I remember during one of the last meditations: I was struck by a fear when thinking of the outside world; I didn’t know how I’d experience it. I didn’t want to face the changes. I didn’t want to take off the glasses I’d been wearing – that had always made me blind and ignorant to any suffering inside of myself as well as outside. But I’d by going into silence, I’d started the process of truly opening my eyes. And reality first needs to be witnessed inside, only then can it be witnessed it outside. So I was wary because I felt the change. But I had no choice. I had to be apart of the world; which was/is India.
But, hang on! Hadn’t I desperately needed to be here, when I was in China??!!! Yes I had… So why suddenly reject an awaiting world of which I should want to apart of? Well, thankfully, with reality comes clarity and I’m able to put it into perspective. In China, only India would’ve made me happy. Why? Well… whilst being unhappy in a situation, we’ll always force ourselves to move mountains and reach a place that, once upon a time, had been magical, in the hope that the chosen place of refuge will offer all that we desire, once again.
And to me personally, India always represented magic. So I believed I could only have a life of magic, whilst being ONLY here. So, I came. And ended up on the meditation course, where I was faced with my own reality. This is the best thing that could’ve happened to me. Because it’s leading me to witness the reality in this part of the world; India. And this in turn, this truth of this present place, has released so much of pressure. Suddenly I can happily accept the dualities I’m faced with and I feel there’s no need to cling to India and this experience, for dear life (which is what I did last year and was trying to do from the beginning of this trip too - so terrified I was that something would happen and I’d need to leave and my world would crash, for not being in this magical spot). Because it’s changing. Or I’m changing. I know that magic and excitement can be experienced, but so can tragedy and heartache.
Does this mean I’m no more an optimist but instead a pessimist? Not at all! Does this mean I’m going to hop on a plane and head back to Ireland? Nope. What does it mean? It means I can start letting-go of the need to ALWAYS see magic. There’s no NEED for this! If I see, feel, hear or taste it, then so be it. If I don’t, I don’t! I don’t need to search India for it. I don’t need to search the world for it. Because for all the magic I can experience, I know there’s just as much misery. And by forcing myself to only see and feel bliss, I’m blind to pain. But in this blind-sighted ignorance, pain isn’t resolved. If the pain arose and wasn’t dealt with, it won’t disappear. It will still be there, simmering, brewing, stewing. But not being attended to… My natural tendency to always be optimistic can smother a painful truth that could be harmful in the long run. And…. Voila! This is exactly what happened in China!!!! Wouw… yes yes yes… What a lesson I’m learning, just as I’m typing this! So, to come to a conclusion: If magic appears, I embrace it. If darkness appears, I embrace it. In both cases, I thank my lucky stars because I’m here to experience and to be inspired by it.
What I’d hoped to gain from meditation really is happening. A slow process, but it’s starting. I’d said, before entering the 10 days of silence, that I wanted become grounded in my travels. Meaning; I wanted to stop pushing to be elsewhere, which is a push that comes from my urgency to search and experience magic. We believe it’s always somewhere else and never in the present situation… As a result we always wish to be some place else. It’s the search for a perfect world. But… it doesn’t exsist! If we search for perfection in the world, and are guided by the LIE that there is such a place, then life will present one struggle after another. One collision with dreams and reality will follow the next… A person would never stop and smell the roses or smell the urine!!! Depending on where they are…
I see so clearly that this is exactly what I’ve been doing. But I wished for it not to be so, before entering silence… I wished to become more grounded, or to at least find something that would offer me even the tiniest of degrees of grounding so I could start living in this present situation, accepting that these are the choices I’ve made, and be fully responsible for my actions, without feeling that to move would be better the already amazing situation I’d place myself in. I wished to settle into a lifestyle that gradually takes me all over and that’s here and now, for however long I want it to last, without a time limit attached. When we see that something will end, we cling to it, if it’s good, and we wish it away, if it’s bad. But if travel is my life, and life can present us with both good and bad, then I don’t have to cling to the place I’m in, or crave for the place I’m going to. Every situation is will always change, magic comes and goes, as does misery.
Every stop is only temporary… For every place, there’s a time to arrive and a time to leave… It’s so simple, so logical, but only truly truly truly clear, when it’s being lived. And a person can only realize if it’s being lived, by taking a step back and reflecting. Those reflections are then taken forward as the next venture is embarked on… Yes… and this is my reason for blogging!!!! This is so grounding, this is so real… this is life. Wouw… Thank you so so much for reading… forever grateful...