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Thursday, April 12, 2012

Full Exposure

Getting the book out: it’s coming together, with so much patience and focus. Once I was back on my feet, last week Friday, I got stuck-in to editing the book, hopefully, for the last time. For 5 days straight, I was totally absorbed in the story. With every chapter I read, I wondered: will people understand what I mean? Is it clear and accessible to everyone? Or maybe I’m the only one who understands, because I’m the one who wrote it? Doubts were rising hard and fast…

I did put quite a lot of pressure on myself to get this last proof as complete and as perfect as poss. I took my time though… It was so slow going and the doubting didn’t help of course. As I was editing, I realized there’s probably nobody who has ever created something and has considered it as being perfect; especially not if the work is going to be shared with (hopefully) the whole world (I have to keep thinking and believing in big things here!), for the very first time! Anyhow, there will always be things to change and adjustments to make… I figured I could be editing this book for the rest of my life, and still it wouldn’t be ‘perfect’. Either way, I scrutinized my work and kept thinking: the next people who read this will be… PEOPLE (hopefully) EVERYWHERE! Wouw…

I’ve known this all along, of course. And it’s what I wanted; so my dream is becoming a reality, which is quite amazing to experience. But when you don’t see things materializing, it doesn’t feel real. You know things are happening, but you can’t see them yet. This tests the patience and the trust a person has in LIFE itself to work the way it’s meant to, in order for that ‘something’ to become tangible.

At this stage, things are slowly appearing. I’m working on the cover with my cousin Mark (by the way, I didn’t expect the cover to be such a ‘drastic’ decision to make… but holy smoke, trying to choose something that’s personal, yet eye catching AND portraying the right message to the public, is quite huge… but we’re getting there!). I managed to finish the ‘last edits’ too, so things are moving along nicely… BUT then suddenly things become daunting, because things are appearing REAL.

Over the weekend I started fearing being scrutinized and judged for what I’ve written (probably because I was scrutinizing myself...oops!). Also, I thought I'd do a much better job if I were to write it NOW, from my current perspective… But I kept on reminding myself of something someone once told me, about writing and editing: ‘first thought, best thought’ (meaning: don’t come along and change it so much that it becomes something different than what it was meant to be from the start!). So, the contents of the book that was written a year and half ago, has to remain as it is!

I know this is all apart of my own personal journey; learning what comes with writing and getting that particular piece published. And because this story is so personal, I have to see it as a part of me releasing my past, without a doubt in my mind that this will only be for the good of those who pick it up off the shelf. So I have to feel comfortable to share with everyone everything my life has come to stand for and revealing what it was that led me to these revelations holds no shame.

It’s quite crazy the way my own insecurities and issues are coming up, as the process of publishing unfolds. Issues of being rejected by the world try to knock me back; but I have to realize that, if the world doesn’t approve of my story, they’re not rejecting or disapproving of ME as a person… even if this work IS based on my life… I don’t seek for the world to praise or criticize me. I don’t expect for readers to build me up or to break me down, as a result of their opinions. Because I know why I’m being so REAL and exposing myself fully. It’s to help. And by writing and publishing this particular book, I’ll always have a duty towards sufferers of eating disorders. It puts me in the position to express understanding, to relate to their pain and to help. If I do so happen to hold on to these fears of being scrutinized and judged, then I have to face those fears as being signs that I’m not totally comfortable with the full exposure I’ll experience, once this book hits the shelves (and it’s not only about my whole life but that of my family too).

I guess I sometimes fail to realize just how big this is going to be, on a personal level – and hopefully on a professional level too. It’s full exposure and there’s not a secret I hide from anybody anymore. It could change the course of everything, only for the better… No, I won’t say it COULD, but I’ll say it WILL change things for the better. For myself and others. And feeling this deeply, makes the fears subside... Yes!

So, I’m now just gonna put this ‘out there’: I’m wishing for the publication of this book to guide me to where I need to be in the world.

Are there any dates yet, in regards to the launch? Nothing concrete yet. The promotion will be starting around the end of April and, all going well, the launch will be towards the end of May. And until that time comes, I have to acknowledge and savour this process as deeply as I can. Because it’s amazing.

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