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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Counting my blessings

The more time that passes, the more I realize just how important it is for me to do what I’m doing right now. This is no longer a pass-time. This is my work. This is my job. I feel it so strongly. What am I talking about? Of course, It has to be writing.

2 places I can describe I’m in. Or maybe 2 dreams that I’m living and needing to bring together. Which are, without a doubt; travel and writing. I’m focused on 1 of these ‘places’ in order to keep on experiencing the other ‘place’. I’m writing to keep me travelling. I’m writing so that it becomes my travel. I’ve been given this amazing chance here in Ireland, here where I have my roots, so I can write. And the more I get along with what I’m doing, the more important it’s becoming. The significance is huge. And it’s no longer just a hobby. It’s actually my lifeline and
it’s all I want my life to revolve around.

I can feel so certain that writing is going to keep me on the road. And when I take a step out of my life and look at the bigger picture, I can see how valuable this time here is. It’s precious, because I know it won’t last. It’s precious because of what I’m able to create. It’s precious because it’s going to set me up, in ways I never dared imagine. It’s precious because it’s also my freedom. It’s precious and therefore time feels to have stopped. It’s not of the essence. Instead what I do each moment is of the essence.

The subject I’m working on each day is one that most people know about. It’s regarding the time in my life when I was here in Ireland, for 10 months, whilst recovering from an illness. Back then, I wrote my way through everyday, As soon as I was back to full health, I was on a plane to Oz and my travel dreams were becoming a reality. However the thing that always stuck in my mind, was the writing I’d done throughout my recovery. And it was my dream to be able to work on it, and bring something into the world to help others and to set myself even freer in the knowledge that my experience with illness and journey to health would be used to its fullest potential. This is what I dreamed of when I was travelling Oz, living in a van, being on the road and having the most amazing time. My writing still was my dream.

However distracted by the amazement in everything I was seeing and doing each day, I never found the peace or the time to actually sit and get to work on what I felt was one of the main purposes for me to have gone through the illness. Even when I was in India, on several occasions I had made it my priority and main goal, to seclude myself and work on my old writing. Never, however, did I take the proper time-out I needed. I mean, who would? When you’re in the midst of magic, experiencing a country you thought you might never see, the last thing on your list is ‘seclusion to write’. This is something I’m only realizing now, by the way. But it still played on my mind and I’d dream of being able to devote precious time to it. But it’s not about devotion of time, is it? It’s a deeper form of devotion; is devotion classed as love? If so, then time has stopped and the days aren't revolving around what the hands on the clock are pointing to instead. The days instead are fuelled by the sense of love you get from doing that certain thing. This is something else I’m only realizing now too..

I was teaching English, I was jumping out of bed each morning, I was learning, growing. I was simply in awe of contrasts India was bringing into my world and yet STILL I NEEDED to work on that writing. My visa expired almost forcing me to leave, when really I didn’t want to go. I felt it was too soon. But I had no choice. However, magically and flowingly, I returned to Ireland and what I’d dreamed of doing when I was in India, was now the only thing I could do. It was like the opportunity was presented to me on a silver platter – every ingredient I needed in order to pursue this dream, I was being given! Without intending, my dream became real, when I stepped on the plane from Holland to Ireland on the 7th of August.
Each day I’m feeling that the more I do this, the more certain I am that it was a blessing in disguise: having been ‘forced’ to leave India, for at least 2 months, before being able to re-enter on a new visa. I know that otherwise I’d have stayed, I’d have gone to Nepal, and I’d still be dreaming of that writing. But now, it’s being lived and it’s amazing.

Many people may not understand how such a normal thing, can be all-consuming and how it can make somebody feel so happy, regardless of the surroundings. To be honest, I never would have been able to either. But it’s such a different level of happiness I’m experiencing. I know what I’m doing now, is how my journey was meant to flow. I know that by writing I’ll always have my freedom. I know that when I leave, I’ll be freer than ever before. A deeper journey is what I’m currently undertaking, and I’m putting the illness I was recovering from, into a more important part of myself. I’m reliving many things, as I work on it each day and I’m learning and growing. The exact same as I was doing in India – learning and growing – but through means of something that is nothing to be considered superficial or unworthy of this devotion. So suddenly, so happily and so freely; it all came to me. I feel like the luckiest person in the whole world to have experienced this through the circumstances and the support of my family.

Another blessing for being ‘forced’ to leave India, (I was never actually physically put onto the plane by the police or by the emigration department or anything like that!!) is that ‘pausing in Ireland’ is giving my body a chance to recuperate. Whilst travelling so intensely for those months in India I lost too much weight. Certain foods weren’t agreeing with me, the times at which they would eat weren’t easy on the stomach, nor did the viruses that I picked-up a few time encourage my food-intake to be sufficient or my weight to remain stable. These aspects, along with the general stress and chaos to be experienced each day as well as the heat, made it the ‘perfect’ environment to loose weight. But for me, that wasn’t really the ‘perfect’ thing. I didn’t need to loose any, It actually was vital that I didn’t. But it happened, leaving me with no reserves to fall back on, should I catch a virus of some sort. Taking my past illness into account, the family was worried on my return. All the good I’d done throughout my recovery, was now undone. Or so they felt. But I didn’t. Because good wasn’t undone; not mentally, not emotionally. It is now a mere physical aspect that’s needing to be addressed. And being here in Ireland is therefore another blessing.

I’ve taken the wise decision (if I may say so myself), and with some encouragement from Ma, to take supplement protein drinks. These are the same energy drinks I took throughout my recovery. I’ll be taking them until the middle of October, so I consciously put on weight and gain physical strength for when I feel it’s time to leave (which will be when my writing is as complete as can be!!).
I sometimes can’t believe how life takes these twists and turns. And I know even more now, in my heart, that this ‘pausing in Ireland’ is pure magic. It’s setting me free, it’s showing me more parts of myself that I thought I was already aware of but am now realizing there are even more, and I’m bringing 2 aspects that ARE my life, together. So I continue each moment in this amazing life to do what I feel I must. Simply live my life, as I travel and write!

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