and success come when we’re secretly forcing ourselves to be ecstatic in every single situation. When life isn’t like that?!
I see it so clearly now: when I was in China, India was magic. When I was Ireland, India was magic. When I was India last year, India was magic. And how is India now? India is… REAL. Yes it’s mystical, but it’s also harsh. It’s colourful, but it’s dirty. It can smell of jasmine flowers but of urine too. It’s full of warm hearted people, but of people who possess corrupted warped minds too.
Where has this come from? Well, during the 10 silent and secluded days - which could’ve taken place anywhere in the world - I got so in touch with the reality of ME: I saw light and dark together. And I happily saw that I’m no where near being a saint, just for the fact that I can easily be a devil. Good and bad are inside. And that’s so nice, real and true. After experiencing this truth so closely in my physical body, and coming out of meditation mode, it was only natural for me to be forced to see that same reality in the world around me; good and bad side by side.
When I was in China, the place I thought most about, when wishing to be in India, was Chennai. I wanted so desperately to return to the base I’d found when I was here last year. The base being at Jayanthis house. And here I am, being given the chance, once again, to be apart of their lives and apart of this city life, just for a short while. This step has made me realize just how easy and comfortable it’s gotten for me to be apart of peoples lives, even after time has passed. I rest easily, in places that aren’t native to me. I put my bags down, for however long we both feel it’s comfortable. And no matter how far I travel or where I may go or what challenges may occur along the way, there are always people I can turn to, those who I’ve met along the way, who I know will always be there in their place of residence. I happily let myself be absorbed in their lives and give all I can, in many different ways. And just as easily as I approach them for help, I easily accept their rejection, should my time of knocking not be the right one. And the only way to know if there’s comfort and ease on both sides, is by being honest. I figure, it’s all I can be, so as to maintain the balance in our friendship. And I can only hope that it’s happening right now, in my current situation.
So… for now, I’m placed in Chennai. It had been such an important place for me, during my trip last year. And I think it’s only normal for me to automatically witness the changes in myself just by being placed in the same place and a similar situation.
After the meditation course ended, I wondered how I’d see life. I wondered if there’d be any huge differences in me. And now in Chennai, I can notice the affects. The course really has opened my eyes. I see REALITY so REAL now… And Chennai is the perfect place to be confronted with the truth of India. Being here, and looking back on my China experience, I see that life can’t always be magical, amazing or ‘out of this world’. We can’t always be flying high on excitement. The amount of pressure a person is put under (which is self inflicted) when this ‘LIE’ (of always needing to be flying high on life or else a life is wasted) feels like such a TRUTH. BUT TRUTH BE KNOWN: it’s harmful to live life in such a way. We think that by seeking and moving towards amazement, we’re bound to be happy and successful in all that we do. But how can happiness and success come when we’re secretly forcing ourselves to be ecstatic in every single situation. When life isn’t like that?!
I see it so clearly now: when I was in China, India was magic. When I was Ireland, India was magic. When I was India last year, India was magic. And how is India now? India is… REAL. Yes it’s mystical, but it’s also harsh. It’s colourful, but it’s dirty. It can smell of jasmine flowers but of urine too. It’s full of warm hearted people, but of people who possess corrupted warped minds too.
Where has this come from? Well, during the 10 silent and secluded days - which could’ve taken place anywhere in the world - I got so in touch with the reality of ME: I saw light and dark together. And I happily saw that I’m no where near being a saint, just for the fact that I can easily be a devil. Good and bad are inside. And that’s so nice, real and true. After experiencing this truth so closely in my physical body, and coming out of meditation mode, it was only natural for me to be forced to see that same reality in the world around me; good and bad side by side.
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