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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

My moment of insanity

3 Weeks left and I feel to be in a very strange place right now. At Ebenezer school something new comes along each day. Something that makes me question what I'm doing, where I'm going and why I'm doing this. I've been at this school for 4 weeks and it feels like a lifetime. I've been up and down, backwards and forwards, I've been every which way a person can be.. and every single move is creating my final chapter of this Indian adventure.

Everyday there's something though. Something telling me I have to go - some feeling and some voice - even when I choose to see this as a place I have to be at this moment in time. But I don't leave. I stay. And because of this, everyday I go into my own world, regardless if I want to or not, which so far away from Ebenezer school. When I'm walking around the school I sometimes loose a hold of reality and this leads me to not being bothered with teaching and going to class. But once I'm in front of these amazing kids, something new inside me comes alive! Yet other times I have to force myself to resist the urge I have to shut myself off in a classroom and write for hours and hours.

I've been learning things, through the talks I've been having with both Mahaut (my new and oh so inspiring and wise flatmate from France) and Cliff. Will this all stop now that the dynamics in the group, with the arrival of another roommate from Germany, by the name of Anika and with the departure of my saving grace Paul? Mahaut and Cliff were my main reason for choosing to stay at the school until the 9th: these 2 amazing individuals. But now, will I get as much from my last week here? I don't know. I know it's what I choose to make of it..

I sometimes can't help counting down the days to when I'll leaving this school, no matter how much I tell myself to savour each day. People tell me I'll be back and so it really shouldn't matter if I stay an extra week at a school that doesn't really make me happy. But that's THEIR words, THEIR thoughts..and not MINE.

Sometimes I want to set myself free. But by doing so, I'd feel to be running away and taking the easy road. I'd feel weak. Sometimes I think that by staying I'm being weak and taking the easy road. It doesn't really matter at this moment in time what I choose to do. I'm weak in both aspects. My heart tells me to go, but something is stopping me. Something in my mind is holding me back. Is it finances? Or is it the reassurance that I'll WILL be back to India, and that it's therefore true what others are saying: that one more week at this school doesn't really matter?

So much is going on. With all this happening, I'm trying to keep a hold of reality. I'm forcing myself each day to stay on this planet, to stay in this space so I can teach properly. I'm struggling to keep my focus, because my heart isn't in it. My heart pushes me to sit by myself and write. But I'm a teacher for now, so I have to go against the current and the flow that's coming from inside. I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I'm leaving this amazing country. My travels through India are all slotting together in my head and the nearer the date comes for me to leave, the more I realize that THIS is only just the beginning. I haven't even started to get from India what I feel it can give me. Maybe when I place myself outside of this chapter I'll see that these experiences have been the start and the foundation for my connection with India. A foundation I worked hard at creating and a connection I still desperately need and long to strenghten..

For this reason I know, even if the visa wasn't forcing me to leave, I have to leave. I have to reflect. Ideally I'd take some proper time alone before getting on a plane. But I don't know if that's going to happen, due to some factors I feel I have to attend to and some people I simply must see. If I'd be less hard on myself, I'd leave Ebenezer, I'd go off to the place where my heart has already gone, and I wouldn't question myself and I'd be free. I'd leave others to think and do as they wish, and I would do the exact same. But that would be too easy. I need these weeks so I learn and grow stronger. I've come this far, so I'm not backing down, no way!

I've had days when I've felt I was going to explode with all the confusion and the scatteredness in my mind. Last night I couldn't even put into words what was going on inside. Everything that India represents, was giving me so much energy that simply trying to speak caused dizzy spells and the sweat was seeping through my pours. I shocked myself, by all this amazement that has built up inside of me, and last night, I NEEDED to act. I needed to do more. But I couldn't. I couldn't even speak and I wasn't able to write, because I had no words. I just had energy, sweat and dizzyspells. There's a mountain of India inside of me. A mountain of inspiration and due to the place I was and still am in, there's no means for me to do anything with it.

It's only normal that sleeping has been a problem. I'm dosing-off each night, with a heart still full of desires. How greedy can a person be? I'm here, I'm amazed, I'm already living my dream and yet I still feel it's not enough. Is it greed or eagerness? Is it discipline or is it passion? What it is that's keeping me from my sleep, I cannot say in one word.

All I know is that no matter how easy or difficult things can be, regardless of where I place myself on this earth, my longings never stop, my drive never leaves and the inspiration I feel inside that's gaining more and more strength, as my leaving date gets nearer and nearer, will find the place where it can serve it's purpose. Ebenezer isn't it, and I needed to go through this periode, to realize that when I DO find where my inspiration and passion can be expressed, then I'll feel it and I'll know it's right. I will find out how and where it's insync and flowing with the surroundings I place myself in.

My sanity is still here, somewhere in my lessons and when I'm with these kids. They are providing me with the grouding I need, so I can continue to walk with my head held high and with a smile on my face..

I love you all so so much xxxx

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