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Thursday, April 5, 2012

Exaggerated Bug

Back on the planet, after being elsewhere. My last entry was on my 29th birthday, last Wednesday. After that… hummm… what can I say? I was knocked-back by something I first thought was only a bad headache and some exhaustion. But soon I found it to be a bug that was going to force me to stop everything in life yet keep me running ONLY back and forth to the toilet, continuously, for the following 7 days!

Thursday was torture, Friday even worse. Saturday I couldn’t move from the bed; weak, high temperature, no eating and hardly any drinking, but I was still flushing out my whole system. This was bad enough, but what made the drama worse was the fact that I couldn’t DO anything to distract my mind. I couldn’t read, write, work on the laptop or listen to music. Even watching a dvd was bringing on nausea. I went on a pity rant and, in my mind, my life was such a waste of space and time! Man, just lying there, thinking, thinking, thinking… bringing on the negativity… (usually I’d write myself passed it, or do something to shake it… but I was in no position to do any kind of ‘shaking’ to get passed negativity!)

It’s crazy when you have endless hours of staring at the ceiling. Those hours turn into a full day, then 2, 3… and before you know where you are, you’ve become accustomed to waking-up in the morning and being in… SICK MODE?! Oh NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That wasn’t going to happen to me! Because within 2 days of ‘staring at the ceiling’ I was almost having withdrawals from writing; by Saturday night I was actually narrating pieces of writing in my head. I was dosing-off to sleep and poems were being recited by ‘somebody’ in my mind, they’d make perfect ‘sense’ and I’d want to make notes. But by the time I’d wake-up, the poems had vanished and the pieces of writing I was narrating were forgotten…No!!!!!!!!!!!! So, this was torture for me. But I needed to get me slowly moving again; so the 2 days didn’t turn into 3… and I had to look at it positively: all the bits and pieces of writing my mind was doing without ME actually participating, reminded me of how much I have to put into the new writing I’ve started to focus on over the past month or so.

Of course, when a person is willing to learn, there’s always a lesson in life; whether we’re facing a challenge or whether we’re gliding effortlessly through events that come to pass. Yes, my lesson was this: it’s okay to not be well, and it’s okay to let yourself get better too! Human after all, is all we are. Which means we’re susceptible to all kinds of things that can set us off-track, throw a tiny spanner in the works yet excite our lives as it’s happening.

I must admit though, this is such a typical ‘thing’ for me: such experiences ALWAYS are a lot more intense than they would be if I’d just accept a simple bug as being a ‘thing of life’ that needs to pass through! But oh no… my world nearly crashes down around me! And I literally feel everyone (who is everyone? I really don’t know!) outside the front door expecting me to be ‘out there’ (where? I don’t know!) being high on life, but because if I’m not, the days of my life are being wasted BY ME!!!! I make these tiny things into huge turning points in my life… Quite extreme most would say. And I’d have to agree! Haha… Because most would probably just settle for the fact that they’re temporarily putting their life on pause, as it’s the only thing they can do, in order to recuperate.

I do the opposite: I first try to push it away and carry on with what I’m doing. But I get knocked back. Then I start to give way, and it’s extra painful and feels to intensify. Because at the same time I’m fighting with arising urges telling me to write, even if I’m feeling bad (which would actually fuel the writing with the emotion I’m living through in that very moment of creating it – resulting in bad writing, which is therefore a bad move!). Then negativity starts to enter, because nothing is being done with my life AND because all the non-existing people outside the front door are waiting for me to simply to be full of life and I can’t give them what they want! So my mind is spinning as I lay in ‘stillness’ in the bed – it’s like hitting the pillow after a night of boozing… those good ol’ head spins!

But, but but… no matter how much out of proportion my negative mind will blow the tiny little bug in my stomach, the power of positive thinking THANKFULLY comes to rescue me and I manage to get back on top and I start seeing things clearly. I start to realize my downfalls and I see the hours of recuperating as ones that will help me to properly take stock of what my life is RIGHT NOW, and what I need to focus on.

And the truth of our present day lives is staring us right in the face; it’s in the experiences in front of us. My biggest lesson learned: I was away from the planet of Arklow, of Wicklow, of Ireland, of the world and in my own planet, to realize how I need to be physically sustained, so I can be apart of the planet of Arklow, of Wicklow, of Ireland and of the world.

Today, it’s Thursday I’ve got a great appetite and I feel life inside again. The bug hasn’t totally vanished and the strength hasn’t fully been restored… But the feeling of being on the planet again, is soooo close! Because I’m able to focus, to write, to read and to connect with more people other than this one person who is now writing this and my Mam who is downstairs (bless her wee heart… she looked after me so well!!!!) Yay… Life is so great! Enjoy the sun (whether it’s being hidden by the clouds or not!).

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