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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

A late update; the 28th concluded

But, I was revealing the deeper truth behind my smile and I found that I DO have personal things to attend to, and yes, my weight may have dropped slightly. Even still, this admittance made me feel so exposed, especially because it was to a room full of parents who I’d only consider as being ‘familiar faces’, nothing more, nothing less… It was exposure I was unprepared for and I felt like such a failure; the fact that something from my past was now being ‘used’ as my key to become free from EF and as EFs’ key to become free from a bad reputation. We were both using something so personal and so real to help make a bad situation (that I’d created) a little better. But I guess it was the truth and by leaving I was consciously choosing to make things better, for myself, when taking my whole ‘journey’ into account. I was preventing ‘things’ from getting worse. I can now see that during those meetings, I actually WAS setting myself free from anything that could’ve harmed me and steered me away from my truth, had I continued to force myself to stay in an environment that wasn’t suiting me, not on a deeper level.

It was so hard to keep a hold of reality though, without getting too confused, too upset, too emotional and too lost in my past. And nobody had a clue just how painful it was. I, myself, didn’t even have a clue how painful it was, not until it came to the forth meeting of the day… the FORTH time to be ‘scrutinized’ and judged for my physical appearance. The FORTH time for me to say I had to leave and let everyone down in the process. I nearly burst into tears in front of 14 adults… just because of… EVERYTHING. Things felt to explode in my face.

I realize now, there was almost too much going on for me to have dealt fully with the situation on Sunday; there was the rising pain of the past, the approaching light of the new adventure and that present day I so desperately wanted to appreciate wholeheartedly, as it was my last.

So the emotions were inside, being stirred. But on the outside I continued to give what I could, to the parents, the kids and the colleagues. I was rising and falling all day long, and the exposure was almost overwhelming. There wasn’t enough of me to go round and I felt be placed in the spot light, for 15 whole hours. When I was rising, I could happily see what I’d contributed to the kids’ foreign experience and I knew I was moving on, towards better things. I knew in those moments that I was putting my own needs before everybody else’s. That was something I needed to keep close. Because, when I was falling, my head was spinning and the spot light was shining upon me for all the wrong reasons… I felt like a hypocrite, who was receiving too much importance, for ‘simply’ choosing to follow my heart. Such a contradiction; how can following the heart be so wrong??? Hummm… Just goes to show that I was emotionally all over the place…

By the end of the day, the head teacher was delighted with the response from the parents and the outcome of the meetings. She even thanked me for how well I’d handled it and how honest I was. The parents obviously felt I was genuine and therefore wished me well even though they would miss me. When I left the office on Sunday evening, for the last time, they even said that, if I ever wanted to come back, there would always a place for me. This really shocked me… But maybe the actions I took on that dreaded Sunday, had put right the wrong I felt to be doing, on behalf of the school. The whole event made me realize that being honest and open will always be only the way to move away from one place, without leaving behind any scars. It helps to move easily onwards to another place to rest assured that I did all I could to wipe the slate clean ‘everywhere’, before starting a fresh.

All in all, it was a painful day but I needed to experience it. And I now can close the chapter of teaching English in China and venture onwards. As for my personal issues and the weight loss; I trust and believe so strongly that, when I’m in a good place (in my mind as well as my surroundings), then everything will fall into accord… as it should. So happy and free I already feel. Life is good…

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