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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Sunday June 6th - Yes, I can smile!

Still Saturday. Matters weren't made easier, that I couldn't contact home. I had no way of ringing for a proper chat. I had no internet connection and felt so distant from everybody, I even felt distant from myself. I hadn’t been online in over a week, which has happened before since my travels, but if felt to be far longer than just 9 days. Probably because so much has happened. I got permission from the principle to go to the nearest town, Ettumanoor, in the afternoon and I made it my mission to contact home. But, because it’s the monsoon season and there are so many storms, the connection and the electricity is something we can’t rely on. So I didn’t get connected in the way I wanted to, but I managed to at least get some emails sent.

It’s crazy how much worse this lack of communication with home, made me feel! I wanted to scream, to cry, I wanted to curse this country and the rudeness of the men and the lack of “convenience” when trying to live life. I actually asked myself why I’m doing all of this??!! I’m in a school that’s not for me, I’m walking around a small town that’s chaos, dirty and overcrowded, I’m being stared at, I’m missing home, I’m alone and I have no clue of nothing.. This is how I was feeling yesterday afternoon. I was sick to my stomach, woozy in my head and weak in my body because of it all. It was madness that was going on!

Just as quickly as this madness came, it also disappeared. A while later, back on school grounds, I was fine again. I met up with the teachers, I was relaxed and I knew I’d make this job a success. I simply had no choice in the matter. I suddenly knew I could do this. Because in all the madness I was creating in my head, when my search for internet was failing, I still managed to feel confident with what I was doing. I felt strong and I felt hardy. I felt nothing was really going to get the better of me. I felt I had come so far from the person who arrived here 4 months ago. I knew India so much better - even though there’s still an enormous amount to learn and experience. Yes I was feeling frustrated by the world in which I had willingly placed myself, but this is what I came to India for. I didn’t come for an easy ride. I didn’t come for only bliss. I had it in Varkala through the surroundings and now, the place I chose to be, is forcing me to find bliss elsewhere. And it’s not in this disciplined school environment. Maybe it’s in the hours I’ll get to write? Maybe that will give me strength and set me free, until I’m due to leave?

For many, a month sounds like such a short period of time. And it can be, depending on what you’re doing, what path you are on, what you’re are aiming for and how big a thing it is, that you want to achieve, through what you are currently undertaking. For me, a month feels long, because my days in India are numbered. Had this assignment in Ebenezer been given to me months ago, say in March, then a month would have been nothing! But on the 19th of July, I have to leave the country. My visa is up. This makes me want to cherish each and everyday here in this magical land, even more than I already have been doing. I know this country has so much to offer me, I haven’t even started experiencing a side of India I so desperately want to learn more about. In these next 6 weeks I wanted get extra inspiration and learn a uniqueness for which only India is known. And I initially thought this school would be it. It’s turned out not to be. And hearing that I’ll be staying here until the end of June therefore felt too long.

But, I can do this. I know there is a reason for me to be here. And if it’s to make me feel like I’m missing out on more of India and then lead me back in some months down the line, then that will be amazing. I know it’s still to come, if I want it that much. I know I can make it happen. Just like the teaching I’ll be doing here; I have to make it work. And therefore I will.

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