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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Sunday June 6th - No more smiles

Another 3 days have passed. All the questions I was facing myself with, since Thursday, reached breaking point yesterday afternoon (Saturday). The questions I asked myself were: should I stay or should I go? Should I stick it out and go against my “gut-feeling” and force myself to make this chapter in Ebenezer somewhat of a success? Or should I follow what I had realized I wanted to do - which was to leave this environment?

Friday passed in a daze. I didn’t have many classes, so all I did was sit in the staffroom and write for hours. I didn’t care what the teachers were thinking of me or what they were saying about me. I was in a zone. I gave a few introduction classes, and can hardly remember doing them. I realized I had to take some kind of action and set the ball rolling, if I wanted to make a change. Something had to done, even though I had doubts. There was nobody I could confide in, there was nobody really able to understand what I was feeling, because nobody was in the same situation. Explaining is difficult - when a conversation has the potential of going deep, or if that’s what I’m needing in order to express myself. In such cases there cannot be any barrier in the language. And here, there is. They speak superficial English, that’s all.

Saturday morning I couldn’t smile. I felt I had no purpose here. I felt I was wasting time. I felt uninspired, unmotivated, and still very much alone. We had a meeting, once again, and, once again, rules and regulations were thrown our way. My head was being invaded with “stuff” I didn’t want to know. In my mind I had already left Ebenezer. I was on the road again and I was happy and able to breathe. But in reality I was still here. I was still in this prison. To make my mind a reality, I had to act so I could get away from this place, even if it were to lead me back home, sooner than I expected. After the meeting I couldn’t speak with anybody, for fear of breaking down. I rang Babu, from the agency. Usually I would have rang Byron, who got me the job in the first place, but he’s leaving the company and flying back to England on the 7th. I told Babu that this isn’t working out. I told him I’m not happy, that I cannot stay and that doing a good job here is nearly impossible, if I’m feeling so low. He requested me to stay until the end of the month. A verbal agreement?? Hummm.

I knew that I didn’t want to let anybody down and I knew that if I were to leave, with or without his consent then the company could get into big trouble. I didn’t want to be the cause of that. I wanted to act correctly. So I agreed. I’d have to stick it out. I’d have to adjust all my thoughts. This was doable. But adjusting my feelings wouldn’t be so easy. After realizing I’d be staying, I broke down, once again. I was miserable and didn’t know if I’d cope. A part of me didn’t even know if I WANTED to cope! I was feeling heartbroken and so alone.

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