I occasionally wonder why I can struggle to keep my focus here in Ireland, and on what I’m doing. Most mornings I wake up and am so full of beans of what this day will bring me. I get excited about where this road is heading. I cannot see the exact hurdles or the challenges that I’ll be brought to experience along the way. Because it’s unknown. But that’s what makes it exciting I guess. However on other mornings I wake up with ideas as to how I can move as quickly as possible through this process. The process of creation is never to be forced. How can it be? But that’s what I do. Often times I know that the urgency to move, will help me to get things done. Because so easily I could float through each day and trust that I’m doing all I can and let one week roll into the next. It’s too easy and feels like the "lazy-mans-approach". But it can actually be an amazing way to approach life. If I switching-off the urges I have to the force things along, then I'll be letting it all come to a “stop” instead of the simple “pause” I’m currently pressing. I am reminded of my dreams as the impatience and the eagerness to leave, comes on a regular basis. This is so good!
So those urges are what keep me going. They keep on reassuring me everyday, to sit and give at least a little or preferably a lot, to this process of change I’m going through. The process of change, is the writing. To devote a few hours each day requires me to focus on something that’s new. And what is the new thing I‘m focussing on? I’m throwing myself into a world of books, of research, of illness and of emotions. It’s showing me a change in everything. Every moment feels like one I should be learning from. Everyday is one that should be a step towards creating the bigger picture. Each step is what’s needed in order to bring the creation to the hands of those in need. Those who are suffering and who may need guidance.
To call myself a writer, is to be a writer. That’s what I’m doing. And creating is now my life. My life needs to flow, as does my writing. It’s one and the same and that’s the way it is and will be. I tell myself each day that my writing is my freedom. No matter where I place myself on this earth, writing lets me experience any kind of freedom I want.
To attain freedom though, there’s still a need to focus on what’s here. My travelling is being put on pause because of this. Am I sacrificing one dream for the other? Will this dream lead me to experience the other?
The world is full of opportunities. It’s unreal. If I really wanted, I could take the jobs I’ve been offered in India as a teacher. I have the contacts still and they are urging me still to come back. I could go anywhere in the world and teach. It’s all out there. India however, is where I need to return to. But, right now, how could I get up and leave, when I’m smack-bang in the middle of something I knew I always needed to pursue? How can I choose to now suddenly let that go, just to press “play” again and show the world that I’m a free spirit? I could do this. Sometimes it would be far easier for me to pack my bags and leave. If doing this, I'd carry my dream with me. I’d turn-off the tap that is becoming a constant flow of words. Some days the tap only provides a drip, not nearly enough to quench my thirst, other days it provides enough to fill all the glasses that are on display in Ikea.
To speak about the writing so openly, I sometimes wonder if it’s wise. Am I trying to be someone I’m not? Am I jinxing everything by telling people what my priorities in life are, right now? Am I putting extra pressure on myself, by speaking of it? Does this pressure create doubts? Yes it does. But I need to tune-out to the expectations others have from me. This is MY journey. People are interested and I want to share. But that doesn’t mean I have to use their thoughts as a way to swamp myself and as a negative force that will encourage me to go against what I truly need to do in my life, at this moment in time. I can use the expectations of others to drive me along. Because I too expect certain things from myself. And without others around me, I would leave the expected travels to fill my dreams each night.
Travel isn’t just a whim for me any longer. It’s a must. It’s my life. So I am leaving so soon. And this certainty is what keeps me sane. It keeps me focussed, even when I get swamped and am convinced I’m not doing nearly enough to create the life I want. It keeps me focussed when I have the tendency to float through each day. I already have the life I want, because I have my words and so I have my freedom. Wherever I go in the world, the words will flow. This is a simple dream that is becoming a fact through the process I’m now keeping in motion.
So patience is what I need. I can rise to the challenge of keeping my feet on the Irish earth and when I rise to this challenge, I can be as happy and free to be doing what I am each day..