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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Ebenezer no more - I

Last week Wednesday I found out that rising to a challenge in life can be inspiring, uplifting and rewarding. But when a person is classing “overcoming a feeling of discomfort” as being a challenge, then there’s nothing to overcome and a lift will never be felt. You will simply continue to struggle through the situation you are faced with.

My last entry, was somewhat of a cry for help, to myself. I needed to rescue ME! I thought I was at Ebenezer school because I needed to rise to the challenge. But I realized on Wednesday that instead of challenging myself, I was simply punishing myself.

Wednesday I reached breaking point. It didn’t matter that I had so many amazing people around me: Mahaut, Cliff and some of the other Indian teachers. It didn’t matter that the students were fun, or that the lessons were getting better or that the apartment was fresh and clean. All these luxuries didn’t have an effect on me anymore. The only thing that had an effect on me, was ME. And I wasn’t in a happy place. I was tired of trying to keep my focus on the classroom and on school. I was tired of going against the “current“. I was beat and felt that I had done everything in my power to try and make my time at the school into the amazing experience I wanted it to be.

By being in Mahauts presence, I started to become more aware of what I wanted again. I started to tune-in to ME, without effort. I suddenly was no longer wary of saying what I wanted and I became so strong, through the talks we had. She taught me so much, just by listening. And on Wednesday night a shift occurred within me and I decided to bite the bullet and to finally set myself free. I was leaving! I wasn’t going to ignore that voice that was telling me, hour after hour, to leave. At that point I only had 10 days left at the school. Most people would have stuck it out, for such a short space of time. But I figured, when it’s time to leave, it’s time to leave.. I couldn’t deny it anymore. And most importantly, I didn’t want to deny it anymore!

At that stage, I knew I only had 2 more weeks left in India. And I wasn’t going to stay in a place where I would never feel comfortable, just for the sake of it. So the decision was made. All I had to do was act and everything would follow suit. It wasn’t even difficult to do. From Thursday morning onwards I started letting people know I was going. Friday was going to be my last day. Nobody was going to convince me to stay, even though certain people were tempted to try. Everybody was understanding and my replacement was being arranged. I didn’t tell all of the teachers, only those who I had gotten close to. The students I didn’t tell either. It would only have made things more difficult and I’d have to explain myself over and over again as to why and when I‘m leaving and where I‘d be going. I wanted to leave quietly and without too much fuss. And that’s what I did.

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