Opening up

Yesterday could’ve been a day to jump for joy, to shout to the heavens above, to ring everybody I know, to post 50 updates on Facebook and to scream in excitement for having finally finished something I’ve been working on for months. But I didn’t have any outbursts at all. Yesterday, when I wrote the last paragraph of the book I've been so focused on, I didn’t feel liberated, ecstatic, overjoyed, excited, free… I just felt… fine. All in a day’s work I guess… Now what????

This feeling of calm control was far from what I’d expected myself to experience, when I first started writing it, all those months ago. Especially given how elated and on top of the world I felt when I completed the very first draft of Digesting Wisdom. But the second time round – even if it’s a different story – doesn’t feel half as exhilarating. It’s just… normal.

Actually, I was a little shocked, at how much work I was able to do since coming back from Belgium, given how unsettled I was feeling. But it happened, without pressure or effort. In a way, it’s a relief that it’s over now; it’s at least out of my head and on paper. And I know that the road a book must travel, from it’s very first draft, to finally be printed, is a long one. So, I’m not expecting miracles to happen overnight and I’m not going to push or force this book to the shelves. Because, yesterday I realized: how on earth can the sequel get to the people, if the first title is hardly acknowledged?!?!? A reality-check came through… (even if, of course, it’s vital in life to ALWAYS expect miracles – only then can we be taken to different levels in our experiences). But at the moment, this is how it stands; if I want to get another book out, I HAVE to work with what’s already available. Only THEN can the sequel be welcomed and flow more easily.

As I’m writing this, my direction in life, seems pretty clear. But over the past week I’ve actually felt more disoriented and a little without purpose. Things have changed, by themselves, since I've come back. My perception has altered somewhat... God, how much can a person want in this life! I just completed another book, for crying out loud!!! And EVEN STILL I claim so hopelessly that I’m without direction!  

Well, I’m not here to beat myself up over what feelings have been coming through. Instead they need to be acknowledged. Only then can I realize, that yes, my life is changing, on its own accord. So, it must be what I need. My situation and focus are shifting… And that feeling of disorientation has been coming exactly on time: when one thing in my life has completed itself, instantly there's space for other things to enter. And this is the point where I say: I look ahead and opportunities are everywhere, the road is open, the future (and therefore ALWAYS the present) is bright… But it may be SO bright, that I can’t see what’s ahead! I’m blinded by this light… And have never felt to be so in the dark, as a result.

My usual reaction to this is to get on a plane, travel and I’ll find the answers. I’ve been tempted to... I've wanted to surf the internet for jobs abroad, to go teaching again, to find volunteer placements maybe. But I’m consciously NOT doing that (well, not yet anyhow)… I’m waiting patiently… Because the internet overwhelms me with things I ‘MUST’ do. I get more lost, frustrated and blind to what’s around me. This is something I’m trying to avoid… I don’t want to miss my life, here and now, by searching everywhere for what I want to pursue in life. And since when can Mr. Google give me the answers? I’m not dissing him, of course… but, I can't expect him to tell me what’s in my heart or where my focus should be turning towards. 

The fact that I’m waiting patiently for answers, doesn’t mean I’m being a lazy bum, and not DOING in order to get things moving… But, before taking action, I have to be clear, within myself, what it is I want. As well, I STILL have to take my current circumstances into account and realize that I don’t have the finances (yet) to move away (not if I don’t have a job waiting). I’ve also committed myself to this little cottage, until May (the notion of being here till then, has only recently started to feel suffocating... Oh god… here she goes again, creating her own misery in a space she once needed and loved so much). Along with that, I’ve also got a book that’s on the shelves (partially) BUT still in need of a great publicity boost. So I can’t go anywhere. I’d be turning my back, way too soon… No, when it comes to moving, it needs to be so I can bring what I’ve started, along with me… without neglecting what I’ve set in motion. 

So I know I have to stick it out and wait patiently. Maybe I’m already answering my own questions here: the road is open, I’m not sure of my direction, it’s not YET time to move, I’ll only travel once the first book receives a few boosts… Hummm… maybe that’s it… It could be so simple… And I guess it is… if I stop trying to figure out the hows, whens, wheres and whys. I’ve to keep trusting that the answers are inside… I can’t force them to the surface, I can only be aware of what I feel and look for signs in the world around me to guide me onwards. I can only use what’s available to me, here and now, to move me onwards. So I won’t run to the airport, hoping that a flight will direct me to the place I’m meant to be. Because, even if I feel unsettled right now, I know this is where I’m meant to be… lost in the dark, blinded by the light and patiently waiting for it to dim, so I can see the next step. (this is actually making me feel more excited, than I did yesterday, when the last chapter was written!!!!). Happy days as always.