In between this crazy week of commotions, emotions and flu, Christmas did of course come and go. Did I celebrate? Well, if you call going to a ladies house from 09.30 in the morning till 7.00 at night, resting for most of the day and then watching Home Alone 2 with her 91 year old mother, at the same time as feeling sick for the amount of food I’d eaten… then I most certainly did celebrate! The food was ‘massive…’ No surprises there then!
The feast started the moment I walked in the door, 09.30 am: spicy chicken curry, cake and sweets. The second even spicier chicken curry was brought to me, after I’d been nursing my fever and headache for 2 hours. This time the curry was served with a fried egg, fried crisps and a portion of fried rice that would’ve been enough for 4 people, but that I, alone, had been demanded to eat... The lady of the house and the cook were both standing above me, watching my every bite and movement and not attempting to help me eat my way through the meal, nor to sit down and enjoy the meal with me nor keep me company (this is a very typical thing they do here; whenever there’s a guest, the women will never sit down and share the meal, if there are men, they’ll sit, but on this occasion, it was only 3 ladies). Also, they’ll be waiting to hear how delicious Indian food is and be on guard to serve the 2nd, 3rd, and hopefully the 4th helping of food.
So, at the Christmas dinner table I sat alone and when she realized that I was full, she kindly demanded that I sit for 4 whole hours if I needed, but no matter how long it would take, I wasn’t leaving the table until the rice was gone! ‘Holy smoke’, is the only thing that went through my mind.
But luckily, I was saved by my mobile that started ringing! My Mam called from Ireland! Yay! This was the perfect excuse for me to jump up from the dinner table in delight and spend a half an hour in the garden, talking to all the family back home. It also gave the lady enough time to realize that I wasn’t going to clear the 4-portioned size plate of fried rice… and luckily for my stomach, she did! Because - just like magic - after 30 minutes I walked back inside, and the table was cleared! The only thing that was left was a bowl of pudding… And a lady who wasn’t too happy that I didn’t keep feeding myself until I exploded… but I didn’t feel too bad, cause I’d just connected properly with home! Yay… that was the best Christmas gift I could’ve asked for! And regarding the food I couldn’t finish – in India I’ve learnt the hard way that you will never be able to eat the portion sizes of food that will make the cook smile. For me, personally, I know I will never be able to make any Indian happy, if that smile only depends on the amount of food they wish for me to eat. I’ve had to learn the hard way… haha…
Anyhow, after Christmas lunch, I was back in bed, not only nursing a cough and some general aches and pains, but also a sore gut… Okay enough about my Christmas day. It’s come and gone for another year. Even though it was quiet, it was definitely a memorable one. My first, and maybe my last, Indian Christmas…
P.s. It may sound as though I’m ungrateful to the lady who invited me to her home, but I’m not… it was just quite the spectacle to see how different my Christmas was, especially when you know – almost like clockwork – everything that’s going on back home. Also, it was all a little bit much because I wasn’t feeling 100% on top of life. But she did all she could to accommodate the fussy and flu-ish girl from ‘outside’…
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Sorting the problem - Hostel move
On my last note, I was in the hostel from Hell. On this note, I’m in a much nicer place. A week ago, I came close to leaving Kayamkulam, and I was even seriously contemplating leaving India – all because of the hostel I was meant to stay at (if school had their way), for the next 8 weeks.
After sleeping in that place for the first 2 nights of being back in Kayamkulam, I went to school on Monday morning (the 19th). It was my first day, but I was a wreck. I’d already made a deal with myself: I wasn’t going to teach any classes, until the accommodation was sorted. So, arriving at school, I went straight to the head mistress and told her that if there weren’t going to be any changes in accommodation then I’d be leaving. I wasn’t snotty about it, I was calm, honest and… desperate for a way out of ‘prison’. They were so helpful, they listened to me… and saw my desperation as I sat there in the office, almost depressed… I didn’t know what was happening. I couldn’t put on a smile and I didn’t want to see the kids – who were way too interested in seeing the foreign teacher again. Nothing made me want to smile… I just wanted to hide and I wasn’t even ashamed for the fact that I was having such a strong negative reaction and ‘becoming a problem’ for the school. Because, in my confused daze, my mind was already leaving Kayamkulam and I didn’t care what others were saying or thinking.
But, but but… they weren’t going to let me go, just like that! Nope. They were finding a solution for me… I didn’t know if that made me happy to stay or if I would’ve been happier to go. At that point, all I knew was, I had to move, that very same day. The management discussed eagerly in Malayalam what to do and where to put me. They probably also were trying to figure out why I had gone temporarily loopy (I don’t understand the language, but I can only imagine their disbelief). Anyhow, after some discussions and phone calls, suddenly they were able to offer me something better! Which was a shock, because on the first day they told me that there was no other hostel in town, and that the hellish hostel was the only place for me. And now, that I was about to leave, they suddenly had received news of a better place… Humm… I’m not too sure if that was really the case or if they remembered me as being the ‘push over’ – 18 months ago – who would always say that everything was good, fine and dandy, whether or not good, fine and dandy were the feelings she was feeling. Maybe they remembered her, and had presumed/hoped she’d not have changed. But, to be honest, I haven’t a clue what they were thinking about me or about the hostel. All I can say is that they got their act together and sorted the accommodation. And half an hour later, I was brought to see another place and instantly jumped at the chance of having my own room in a new hostel, that’s bright, fresh, clean and spacious. The warden (who is the lady who manages the hostel) is actually the same lady who was in the hellish hostel, 18 months ago! She was working there when I was ‘suffering in grime’ last year. She’d quit from ‘hell’ and had moved herself to something that was starting to resemble ‘heaven’ to me. It was nice to see a familiar face…
That same day (still the 19th), I moved my stuff from one hostel to the other and I couldn’t believe how relieved I felt. Life was light again, I could smile, I could see clearly. And, even now, I can’t quite explain how or why that first hostel sent me so crazy inside my head… and I’m unable to grasp what happened to me, between leaving Sasthavattom school on the 17th and arriving at the new hostel in Kayamkulam on Monday the 19th. But trying to find reasons and answers, was, and still is, only tempting to disturb the peace that has returned, ever since settling into my new home. Instead of seeking answers, I was finding myself trying to focus on teaching classes that I hadn’t been able to prepare, whilst having high fever and a massive cough.
Because, of course, the emotional stress brought the virus back, - the one I thought to have beaten, before leaving Sasthavattom. It was trying to knock me down – but it failed. Because I struggled onwards and continued to go from class to class, for the remainder of the week. I needed to make the best first impression I could – and I wasn’t willing to become known as the ‘foreigner who is a constant problem’. I didn’t go to the doctor again. I was reluctant to take anything… Until my voice nearly disappeared after 3 days. Then I gave-in. I accepted medicine and just wished to rest…
From Friday onwards, thankfully I got the chance to wind down, to put the whole emotional fiasco into perspective and to settle into my new home, and beat the flu and cough at the same time. That’s when our Christmas holidays started… I was to have 10 days leave apparently… With that notion in mind, I was adamant to spend the full week in bed so I’d be fresh and fighting fit, from the 2nd onwards (which is also when school reopens). But what happened? Instead of spending 10 days in bed, I spent 2 days (the 25th and the 26th) resting… UNTIL the phone rang on Monday night, at 7.30pm. I was told I’d be teaching vacation classes from the following morning and the classes would last for the remainder of the holidays! Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t believe it… I hadn’t prepared anything, I hadn’t expected that at all and my health was not in anyway fit to think about teaching and jumping around with a group of kids who expected me to be the fun and active teacher that would make their Christmas vacation classes a lot brighter.
Well… What could I say, only: “Okay, it’s fine…” And that was that – after all they’d done for me the previous week, how could I let them down? So, I’d just grin and bear it… Then it was simply up to me to get my head into gear and my body filled with some extra energy and teach as best as I could and fight the bug at the same time.
At first, I wasn’t too sure if I could do it. But, so far so good… Because I’m doing it! I just proves that, of course, when we seriously put our minds to doing something, we can always overcome anything that’s an ‘obstacle’. Something will always click and we can get on with the job (simply by telling ourselves to stop being such a ‘winge-bag’ and do the duty we promised we would do). Those are the more harsh words that we (or I) can use, if the obstacle is more of a challenge to get passed.
Anyhow, back to what’s going on now… For this week, there’ll be no rest. And now I’m only hoping that I’ll start feeling better, before next week, because then I’ll have a busier schedule. Otherwise I’m not too sure what will happen… Some doubts are in my mind, in regards to what to do ‘long term’, if I can’t get passed this. For now though, I’ll soldier on...
After sleeping in that place for the first 2 nights of being back in Kayamkulam, I went to school on Monday morning (the 19th). It was my first day, but I was a wreck. I’d already made a deal with myself: I wasn’t going to teach any classes, until the accommodation was sorted. So, arriving at school, I went straight to the head mistress and told her that if there weren’t going to be any changes in accommodation then I’d be leaving. I wasn’t snotty about it, I was calm, honest and… desperate for a way out of ‘prison’. They were so helpful, they listened to me… and saw my desperation as I sat there in the office, almost depressed… I didn’t know what was happening. I couldn’t put on a smile and I didn’t want to see the kids – who were way too interested in seeing the foreign teacher again. Nothing made me want to smile… I just wanted to hide and I wasn’t even ashamed for the fact that I was having such a strong negative reaction and ‘becoming a problem’ for the school. Because, in my confused daze, my mind was already leaving Kayamkulam and I didn’t care what others were saying or thinking.
But, but but… they weren’t going to let me go, just like that! Nope. They were finding a solution for me… I didn’t know if that made me happy to stay or if I would’ve been happier to go. At that point, all I knew was, I had to move, that very same day. The management discussed eagerly in Malayalam what to do and where to put me. They probably also were trying to figure out why I had gone temporarily loopy (I don’t understand the language, but I can only imagine their disbelief). Anyhow, after some discussions and phone calls, suddenly they were able to offer me something better! Which was a shock, because on the first day they told me that there was no other hostel in town, and that the hellish hostel was the only place for me. And now, that I was about to leave, they suddenly had received news of a better place… Humm… I’m not too sure if that was really the case or if they remembered me as being the ‘push over’ – 18 months ago – who would always say that everything was good, fine and dandy, whether or not good, fine and dandy were the feelings she was feeling. Maybe they remembered her, and had presumed/hoped she’d not have changed. But, to be honest, I haven’t a clue what they were thinking about me or about the hostel. All I can say is that they got their act together and sorted the accommodation. And half an hour later, I was brought to see another place and instantly jumped at the chance of having my own room in a new hostel, that’s bright, fresh, clean and spacious. The warden (who is the lady who manages the hostel) is actually the same lady who was in the hellish hostel, 18 months ago! She was working there when I was ‘suffering in grime’ last year. She’d quit from ‘hell’ and had moved herself to something that was starting to resemble ‘heaven’ to me. It was nice to see a familiar face…
That same day (still the 19th), I moved my stuff from one hostel to the other and I couldn’t believe how relieved I felt. Life was light again, I could smile, I could see clearly. And, even now, I can’t quite explain how or why that first hostel sent me so crazy inside my head… and I’m unable to grasp what happened to me, between leaving Sasthavattom school on the 17th and arriving at the new hostel in Kayamkulam on Monday the 19th. But trying to find reasons and answers, was, and still is, only tempting to disturb the peace that has returned, ever since settling into my new home. Instead of seeking answers, I was finding myself trying to focus on teaching classes that I hadn’t been able to prepare, whilst having high fever and a massive cough.
Because, of course, the emotional stress brought the virus back, - the one I thought to have beaten, before leaving Sasthavattom. It was trying to knock me down – but it failed. Because I struggled onwards and continued to go from class to class, for the remainder of the week. I needed to make the best first impression I could – and I wasn’t willing to become known as the ‘foreigner who is a constant problem’. I didn’t go to the doctor again. I was reluctant to take anything… Until my voice nearly disappeared after 3 days. Then I gave-in. I accepted medicine and just wished to rest…
From Friday onwards, thankfully I got the chance to wind down, to put the whole emotional fiasco into perspective and to settle into my new home, and beat the flu and cough at the same time. That’s when our Christmas holidays started… I was to have 10 days leave apparently… With that notion in mind, I was adamant to spend the full week in bed so I’d be fresh and fighting fit, from the 2nd onwards (which is also when school reopens). But what happened? Instead of spending 10 days in bed, I spent 2 days (the 25th and the 26th) resting… UNTIL the phone rang on Monday night, at 7.30pm. I was told I’d be teaching vacation classes from the following morning and the classes would last for the remainder of the holidays! Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t believe it… I hadn’t prepared anything, I hadn’t expected that at all and my health was not in anyway fit to think about teaching and jumping around with a group of kids who expected me to be the fun and active teacher that would make their Christmas vacation classes a lot brighter.
Well… What could I say, only: “Okay, it’s fine…” And that was that – after all they’d done for me the previous week, how could I let them down? So, I’d just grin and bear it… Then it was simply up to me to get my head into gear and my body filled with some extra energy and teach as best as I could and fight the bug at the same time.
At first, I wasn’t too sure if I could do it. But, so far so good… Because I’m doing it! I just proves that, of course, when we seriously put our minds to doing something, we can always overcome anything that’s an ‘obstacle’. Something will always click and we can get on with the job (simply by telling ourselves to stop being such a ‘winge-bag’ and do the duty we promised we would do). Those are the more harsh words that we (or I) can use, if the obstacle is more of a challenge to get passed.
Anyhow, back to what’s going on now… For this week, there’ll be no rest. And now I’m only hoping that I’ll start feeling better, before next week, because then I’ll have a busier schedule. Otherwise I’m not too sure what will happen… Some doubts are in my mind, in regards to what to do ‘long term’, if I can’t get passed this. For now though, I’ll soldier on...
Saturday, December 24, 2011
...arriving at the next...????
Just before getting into the car to be driven to my new home, they told me it was the same place… OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t believe it! How had this happened?! My face probably dropped a few inches when they told me. But I wasn’t going to get on my ‘high horse’ and demand some place else. Nope. They said that the management had changed, the food had changed, and I’d get a single room.
Hummm… I was sceptical, but willing to see if there really was any change. I’d know within a day if I’d be comfortable to stay. So I was brought to my room, the door opened, and I had a déjà vu… I'd already played a part in this scene - 18 months ago! A wooden frame for a bed, without any ‘dressing’ or mattrass’ and a dinky little childrens desk in the corner, grubby walls that hadn’t seen a coat of paint for… 20 years? barricaded Windows and an ‘en-suite’ bathroom with 5 years of grime gathered on the nicely yellow stained tiles that were actually blue underneath. I can only describe the dirt as the accumulation of human flith, fungus, dust and grime that grows and expands so easily in a damp and hot climate, creating the perfect breathing-zone for any kind of bacteria to live and get into the pours of the person who is sleeping and living only 1 meter away. The toilet was blue ceramic, but that also had turned yellow… it was of course good old fashioned dirt, both inside and outside the bowl… Such complaints I have… sorry, But adding some exaggerations is probably painting a clearer picture.
What happened after the déjà vu ended? Niamh smiled and said: ‘it’s fine’. The housewife (who is also the manager) was happy to hear, but not happy to give me a mattress, a pillow, a bedsheet… Nothing. So the staff at school managed to arrange something. But if I’d have been Pinocchio, my nose would’ve been so long! Because, of course I wasn’t happy! I wasn’t happy at all! I was standing there on the only thing that was clean in the whole building – the floor (I suppose that’s something big in itself) – and saying outloud to myself, appearing to be a mad woman: ‘It’s happening again, I’ve been here before…how is this possible?'
The déjà vu wasn’t only a vision. But it brought the exact same feelings with it too! I was overcome with the same wave, on Saturday afternoon, as the wave I was overcome by, 18 months before… It was the wave of… imprisonment and desperation to flee. I was left in the room alone. And really I couldn’t believe how this had happened… When I left India last year, I promised myself that if If I ever landed myself in a living situation that didn't feel right from the start, then I wasn't going to force myself to stay and suffer – just for fear of failing in the eyes of others or for fear of showing weakness. I told myself I wouldn’t do this again. I also gave my request to the school, before coming to Kayamkulam, that I wasn't going to stay in the same hostel, but I've learnt the hard way that good communication isn't an easy thing to come by, when arranging anything, either on a personal level or professional level… so, there I was; Saturday afternoon, literally the 'victim of bad communication!'
So, now, I’m sitting on the wooden bedframe (that thankfully does have a mattress on it and some nice new sheets), with my back against a wall that used to be a lovely soft pink, but sadly has turned many different shades of… brown. I spent last night in despair. Almost depressed… lying on the bed, in need of sleep, but not able to get any, because I was trying to figure out: how on earth this had happened? A place I said I would NEVER return to… Did I go wrong somewhere and why such punishment? All night I was awake… tormenting myself.
At times I've felt as though the past 4 months of my travels have been so high-flying that the tiniest ‘bump’ will feel huge and I’ll see myself falling back down to earth and landing with a bang in a place that my mind will class as a prison and therefore - with this powerful thought – my spirit will feel that thought: trapped and unable to escape… I felt so lost last night. It was like apart of me wasn’t here and only my body needed to be here in this hostel as some kind of a test… But I’m not too sure what it could be. Maybe for me to see if I'm strong enough to speak up and tell the management at school how awful I feel here… OR maybe it’s for me to challenge myself again, grin and bare what I've been given? I know I can do both. I can choose either option. But I don’t know which one is the best. Who would I be letting down, if I leave Kayamkulam because of the accommodation? If it’s myself, then I’ll have to grin and bare. If it’s only the school I'm letting down, then I can leave. If I’m letting myself down by staying… then I can leave… right?
Only after speaking-up about the fact that a change needs to be made, and so taking action and acting maturely instead of running away without even trying to solve anything, then I can make a decision. So I won’t jump the gun and flee nor will I bury my misery and pretend I’m happy with the living situation. I can do this, without sounding like a ‘spoilt foreign girl’ who is too demanding and massively high maintenance - which is often, and unfortunately inevitably, how people can label foreigners, as soon as they ask for change.
If I were to leave though, I wouldn’t instantly know where to go. I haven’t thought that far ahead. I’ve not had the time! To be totally honest, a larger part of me wants to leave and apart of me does want this experience at the school. I’m just wondering, what could all of this be in aid of? From heaven to … hell??? Can I say that, without offending anybody? Hummmm… Sasthavattom feels like a lifetime ago. It's only 36 hours since I left! Oh god… tomorrow I’ll be talking with management… and most like also teaching with a smile - I hope. Keep you informed!
Hummm… I was sceptical, but willing to see if there really was any change. I’d know within a day if I’d be comfortable to stay. So I was brought to my room, the door opened, and I had a déjà vu… I'd already played a part in this scene - 18 months ago! A wooden frame for a bed, without any ‘dressing’ or mattrass’ and a dinky little childrens desk in the corner, grubby walls that hadn’t seen a coat of paint for… 20 years? barricaded Windows and an ‘en-suite’ bathroom with 5 years of grime gathered on the nicely yellow stained tiles that were actually blue underneath. I can only describe the dirt as the accumulation of human flith, fungus, dust and grime that grows and expands so easily in a damp and hot climate, creating the perfect breathing-zone for any kind of bacteria to live and get into the pours of the person who is sleeping and living only 1 meter away. The toilet was blue ceramic, but that also had turned yellow… it was of course good old fashioned dirt, both inside and outside the bowl… Such complaints I have… sorry, But adding some exaggerations is probably painting a clearer picture.
What happened after the déjà vu ended? Niamh smiled and said: ‘it’s fine’. The housewife (who is also the manager) was happy to hear, but not happy to give me a mattress, a pillow, a bedsheet… Nothing. So the staff at school managed to arrange something. But if I’d have been Pinocchio, my nose would’ve been so long! Because, of course I wasn’t happy! I wasn’t happy at all! I was standing there on the only thing that was clean in the whole building – the floor (I suppose that’s something big in itself) – and saying outloud to myself, appearing to be a mad woman: ‘It’s happening again, I’ve been here before…how is this possible?'
The déjà vu wasn’t only a vision. But it brought the exact same feelings with it too! I was overcome with the same wave, on Saturday afternoon, as the wave I was overcome by, 18 months before… It was the wave of… imprisonment and desperation to flee. I was left in the room alone. And really I couldn’t believe how this had happened… When I left India last year, I promised myself that if If I ever landed myself in a living situation that didn't feel right from the start, then I wasn't going to force myself to stay and suffer – just for fear of failing in the eyes of others or for fear of showing weakness. I told myself I wouldn’t do this again. I also gave my request to the school, before coming to Kayamkulam, that I wasn't going to stay in the same hostel, but I've learnt the hard way that good communication isn't an easy thing to come by, when arranging anything, either on a personal level or professional level… so, there I was; Saturday afternoon, literally the 'victim of bad communication!'
So, now, I’m sitting on the wooden bedframe (that thankfully does have a mattress on it and some nice new sheets), with my back against a wall that used to be a lovely soft pink, but sadly has turned many different shades of… brown. I spent last night in despair. Almost depressed… lying on the bed, in need of sleep, but not able to get any, because I was trying to figure out: how on earth this had happened? A place I said I would NEVER return to… Did I go wrong somewhere and why such punishment? All night I was awake… tormenting myself.
At times I've felt as though the past 4 months of my travels have been so high-flying that the tiniest ‘bump’ will feel huge and I’ll see myself falling back down to earth and landing with a bang in a place that my mind will class as a prison and therefore - with this powerful thought – my spirit will feel that thought: trapped and unable to escape… I felt so lost last night. It was like apart of me wasn’t here and only my body needed to be here in this hostel as some kind of a test… But I’m not too sure what it could be. Maybe for me to see if I'm strong enough to speak up and tell the management at school how awful I feel here… OR maybe it’s for me to challenge myself again, grin and bare what I've been given? I know I can do both. I can choose either option. But I don’t know which one is the best. Who would I be letting down, if I leave Kayamkulam because of the accommodation? If it’s myself, then I’ll have to grin and bare. If it’s only the school I'm letting down, then I can leave. If I’m letting myself down by staying… then I can leave… right?
Only after speaking-up about the fact that a change needs to be made, and so taking action and acting maturely instead of running away without even trying to solve anything, then I can make a decision. So I won’t jump the gun and flee nor will I bury my misery and pretend I’m happy with the living situation. I can do this, without sounding like a ‘spoilt foreign girl’ who is too demanding and massively high maintenance - which is often, and unfortunately inevitably, how people can label foreigners, as soon as they ask for change.
If I were to leave though, I wouldn’t instantly know where to go. I haven’t thought that far ahead. I’ve not had the time! To be totally honest, a larger part of me wants to leave and apart of me does want this experience at the school. I’m just wondering, what could all of this be in aid of? From heaven to … hell??? Can I say that, without offending anybody? Hummmm… Sasthavattom feels like a lifetime ago. It's only 36 hours since I left! Oh god… tomorrow I’ll be talking with management… and most like also teaching with a smile - I hope. Keep you informed!
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