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Saturday, May 19, 2012

Explosion of words

Too many words erupted inside of me today and I didn’t know where to start.

Over the past week I’ve had time to be working on the concept for another book. Yes, I’ve been speaking of this since I arrived back in Ireland. But with one thing and another, I wasn’t able to create the right space (in my head). I started and had to stop, twice. Two false starts; third time lucky! So this week I managed to create that space and I’ve restarted what I guess you could call the groundwork. This means of course that I’m a long way from anything concrete. But we all have to start somewhere. And when there’s an urgency to write another book, then it simply has to happen—no matter how hard it can be to create strong foundations.

Since Sunday or Monday the story has been rising to the surface. Or to put it more clearly: I’ve been having strong visions of what it’s to become. It’s changing constantly, of course. Nothing is concrete yet, not until everything I need to share has been put into words and it reaches completion. And today was huge. I could almost feel ALL the words that needed to be written. They all appeared as snippets, ideas and revelations. But that’s tens of thousands! How on earth can I keep track of them all, if I’m only able to write a few thousand a day! This morning, before sitting down to write, I was even nervous. And I found it so strange. But looking back now, I realize why! I anticipated something was going to happen. And that something did happen: those words were rushing through me and made me feel this process to be so delicate but so powerful at the same time. I was terrified they’d all slip away if I didn’t take notes of them all IMMEDIATELY! I needed to hang on to the ideas that were coming at me hard and fast! But man oh man… I couldn’t. I was panicked and nervous and excited and confused…

I had to keep myself contained and accept that I can only do so much at once. I’ve only one pair of hands and my head can only BE in one part of the story at a time! So I just flowed with whatever was coming to me, and haven’t got a clue how all of the snippets, ideas and revelations will eventually be brought together. But that’s the exciting part of it too. I can enjoy this part of the ride and keep the vision clear as it appears in the writing. This is so cool… the story is evolving, it’s moving, it’s flowing…  

I find it brilliant right now. But today I thought, ‘Oh god, now that I’ve started this book, I can’t do anything else in life, other than finish it.’ It’s already starting to live and breathe a life of its own. I’ve been in this position before. I recall the emotions so well, from the time I was writing the first. It’s as if you become possessed by the story that has yet to emerge. How could a person be controlled by something that doesn’t exist already? That’s because the story starts out as being an energy inside, before it’s actually transformed into words. It’s an energy within that can possess and control. I remember the last time to have had episodes where I’d have a block. And because of getting ‘stuck’ in the story and not knowing how to further process, I’d have sleepless nights, I’d feel sick and I feared life would come to a standstill if I’d fail in getting passed that block! It’s as if transforming the energy inside into a story is the only thing that matters in life and therefore life can’t continue until it’s done.

Today I had those flashbacks and I realized that I’ve started something huge again. I had a moment when I thought, ‘Should I really be pursuing this? Should I really have started this?’ Those questions were answered straight away by, ‘Yes’. This is what I have to do now. There’s no going back and I have to see this through to the end.

It’s crazy how we, ourselves, put tasks upon ourselves to complete without actually realizing the extent of what we’re doing. But I don’t need to question, because it was a must that I started it, and now it’s underway. I simply have to let go of the panic that comes when I can’t keep up with myself. Maybe this is the best sign I could be given; it’s telling me the story really IS in there and really DOES need to appear on the computer screen…slowly but surely. I just have to practice patience and as time passes, the story will appear.

As far as the story of Digesting Wisdom goes, things are moving along as they should. The last bits and pieces are being put together at the editors and hopefully June will see it ready for worldly attention! There aren’t any dates as of yet. But I’ll be sure to keep you posted. Until next time, I’ll continue to write, to yoga, to walk and to love love love this journey!     

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