This all might come as a shock – as it did to me too. I never realized how unhappy I was until everything exploded in my face last weekend. And this is my problem: I’m shocked at how deep my unhappiness was and how strongly I was able to show to everyone at school, everyone at home, as well as to myself, that I can be happy in a Chinese city. I was ‘proving’ that I can feel and see amazement in the world, no matter what I do. This how deceivingly strong my mind is; before coming to China I’d said it would be amazing, and so I did everything I could to make it into exactly that: an incredible experience that would benefit me – even when it wasn’t really what I wanted. My strong mind switched-off to notions that were telling me on different occasions: “staying in China is a waste of time”, “you don’t want to be working here”. I chose to focus ONLY on positive things in my surroundings and so I’d become ignorant and blind to the things that were anything less than amazing.
I now see that, by having travelled and experienced many amazing thing, I’ve set the standard of positive living so high that I can be terrified to let that standard slip and come down a peg or 2. Terrified, as it means I’d be admitting to have made the wrong choice… I’d be admitting to the fact that there’s a country in Asia that doesn’t serve me a person, that doesn’t make me feel open and free, that doesn’t keep my naturally feeling on top of the world… My mind is so strong and my blog and journaling has been so powerful and giving me all the boosts I’ve been in need of to keep myself believing I was happy and coping with life.
Truth is, my journaling and blogging HAVE been real – to the extent where my emotional dealings have shown what’s NOW my reality and what I want my reality to BECOME, so I can be happy and open again… My powerful journaling only meant it was a matter of time before the reality was to present itself. And when it appeared, it was painful.
Ever since releasing the pressure I’d been applying, that was in aid of burying my deep dissatisfaction in this current situation, I’ve been to hell and back. I’ve sat here in my beautiful apartment, in tears, for days. I’ve felt depressed and couldn’t fathom why I needed to leave and how I could be so ungrateful for all that’s been given to me. I felt in my heart what I wanted, but was scared to act as it meant owning up to the mess I felt that suddenly had become of my life – all in aid of NEVER wanting to admit that I’d made a choice that has led me to be secretly lonely and isolated.
Over the past week, I’ve been the bottom of my whole self it feels, to get to the bottom of what this situation has done to me… in body, mind and spirit. And of course, everything has been effected… My weight has dropped a little, my mind temporarily lost sight of reality and my spirit was lacking everything it needed. I know so well that without my spirit receiving the light and life it needs, the rest of me withers away.
I’m only touching the surface of what has arisen, as it’s something I can write about forever. But the most important thing I want to say is that I’ve realized what road I could’ve been heading down, were I not to have been so reflective and honest when witnessing the vicious circle and feeling my isolation and loneliness. I know just how lucky I am, that I’ve almost an inbuilt warning system that goes off, whenever I’m not in a place that’s serving ME, fully, as a person. And those warning signs come in the form of my old habits. That’s when I know that I’ve made the wrong choice… I’ve accepted this fact of the matter, and with my acceptance, instantly change is welcomed.
The change is the move. And it’s only forward. I know with all my heart that I’m not running from anything, I moving towards something instead. I also know (as I’ve questioned this too…) that I’m not afraid to settle or to commit… (I’d actually LOVE to find a home in Asia…one that’s in a community where I feel safe, accepted and open). I know I’ll happily commit to things that serve me. I’ll give my life to doing things that make me happy… Does this mean that I’m the committed traveller, the committed writer? For now, yes…
Actually, at the moment, I’m committed to doing all I can, to change my circumstances, in the most honest, sensible, gentle and easy way possible… and whether or not I let others down, by the move I’m making, I can’t fully establish, but I know that I’ve not to let myself down… And that’s what’s most important at this stage in the game…