In this environment I’m able to do and be as I wish. I’m allowed to let go of reality. Something I was struggling to hold on to last week, as I was still trying to teach properly. Holding onto reality is no longer expected of me, here at the Ashram. And it’s a very freeing feeling, even with the schedule we must stick to. It’s so easy to be here and the schedule doesn’t feel like a chore. I actually feel gratitude for it and it’s a pleasure to stick to! I can imagine for some people who stay here for weeks and weeks or months and months even, that the monotony of each day can start to “freak you out”. But for me, it’s still fresh and new, so I’m always inspired and excited by the fact that, due to what I learn through the disciplined schedule that has been applied, I can loose myself in myself for a few days. And this is the beauty of my stay here; it’s short and therefore very very sweet. I’m getting a taster of what India can offer me, in terms of yoga. And already I’m realizing what it is. I’m getting a sample of how it would be to stay in an Ashram and to study yoga. I’m being reminded of how easily yoga comes to me, when I have the environment to only focus on that. Life flows and learning about the self comes so naturally. just after 2 days I‘m realizing this.. It’s amazing.
After my last yoga experience, which was back in April, I wasn’t practicing daily yoga anymore. I stopped. Something happened in that dreaded place where I experienced some of my worst days in India. On several occasions I tried to practice again, but it didn’t feel good anymore. Even though I still was longing to do it regularly and expand through the art. This was one of my reasons for choosing to spend a short week in an ashram: to get back into yoga, and to feel what it brings out in me, once again. To relight the flame, I suppose you could say. And on the first full day, that started happening.
Regardless of my weak frame, right now, the teachers have encouraged me to take the higher class. But I’m taking it easy. I’m getting reacquainted with this yoga style and even doing the beginners class, feels to be too much. I have to do what I feel comfortable with, and it's not going to the higher level, even though some women have said that I'm offending them by being in the beginners class, because it's obvious that I'm not a beginner. Did this effect me? Usually it would have done, but not now. Not the way my body is feeling. I have to face facts, as they stand right now, and that’s the fact that India has given me an amazing amount, but it’s also taken a few things from me. And the main thing is, a few kilo’s. An exact number, I don’t know. But have I lost too many kilo’s? Yes.
It's a subject I've been wanting to touch for quite some time, and now I'm faced with it. 6 months of being in a crazy, insane, and freeing country like India, has taken it's toll, on my physical frame. It happened, and I'm just facing facts. Different foods, hectic travels and working hard, can take alot from people. I'm not worried, but I'm just saying how it is right now. I'm not sorry to have come to the Ashram and to have discovered my weak frame, but I'm just grateful that I now know, if I do want to seriously continue with yoga, I have to gain more physical strength.
So many things can arise, when you stop and are "forced" to still the mind, each waking hour. We face our deepest and darkest side, that really is so very very bright. Therefore I'm not scared. Yoga and the meditation is giving me insights and calmness, it's inspiring me and making me more aware of my inner strength once again - as in the haste of life we can tend to leave that side of ourselves to rest, unintentionally. It's all coming back. A short and sweet stay at an Ashram is what I needed. So I will continue to engage in whatever I'm faced with, before I concur crazy Indian travel, for one last time.. Friday afternoon I'm getting taking a 17-hour overnight trainride to visit Jayanthi in Chennai - it's just one last push I'm taking with my 30kilo's of luggage, and then I'll be in a place where I can reflect for a few days, on my 6 months in India and rest. xoxoxo