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Monday, September 12, 2011

Searching for....

The strict schedule wasn’t, and still isn’t, permitting me to satisfy my writing urges and I’ve been ‘forced’ to reflect through SPEAKING. Yes… communication through speech is suddenly something I’m able to do here! It’s what I missed over the past 6 months, and now finally the time is here! So you won’t hear me complain…

From day 1 I’ve been meeting the nicest people from all over the world. Australia, South America, Canada, America, Spain, Germany, England, Holland, Thailand, Japan and Ireland... There’s around 40 or 50 people who are likeminded, open and willing to share their travel stories, their yoga experiences and their lives back home. It’s truly inspiring. I’ve been talking so much and it feels so nice. By speaking of my own experiences, I’ve been putting China more and more into perspective. People want to know my story too, just like I do theirs, and so I share. And after every conversation, I feel China is more a part of the whole adventure. It fits so neatly. As well, after every question I’m posed with, I learn a little bit more.

Many people here in the ashram have asked me what I’m searching for, why I’m travelling so much and what is it that’s brought me back to India. My answers have been varied. I’ve said to be searching for a home and that I’m hoping to stay in India. I’ve answered that I need to support myself and I can’t do that in the field of teaching back in Europe. I’ve said to feel more inspired in Eastern countries. But the one answer I never spoke out loud, but that’s sitting in my heart, is that I’m here for the sake of writing. (by the way, speaking of my heart like this, is probably a result of the hours of meditation I’ve been doing for the past week… haha… so you’ll have to forgive me ). Answering: ‘for the sake of writing’, could mean anything. It could mean to properly write the sequel to my first. It could mean to start publishing from here. It could mean that I need to experience the story first, that I’ll later write about. I can’t give the exact answer. Because I don’t have it. But I DO know it’s linked. I know that India is for the sake of writing.

I’ve not given this reason to most of the people I’m surrounded by. Only to the few who I’ve become closer to. In a way though, I feel the need to share this simple fact. But on the other hand, I feel to be a cheat if I say it, because I’ve nothing to show. Only a manuscript that’s literally weighing heavy in my backpack and taking up space on my hard drive… It’s like I’m making myself out to be somebody I’m not, when really, it’s all I want to be or maybe it’s what I already am…

I think I’m at a point now, where I desperately want to let the life of a writer take over my travels. I want teaching to be something I DO, temporarily, and always with pleasure. Because, I know, deep down, I’m not an English teacher. It’s a job that adds excitement and variation to my travels and it inspires my writing and provides me with funds to live.

But I’ve never before, in my life, said openly that I’m a writer who ‘teaches English’ along the way. I want to be able to say this. I know by doing so, it will make things happen for me. It’s as ‘they’ say: ‘the things we speak about passionately in life are also the things we bring out’. And I know this will sound corny, but I don’t care; I feel it in my heart that it’s what I am. And I guess I’m only questioning this so much, because of others questioning my life too – even if it’s just out of interest or friendliness on their behalf. Their questioning leads me to have more awareness of what I’m doing and then I see I should be more accepting of who I am and be proud and open about that, as I meet more and more people along my travels with whom I want to share my writing. It only makes sense, that if a writer is what I AM, then it’s what I NEED to share with others. It’s the whole purpose of putting that pen to paper.

So I’m gently being forced to speak my truth instead of only writing about my truth (which is what I’m doing right now). It’s in my heart. I feel that it was temporarily buried in my previous circumstances, and now it’s like I’m now ready to give extra life to it. I need to take it to another level. I want it to be tangible for everyone. And I know how I can share it with others… it’s only a matter of time before it happens.

But… back to my current situation. I need to accept where I am. I’m in an ashram. Maybe I’ll stay 1 more week… Initially I thought to stay a month. But it’s too controlled for me to stay that length. I feel comfortable for now and my yoga practise is getting better than I expected. Being here really is easing my curiosity in regards to other questions I’ve always had: How would it be to be a yoga teacher? Would I be able to make that happen in India? Would it be an amazing thing to be doing, as I travel? Well… let’s just say, that by being here, I’ve learnt that, yes I do love yoga and yes my yoga practice has improved immensely. But to take it to another level (to the level of teaching), I’d have to fully immerse myself in the yoga lifestyle. And I’m seeing that I’m not wonder woman. I can’t bring my yoga practise AND my writing BOTH to another level… simultaneously! What do I think I am?! Man oh man… I probably sound so greedy; to want so much more when I’m already surrounded by such amazing things and people and learning so about this journey and my entire life. But this compulsion almost, comes from seeing so many opportunities in the world. I’m learning that there’s a time and a place for everything. And yoga teaching will come, eventually, when the time is right. The place could very well be India. And concerning my book, I feel that time is of the essence. NOW feels to be the time and if this is my place (even if it’s only temporarily)… then soon enough things will come together… travel and writing… in whatever manner.

In the meantime, as I speak with others and connect less superficially and more in depth and figure out where to go next, I’ll continue to learn about physical yoga practise, breathing, relaxation, philosophy and the whole world of spiritual as well as symbolic India. I’m enjoying the communal living too, the silent eating, the meditations and the chanting each morning and night. From here, I’ll take so much of the yoga lifestyle with me, and I’ll incorporate it in my life, in whatever way I choose and I’ll slowly expand on what I know, as I travel.

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