So, yes I’ve decided to give this a proper shot. The decision to stay was something that actually came naturally. It wasn’t forced and it suddenly seemed so easy. Running at this moment in time, would not have served me in the long run. The discipline and the feeling of imprisonment caught me off-guard. I can see that now. I felt I had to be like all the other teachers. I felt I was in the army. I felt I had to be the “soldier”, the strict-one and I felt I had to change my way of teaching and therefore “being” - seeing as though my only reason for being here at Ebenezer is to teach.
But Paul made me see that we are definitely different from the teachers at school. But for that reason, they have employed us! We can be proud of who we are and the differences we bring into the school. Once I realize how worthy my teaching is, then I am free to be as I please, to smile when I’m happy and to chat to whoever I want. For me to know what teaching can give me, as I’ve felt it before, makes me see that I can give so much more and that this is only the beginning. And the more experience I gain, the more I’ll realize that wherever I teach English, no matter what country it may be, I’ll always be free to be as I am.
In Kayamkulam I was teaching with my personality. And that’s what I loved, that’s what I’m good at. Here I’ll be doing the same. The school knows that last week I walked into the office at my lowest point and they know on what terms I’m staying: I’m going to be my own person, regardless of the discipline applied. With this honesty I gave them, I created my own sense of freedom. This is what I have to remind myself of. If I can’t have freedom in the physical sense, then I can seek it elsewhere. And that’s what I’m doing.
Needless to say, this turn-around on Friday took its toll. I was shattered by the emotions. I felt I had been to therapy, and I hadn’t spoken like I did with Paul, for a few weeks. But it was good. This would work. I simply was doing a “180” again, and I’d adjust my mindset. I was and am happy with the decision I’ve made. I’m so happy to have Paul here. Because I simply don’t have the experience required, to do this by myself in such a school. Not at this point in time. I still need training and help. And that’s what Paul is offering. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself or expect so much.
So from Monday (the 14th) I’ve been approaching this job, as being an internship, or work experience. I’m studying and I’m learning in my free periods and I’m in the right environment to put into practice what I’m learning and creating. This will give me so much experience, in many different aspects and I’m determined to get as much from it as possible. I have my freedom once again. Nothing has been lost since coming here, but everything has been gained. Already it’s an amazing feeling, no matter how challenging it was or how challenging it may become. The world is once again an open door for me. This is what Paul from Manchester made me see!! How brilliant it can be to meet such people.