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Saturday, September 22, 2012

To gather or scatter?

For the past 3 months I’ve been considering what step to take next, in terms of my living situation. I’ve been back at home for 7 months (!!!) and it’s quite a long time, seeing as though I’ve always been independent, on the move, excited by the next port of call, wondering who I’d meet, what experiences I’d be able to absorb and what opportunities would be presented. Such a flow of EVERYTHING happens when you’re on the road… That’s the life I’d been living for the past years. 

7 months ago, did I want to leave that life of movement behind? Hummm… Not really. I knew I had to put it on pause. And it scared the life out of me. But by overcoming that fear it was also the most liberating thing to do. But wasn’t I ‘supposed’ to be on the road by now, travelling overseas again?! Isn’t that what I had in mind, when I first arrived in February: ‘6 months here… and I’m gone again…’ Hummm… At this point in time, I don’t want to, nor CAN I, leave Ireland. There’s too much only starting to happen… Also when I came back I made a commitment to myself to NOT run away from something that I’ve set in motion (even if the wanderer inside wishes for me to return – by taking on a teaching job in Asia and boarding a plane asap!) 

This period in Arklow was necessary… And I’m so grateful, for many reasons. I know I needed to become temporarily STUCK at home, to realize NOW that I need to, once again, become UNSTUCK. Yes. It’s about getting the balance right… First we roam, we wander, we scatter ourselves in different places… then we sit, we rest, we gather ourselves in one certain place. Then comes the time to scatter ourselves again! But… here’s the thing… Can we be GATHERED and SCATTERED all at once? Can we find ourselves and feel SAFE and connected to ourselves, when we’re ‘scattered’? Can we bring movement into our lives—which projects a scattered state in the eyes of others—but feel gathered, balanced, focussed in ourselves, simultaneously? 

This is the big question of balance and an eye opener for me. 

These past months I may have been ‘sitting’ but I’ve not been gathering myself at all and because of trying too hard to gather myself, I’ve actually exhausted myself… as a result I’ve felt, especially recently.

Conclusion: I’ve been scattered and trying so hard to be ‘gathered’.

So… now that I’m considering my options… do I choose to scatter myself and leave the ‘gathering’ for a later date? Or do I just let go and do what I know makes me feel 'found and free' or 'gathered and scattered'? 

To bring this little scattered piece of writing together again: I know what I want but there’s an element of fear holding me back. Being at home, yes I’ve regressed I guess… I’m a child again and fears have been controlling my decisions. It’s so funny to witness how incompetent I feel, whilst living in a situation where the role, once again, becomes one of a child. In such a situation OF COURSE fears will control, limit and almost stop progression in life… It’s crazy… For example, when I’m on the other side of the world and I’m just doing as I please, I have no fears whatsoever! I wouldn’t care where I’d sleep and ‘trouble’ would be far from my mind… I’d always trust that the right people, places and experiences would show up at the right time. And that’s how it always happened. In that, I’d flow with the moment. And if I WOULD have fears, I’d STILL do as I pleased and I’d overcome the fears in that very act of DOING.

But, HERE… my god, taking the smallest steps, I’m suddenly worried, doubtful, sceptical and I’m limiting myself. I’m holding myself back, making excuses that ‘now’s not the right time…’ The rising urgency I have that’s pushing me to move again is telling me I need to STOP with the excuses… LET GO of fears… IGNORE anybody or anything that’s causing me to doubt the ability I have to go beyond SURVIVING out in this world and to once again start THRIVING out in this world...

The road is so greatly OPEN, regardless of the country we’re in. Freedom can be experienced ANYWHERE in the world… Free, as in, NOT being controlled by what’s right or wrong, good or bad, accepted or condemned in the eyes of society. Free, as in, NOT being controlled by the fear of ‘what could happen IF….’, NOT clinging to STUFF thinking it will make us feel safe, NOT depending on any THING or any WORDS from others to make us feel ‘just okay’ in this life. No! We’re fully dependent only on our own WORDS and those are the ones to make us feel MORE THAN JUST OKAY in this life.

I’m only realizing how much of myself I find when I’m ‘out there’… Therefore I’m not scattered, when I actually roam, wander and move… I find myself GATHERED when I’m doing something that others would consider to be SCATTERED. I feel so settled and safe when I don’t feel others are expecting me to be settled. That’s so contradictive, I know. But I feel ALIVE, there’s no weight of the world, no burden to bear and no ‘trying to be a certain thing for the sake of what others will say’. When I’m overcoming fears instead of being controlled by them, I feel totally IN THIS WORLD… Not running, not pretending and not going against the potential we have, as people, whilst being here in this life…  

So, this is my next step. I’m gonna FINALLY stop moaning, stop complaining, stop making excuses and I’ll see how it feels to move around Ireland. For the first time in my life, I’m moving on but NOT actually boarding a plane! This is HUGE for me... ;)  

I’m just going to go with the flow and see where it lands me. Where to? I’m going to go west; to Galway. I've always felt drawn to that particular place. So, now that it's so close, I'm going to take my chances. I don’t know if I’ll stay… All I know is that I have to go. So I’ll pack my backpack, create something of an ‘office on the go’ and start working on getting the balance right between this ‘gathering and scattering’ wherever I so happen to move.

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