Out of India, 6 weeks. Have I distanced myself from it all? Have I forgotten about that place of magic? Am I so far away in time and space, that I can’t imagine I was ever there? Has too much happened since leaving that I haven’t been able to process the precious time I spent there?
The answer to these questions, is a simply “no”.
I may be focussed on other things right now, but I live India in my heart everyday. I can’t help it. I dream about it most nights. If it doesn’t come to me at night, there’s no escaping it coming to me during the day. I’ll regularly check what time it is over there (my mobile phone is still on Indian time), and I’ll think about what certain people are doing and seeing. I’ll hear the beeping of the horns and feel the manic driving, when the traffic here in Ireland is suddenly too civilized. I’ll sense the muggy air when the Irish wind feels fresh or even cold and I’ll feel the warm raindrops of a monsoon shower, when the drizzling starts and when people instantly stop smiling. But hang on! Were the people here on the streets smiling before it started to rain? Surely I would have noticed the smile of stranger, had it come my way! Those smiles can be so infrequent here that, when it does happen, it would definitely jump out at me! But they aren't jumping out at me! Even when I envision myself to be in a refreshing monsoon which is making me smile at this Irish world; I’m not attracting that smile back to me! But not everyone is that bothered to smile at strangers..
I won't be brought down by the faces that are exactly that: down. I see the world in a light manner and feeling India in my heart, keeps me distant from here, to a certain extent. I need that, for some reason. I know that engaging too much, can easily bring myself to also have that closed-off approach to the world; something I no longer appreciate and therefore want to avoid be. Just like negativity in every corner and complaining about nothing. Have people always been this way or am I only seeing this now? The art of complaining here, is second to none! People would be award winners, if such a competition would exist.
How can a person share all the joys that are being lived every day and every moment, when every single positive vibe or comment is being met with a negative? How can a person stay sane? Can’t a person express herself freely, without a “but” being the first word in the sentence of the reply she receives? Sometimes I really do wonder. I’m not wanting to send out these negative vibes myself, but I’m just being truthful about the way things are here. I’ve chosen to place myself in Ireland and therefore I’m experiencing myself differently amongst the people.
I’m questioning if I’ve really changed? Was I also closed off to meeting a stranger? Was I also starting every reply to positive remarks with a “but”? Who knows! But what I do know for sure, is the things that used to interest me, don’t anymore. I don’t watch the telly anymore. Commercial music sometimes resembles pure noise. Alcohol couldn’t be further from my mind. Shopping for clothes is not really a pass-time. I can’t listen to the radio; the news is aimed at depressing people and they’re succeeding; people are constantly feeding off each others’ misery and confusing their “compassion” for “giving their heads more worries to keep them awake at night and more things to gossip and complain about”.
This is the way of the world here so I can adjust and accept. It doesn’t so much get me down and instead of focusing too much attention on these aspects of society, I can choose to learn about what needs I have in regards to my surroundings, simply by relating to what I see around me, right here and now. I can realize where I feel comfortable and where I can express myself in whatever way I need to, and it will be appreciated.
I’ve adjusted and accepted the way things are here. But adjustment and acceptance don’t always lead to comfort. No matter how much I’m loving what I’m doing right now due to the “task” I’ve given myself (to write) and no matter how much I’ve learnt since being here and how gorgeous I’ve realized this Ireland really is, the fact of the matter is, I’ve come to appreciate other things in life and can often experience certain situations to simply be ones that I don’t want to find myself in. I’m not resisting, because I’m here and going with whatever comes my way. I’m just witnessing my place here now, and it’s changed. As have I. But change is good, it’s a welcome treat and can bring all kinds of different opportunities along with it. I don’t feel bad, I don’t feel odd, I don’t feel alien. I feel like me. And it’s so reassuring. So I can do and be wherever I need and I’ll find out along the way what’s right for me, simply by placing myself in different surroundings and situations. So wherever this chapter may lead, it can be nothing less than brilliant!! Care to join me…??