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Friday, July 23, 2010

Panic in Paradise

Thursday morning. Only 3 days since leaving India, leaving the continent of Asia and arriving in Europe. Panic hit home, or should I say; panic hit Rome, when the jetlag started to disappear. Clouds started to form and were blocking any sense of clarity I’d had about what I was doing with my life, up until that point.

I felt so lost, I felt trapped, all of my focus was gone and I needed to leave. I wanted to run! But running back to my roots, made me panic even more. And running back to the place from which I had just arrived, wasn’t an option, nor did I even want it to be an option at this point in time. Running away just to find something new, to have a sense of purpose and to regain focus.. Where those my reasons? Or was I suddenly seeing “rationally” because of the world in which I was now in? Has the perspective I’ve had on reality for months and months, suddenly changed, just because of the surroundings I’m now in? Am I seeing that coming to Rome was definitely a crazy act, that it wasn’t rational nor what can be classed as “reality”? Was this decision of mine, that I had taken 4 weeks ago when I was in amazing India, influenced by all the magic and freedom that I was experiencing due to nobody judging me or nobody having any expectations of me?

I wondered, on Thursday morning, what on earth I was doing. I had come here without a plan of action. I knew nothing. Except that I had to see that familiar face of David again, who would make the change, when coming back to Europe, seem so easy and normal and maybe even equally amazing as all the other stops that are made along the journey of life. That’s what I was needing and that’s my reason for coming here. I realize that now. And it‘s what I‘m experiencing too. Thursday I was going through a change, I could feel it and was finding it hard to enjoy what was actually happening and who I was spending my time with. But through many talks, as we were roaming through the alleys and streets of beautiful Rome, the clouds started to disappear.

Most of what I realized, was what I have been “working on” over the past months. It’s the fact that returning to Europe is not the end. It’s just another stop along the way. I’m not putting myself in a prison, I’m not going backwards. But in order to keep on going further, I need to simply re-connect with people and pass through. The only way I felt and still feel to do this as “effortlessly as possible, is through coming here and through continuing on to Holland and Ireland. The panic I felt was just because of the fear I have, that I’ll get stuck.

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