...aren't always lost'

To get myself connected to life once again, I took part in a walking festival from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon. Ana-Sophia (a girl I met on the meditation course in June) and her friend John asked me to go along to the festival in the Burren (on the west coast, just an hour south of Galway city). The fact that it was in the west, on the same weekend as I was planning on moving over here, was brilliant! What a way to start this next move. I was finding my footing on Irish earth, good and proper!

It’s been 7 months since I put my backpack in the wardrobe. I remember when I stashed it away. God, how curious I was, as to what place I’d be travelling to, when the time to use it would come again. I never expected it to be the west of Ireland…  

We set off on Friday morning. I had my backpack packed. I had equipped myself with as much walking gear as I could carry and the Burren awaited us.

Both the hike as well as the company was perfect. We were levelling so much, we had great conversations and there was full understanding and respect for each other’s space. The walking was amazing in the sense that, for me, it almost turned into a meditation. By saying that, I don’t mean to say I had my eyes closed and sat on my behind the whole hike! (then it wouldn’t be a hike..!) But I mean to say, I was totally IN the moment, with full concentration and focus. Why? Because the terrain was rocky, boggy, holy (I means there were holes in the ground!) and loose. At stages there were only stepping stones, other times we were hanging off the side of rocky hills. So without focus one slip could’ve meant sprained ankles, broken bones and critical falls. It was a brilliant way to practise present-moment awareness. And to be in that state in such a gorgeous landscape… Wouw. I can’t say how powerful it was. I felt strong and grounded like never before, totally OUT of my head and pulled back into myself without projecting myself forward. Often, by projecting ourselves forward, we’re inclined to loose ourselves… and that’s what I’ve experienced. But on the 7 hour hike on Saturday, I found parts of myself again.

What took me by surprise as well was how strong my physical body has become. I had secret doubts if I’d be able for it, if my legs were solid enough, if my stamina was okay, if my back would carry me, if I’d keep up with the group… But I felt on top of all 3 hills we climbed, even when we were descending the hills, hanging from the lime stone landscape and watching the cows strolling along the little country roads. I was deeply satisfied J (Maybe I’ll concur the Everest yet  ;-) eventually… haha… )

Sunday afternoon the festival was over. Ana and John headed back to Dublin and I stayed in Clare (Doolin). That’s when it started hitting me… 'Okay Niamh, you’re here in the west now, in a hostel, without a set plan'. That’s when I felt… ‘I must be lost, if I don’t know where I’m staying next and why I’m doing this’… But the quote: ‘Those who wander aren’t always lost’ caught my eye at the perfect time. That’s when I found a deeper sense of trust again. Trust that I will find what I need, at this moment, and it was/is happening. I’ve set something in motion now and it can only move onwards. So I’ll make this work for me, in the way I feel is right, using what I’ve got to the best of my ability. We’ll see where it leads.

'Those who wander...'

‘Those who wander, aren’t always lost’

This morning – the 1^st of October – I was sitting in the hostel in Doolin (a village on the wild west coast of Ireland) and spotted this quote in a frame on the wall. And wouw… how much I got from reading these simple words… ‘Those who wander, aren’t always lost’ Because at around that time, I figured that’s what I was: lost. Why? Because I was wandering without any concrete plan.

On and off a part of me has been thinking: ‘What the hell are you putting yourself through? Heading to the west of Ireland, with a backpack you can hardly lift, without a place to stay, without knowing WHY you’re going or how long you’re going for or if you can support yourself! Why tear yourself away from a home that’s THERE for you always, back in Arklow? Why move away from the support, the little room, the heated house, the shelter from the rain, the wholesome food in the fridge and the opportunity to save money so as to move onwards and travel abroad?’

This quote popped up just on time and reminded me that I DO have a plan and that this ‘wandering without too much practical stuff set in place’ is actually making me feel more ‘found’ than I’ve felt in a long time. 

My plan is this: I follow and flow where I’m drawn to, without worrying about things I can't control (I also know the likelihood of things going wrong only increases, if I’m worrying and stressing about ifs, buts and maybes… because we get exactly THAT which we give!). So I plan to continue the search for some thing, some place and some living situation that raises me up, that connects me to myself again, that complements what I’m doing in life right now and that brings more opportunities into my life.

To get to that space where I feel connected to what’s really important in my life right now and to actually feel I can OPEN myself up to what Irish life has to offer and not be scared of embracing it – which is what I’ve always been, and therefore I’ve always opted for the flight that would take me to another place on earth – I needed to first off become unburdened from the worries, fears and doubts that I’ve laden myself with throughout the course of the past months. Because, due to this, I’ve been so far from ME. So I needed something that would bring me to back to where I am, RIGHT NOW. I needed something that would keep my perspective on life in Ireland just as open and opportunistic as the perspective I have on life everywhere OUTSIDE of Ireland.  

 

This step to west is about realizing this: I have to be grounded, appreciative, inspired and safe within my own space whilst living in a country I’ve always resisted – especially if this country has been a huge contributor in ‘sculpting’ my life to become what it is today as well as 'sculpting' myself to become what I am today. For this fact alone, I shouldn’t be scared of being in Ireland, being connected to this land and feeling good, happy and naturally in love with life whilst being here. 

I have to be able to create and live my life the way I want, regardless of where I am. I have to ignore fears that mould society and not be influenced by the ways in which others approach their days, view their individual lives and life on a whole, deal with their experiences and blind themselves to their blessings. I have to manage to create my own way of being, whilst being here in Ireland because if I can do this, then when I DO move onwards, I’ll know I can be anywhere in this world without feeling imprisoned by society’s, cultures and belief systems… I’ll have developed my own and I’ll be strong enough to live by them without losing my footing. 

So… putting this into practise in Ireland is one of my biggest challenges yet. But by facing these fears, I’m overcoming and breaking through my own barriers – slowly but surely. 

I’ve been so lucky to have started this new little adventure by doing something that has lifted me up out of my own head, brought me back down to earth and grounded me in this country again after having disconnected myself a little from myself and from life. What I needed and it came along at the right time. A good old hill walk through the Burren in County Clare!

To gather or scatter?

For the past 3 months I’ve been considering what step to take next, in terms of my living situation. I’ve been back at home for 7 months (!!!) and it’s quite a long time, seeing as though I’ve always been independent, on the move, excited by the next port of call, wondering who I’d meet, what experiences I’d be able to absorb and what opportunities would be presented. Such a flow of EVERYTHING happens when you’re on the road… That’s the life I’d been living for the past years. 

7 months ago, did I want to leave that life of movement behind? Hummm… Not really. I knew I had to put it on pause. And it scared the life out of me. But by overcoming that fear it was also the most liberating thing to do. But wasn’t I ‘supposed’ to be on the road by now, travelling overseas again?! Isn’t that what I had in mind, when I first arrived in February: ‘6 months here… and I’m gone again…’ Hummm… At this point in time, I don’t want to, nor CAN I, leave Ireland. There’s too much only starting to happen… Also when I came back I made a commitment to myself to NOT run away from something that I’ve set in motion (even if the wanderer inside wishes for me to return – by taking on a teaching job in Asia and boarding a plane asap!) 

This period in Arklow was necessary… And I’m so grateful, for many reasons. I know I needed to become temporarily STUCK at home, to realize NOW that I need to, once again, become UNSTUCK. Yes. It’s about getting the balance right… First we roam, we wander, we scatter ourselves in different places… then we sit, we rest, we gather ourselves in one certain place. Then comes the time to scatter ourselves again! But… here’s the thing… Can we be GATHERED and SCATTERED all at once? Can we find ourselves and feel SAFE and connected to ourselves, when we’re ‘scattered’? Can we bring movement into our lives—which projects a scattered state in the eyes of others—but feel gathered, balanced, focussed in ourselves, simultaneously? 

This is the big question of balance and an eye opener for me. 

These past months I may have been ‘sitting’ but I’ve not been gathering myself at all and because of trying too hard to gather myself, I’ve actually exhausted myself… as a result I’ve felt, especially recently.

Conclusion: I’ve been scattered and trying so hard to be ‘gathered’.

So… now that I’m considering my options… do I choose to scatter myself and leave the ‘gathering’ for a later date? Or do I just let go and do what I know makes me feel 'found and free' or 'gathered and scattered'? 

To bring this little scattered piece of writing together again: I know what I want but there’s an element of fear holding me back. Being at home, yes I’ve regressed I guess… I’m a child again and fears have been controlling my decisions. It’s so funny to witness how incompetent I feel, whilst living in a situation where the role, once again, becomes one of a child. In such a situation OF COURSE fears will control, limit and almost stop progression in life… It’s crazy… For example, when I’m on the other side of the world and I’m just doing as I please, I have no fears whatsoever! I wouldn’t care where I’d sleep and ‘trouble’ would be far from my mind… I’d always trust that the right people, places and experiences would show up at the right time. And that’s how it always happened. In that, I’d flow with the moment. And if I WOULD have fears, I’d STILL do as I pleased and I’d overcome the fears in that very act of DOING.

But, HERE… my god, taking the smallest steps, I’m suddenly worried, doubtful, sceptical and I’m limiting myself. I’m holding myself back, making excuses that ‘now’s not the right time…’ The rising urgency I have that’s pushing me to move again is telling me I need to STOP with the excuses… LET GO of fears… IGNORE anybody or anything that’s causing me to doubt the ability I have to go beyond SURVIVING out in this world and to once again start THRIVING out in this world...

The road is so greatly OPEN, regardless of the country we’re in. Freedom can be experienced ANYWHERE in the world… Free, as in, NOT being controlled by what’s right or wrong, good or bad, accepted or condemned in the eyes of society. Free, as in, NOT being controlled by the fear of ‘what could happen IF….’, NOT clinging to STUFF thinking it will make us feel safe, NOT depending on any THING or any WORDS from others to make us feel ‘just okay’ in this life. No! We’re fully dependent only on our own WORDS and those are the ones to make us feel MORE THAN JUST OKAY in this life.

I’m only realizing how much of myself I find when I’m ‘out there’… Therefore I’m not scattered, when I actually roam, wander and move… I find myself GATHERED when I’m doing something that others would consider to be SCATTERED. I feel so settled and safe when I don’t feel others are expecting me to be settled. That’s so contradictive, I know. But I feel ALIVE, there’s no weight of the world, no burden to bear and no ‘trying to be a certain thing for the sake of what others will say’. When I’m overcoming fears instead of being controlled by them, I feel totally IN THIS WORLD… Not running, not pretending and not going against the potential we have, as people, whilst being here in this life…  

So, this is my next step. I’m gonna FINALLY stop moaning, stop complaining, stop making excuses and I’ll see how it feels to move around Ireland. For the first time in my life, I’m moving on but NOT actually boarding a plane! This is HUGE for me... ;)  

I’m just going to go with the flow and see where it lands me. Where to? I’m going to go west; to Galway. I've always felt drawn to that particular place. So, now that it's so close, I'm going to take my chances. I don’t know if I’ll stay… All I know is that I have to go. So I’ll pack my backpack, create something of an ‘office on the go’ and start working on getting the balance right between this ‘gathering and scattering’ wherever I so happen to move.