4 days of seclusion

Finally I gave way to something I’d been wanting to, for the past 3 months. Last week I took 2 days extra off, so as to have a 4 day weekend and was using these days to only edit the book. I felt it was time. Actually for weeks and weeks I felt as though the editing process was way overdue.

I made an attempt to start the process, 6 weeks ago. But I didn’t get very far. I was constantly distracted by life and just exhausted from work. I was making excuses that the circumstances around me never seemed to be fitting perfectly for the job to get done, properly. Secluding myself felt nearly impossible. However once I moved into my apartment, I had no more excuses. I figured distractions were what I was bringing on myself and I realized that the perfect circumstances would never magically present themselves. My own apartment and where I now am, is probably as perfect as it will ever get, at this moment in time. All I needed was to foresee that I wouldn’t be focusing on teaching or colleagues for longer than 1 day at a time. And to have that, I decided to take a leave of absence and withdraw myself from the job, from the people and from China.

At first I didn’t know if I’d be able to follow through. I didn’t know if I’d cope without having any contact with others, for 4 straight days. I didn’t know if I’d be able to get myself into that proper space where the story starts living and breathing again. I didn’t even know if I still had the ability to write in the same manner as the book had been written in. But I figured I’d waited too long, I had to put this editing before teaching, only for 4 days and I had to see if I was capable of still being the ‘writer’.

Well, the way the 4 days planned out, was really better than I could’ve hoped for. I managed to seclude myself and to not be distracted by colleagues crying down the phone over their heartbreak or by invitations to coffee or by the heaving traffic and the hype of activity that takes place outside my apartment. I managed to live and breathe the story again and I loved every minute of it. On Sunday night, just as the week was ending, I was still in teaching mode. And Monday morning I woke up and had to be something totally different. And I successfully became the ‘writer’ overnight!

I’d set myself the target of editing the whole book within 4 days. Of course I was placing the bar of expectation way too high, which is something I’ve always been inclined to do. But I hoped that by putting on this pressure, it was push me to my limits and definitely result in me being in the position of approaching agencies again. I wanted so desperately for draft 2 of my first manuscript to be completed within the space of 4 days. So Monday morning I woke up with this attitude. I was quick to realize that putting on pressure doesn’t let the story live at all! It only stops the flow. I realized on day 1 that this book is something so delicate – as is every story. And every book has so much personality and just blatantly editing without a conscious approach is risky and almost an insult to the story that’s already been written. So once the pressure was off, the flow started. And I was, without effort, in my own zone. During those 4 full days I had only 2 phone conversations (to offer a heartbroken Lauren some support) and any other contact was through text messages. I left my apartment once a day, for an hour, just to get some fresh air. But each time, as I was walking through the streets of this Chinese city, I didn’t feel to be here at all! I was zoned-out and in a daze. I felt so different, was constantly drawn back to the laptop and wasn’t seeing China at all. The more time I spent with the story and the more creative I became, the more it all felt to be coming together, even more so than before.


And did I finish it? No, not quite and I’m totally fine with that. I’ve only got the tiniest fraction to go. And I’m delighted. Because now that I’ve started, I feel like this is all there is. I know that I can dip in and out now, on a daily basis. I know the story needs constant attention, or else it will go stale again.
And so, I can honestly say I’ve truly fallen in love again with this draft. I feel more confident now that the story is accessible for others. I chopped so much – 20.000 words so far. At first I was cautious every time I pressed the backspace and delete button, but by doing so, I learnt that - even if I do delete some words or paragraphs that blew me away - the words are always there! I found that I’m still able to relive everything in such a way and bring it into word, so that what I’m communicating will always be as deep, as passionate or as superficial and entertaining as I experienced the actual event. It was actually a relief to learn this. It made the editing an easy and safe process. And I’m not going to excuse myself for saying that I’ve fallen in love again with the story. Because, no matter how ‘big headed’ that may sound, I have to love what I’ve done and I have to believe that it’s going to be the best it can be. I figure that if the only one in the world who’s representing my book at the moment (which is me!), fails to believe in the potential this story has, then how could that same person expect for the rest of the world to believe in it? So, yes I say it’s amazing once again.

So, after those 4 amazing days, was I able to be the teacher one day and the ‘writer’ – in China –the next? I most certainly was! And now that the book has been re-opened, the process will continue until it’s exactly how I want it to be. I can already say that it won’t long before I’ll be sending out messages to those willing to hear, that draft number 2 of my first manuscript is complete. Because, I’ve started something now and I can’t do anything else other than see it through – maybe at lightning speed!

More to teaching...

. Life in the office has been a lot better. My high school classes on Wednesdays and Thursday are going well too. I changed my approach and now I plan lessons without expecting anything in return, so I don’t feel any pressure. And when I do get a good response, it’s a massive bonus. And that’s what’s been happening over the past weeks. The response has been good, I’ve been less stressed and I’ve not been getting myself worked-up over it.

I’ve been trying to ease off putting myself under pressure, when it comes to all of my lessons in general. Because sometimes the pressure is applied without me realizing it and other times I think that by intentionally putting on the pressure I’ll perform better as a teacher. But it doesn’t work like that. With pressure, I’m more inclined to feel frustrated when my point is reaching the little brains of these cuties and I’m more impatient and far too pushy. And when I feel no pressure at all, that’s when I’m at my best. That’s when I’m having fun and patient and it’s also when creative ideas come falling out of the sky constantly. And it’s during those classes that the kids are happy and that’s when they’re learning. I suppose with pressure there are expectations to be met. And when they aren’t met, you feel to fail as a teacher. Hummm… I’m not too sure.

I don’t have a lot of teaching experience at all. But I try my best to learn and to grow in this experience. I’ve already realized that this current position is a stepping stone along the path that’s leading me elsewhere. This little piece of information lets me enjoy this experience more, because I know it’s not forever. Also I’m finding out in what other ways I’d actually love to teach, and in what manner I’d prefer to connect with kids and in what countries. It’s cool and really exciting. So I know that the occasional stress and exhaustion I feel, is all in aid of so much more and I therefore just stick to what I’m doing. It’s worth it all!

Her break-up

Relationship breakdown! Not mine… as I don’t have one ;) but Laurens… an American teacher from work. A week ago, she and her British boyfriend split up. And, to be honest, I don’t even know why I writing about it on my blog… Or maybe I do. Maybe it’s because I’ve been dragged into her break-up. Well, not so much dragged in. But it’s been more by choice that I’ve been helping her through it.

I’ve not written about Lauren at all on my blog. It’s not been something intentional. But it may just show that the kind of friendship we have is focussed more on her rather than on the 2 people who form this friendship. She’s in her early 20s, often very lost and she hates China. It’s strange, but I’m fine with the imbalance in our friendship. I know she isn’t the person I’d turn to talk about things that are really important to me nor would I approach her for advice. But at the same time I can deal with her emotional turmoil that is often her life. It doesn’t affect me for some reason. Just like it doesn’t affect me that she’s heartbroken at the moment and on the end of the phone, on a daily basis, crying her eyes out. I’ve been offering her help, I’ve been round to her place to look after her, I’ve been on the giving end of text messages to get her pepped-up for work on a couple of mornings. I’ve sat with her outside a pub, while she was drunk and in despair. And still I smile. Am I a stone and without compassion for what she’s going through, because I’m able to deal with her pain?

At first I thought I was. But during the week I realized that it’s only a positive thing to be able to be there for a friend in need, without letting it emotionally myself become an emotional mess too. Maybe it’s also the imbalance in our friendship that’s letting me remain so unaffected by her pain? I’ve felt like a relationship counsellor on a few occasions. And it’s been a hell of a long week. But I’ve been happy to help her and I’ve actually been learning so much too. And at times there’s been so much advice flowing out of me, advice I’ve never before given to anyone in my life, that I actually shock myself… because I’m definitely not a relationship expert. But to realize that I do have things to say on the matter, was quite revealing ;)

Actually, there’s one last thing I’ll say on this matter. After having spent so much time focusing on her, instead of my mood being affected, my energy actually was. And by Sunday morning - the last day of the teaching week - I was a drained wreck. Not emotionally, but mentally. My head was out of whack. And it didn’t make matters easier that Sunday is always one of the busiest teaching days of the week. I think it’s safe to say that I was a bad teacher. My classes were lifeless... because I was lifeless. My kids were uninspired… because I was uninspired. My kids were out of focus… because I was out of focus. Man oh man… it was bad! After every class I found myself apologizing to my teaching assistants for giving such bad classes. They understood, but it didn’t make me feel any better! It was like, at one point, I didn’t even know how I was supposed to be teaching the particular topics I was meant to be teaching. My brain was just not functioning at all… Lack of focus, lack of sleep, lack of energy… So I guess being the counsellor on call, was affecting me in a different way than I initially thought it would.

I was starting to beat myself up over it. But I didn’t have the energy…hahha. It was just a bad day! I suppose it happens to every teacher. I’m only human I guess. This just showed me how much of truth lies in something I’ve heard from other teachers many times: whatever mood you bring into your class, it will determine the outcome of your lesson. Being a teacher, you always set the standard of your lesson yourself, by the approach you take and by the importance you give to what it is you’re teaching. And when you don’t want to be teaching then you don’t give any importance to the lesson and the kids won’t either. And there’s nothing been taught and nothing being learnt! To have had this feeling only on one occasion isn’t a crime and it doesn’t make me into a bad teacher. There are many different skills and personality traits that make a good teacher. But one of them is that the teacher needs to care for the kids and for the purpose of the lesson. Which would sound so normal, but you’d surprised the amount of teachers who don’t give a s***. And I’m NOT one of them. I’m a teacher who DOES care, even when I’m having a tough day for having given most of myself to one particular friend, leaving very little for me to give to my lessons and to the kids. So, yes I’m a teacher who cares, otherwise I wouldn’t have been phased by the voice that was going round and round my head on Sunday, telling me over and over again that “I don’t want to be here…”

Man oh man... what a week. But it's all good. I never ever expected to write post on my blog about somebody else's break-up...!!! ;)