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Monday, November 19, 2012

The tears and joys of writing

I never realized, or at least I’d forgotten, how relieving it can be to release an emotional blockage that’s been stuck for so long. 

This week, I’ve been working through a writer’s block. And holy smoke, I never realized how much it was holding me back and weighing me down. But, at the same time, I never realized how hard I’d have to work to get passed it. At the beginning of August I closed the concept of the second book I’d started working on. 3 months passed by and I was unable to go near it. I’d lost the mojo, lost focus, was totally distracted but still knew that working passed that block was one of the main things I needed to do. It was the main thing that brought me to this cottage… so I couldn’t cop out when the going got tough.

Throughout the past 10 days, the going got seriously tough. I’ve been emotional, stuck, trying to restart the book, lost and searching the kitchen cupboards for answers. Well, Niamh, you aint gonna find the answers in the presses are ya! Nope! The only thing that told me was that I was deeply dissatisfied with myself due to holding myself back, when I know full well, with all my heart, that I’m more than capable to see this book through! And finally… last weekend it happened. I opened it up again, I took it slowly though. 1 day at a time, gently gently. I started going over what I wrote all those months ago and was totally shocked, surprised and massively motivated by what I came across! 

During this past week it was taking up momentum. Most mornings, I’d be up at 6am, skip morning meditation, but instead dive straight into the laptop… meaning a whole days work would be done by 10.30am! Yay! This morning, Sunday, same thing. And I totally cracked it today. Today I overcame the sorest spot of the book so far, the spot that’s been lingering and loitering in my mind for past 3 whole months! And today I broke FREE!!!! Oh my god… There’s nothing more clearing, more liberating or exhilarating than that. Really… and I’m not even exaggerating.

The whole book has opened up now and with that I’m able to face my whole personal world in the face! My past, my present, my future! Why was it so excruciating to get through to this point though? Because I realized today, due to writing about my experiences, there’s huge emotional attachment to ‘things’ that haven’t been dealt with in the way I’m accustomed to. With a block, instead of clearing and cleansing and freeing myself, I’m letting things fester away, weighing heavy on my heart and blocking my visions as to how things can flow forward. Wouw… it amazes me, everytime, just how delicate this process is.

The place I’m at has made this possible; it’s just me, alone… living in the most perfect place of peace… Yes, so peaceful. But it was only once I realized how peaceful this setting is, just how little at peace I myself was at. There was little of the tranquillity I was seeing around me, to be seen within me. Then it became obvious just how my mind was letting my fears drown out that silence and blind me to this beautiful place. Having nowhere to run to, this situation has made me sit it out, it’s made me face this emotional block and work through it. And today was the biggest break I’ve had. Amazing!

I’m open now to seeing that I have to be writing this book for myself. Yes, of course I’ll eventually try and hope to get it published. But at this moment, it’s more for me to make peace with this path. And in that sense, I’m free to let it flow the way I want it to. Suddenly expectations cease to exist and boundaries fall away as to how far I can go. There’s no pressure as to how fast I must ‘produce’. It’s simply me, seeing what I’m made of as a writer, tapping in to what I’ve so far come to learn and to maybe astound myself in how I bring it together. So exciting… and I’m MORE than blessed for this experience. 

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