Writer's block

The start of a new day, with fresh thoughts and a clear mind - Yesterday I had a writer’s block. I hate to label it as being such. But I felt clogged when it came to writing. I sat behind the laptop, wanting to update. But I sat and I sat… and nothing happened. I waited. I waited.  Nothing. I then asked myself, ‘What do I want to say?’  So much and so little! Because that’s what’s happening in my life. As an insider, there are huge things happening. But to an outsider it would appear that nothing really is going on. Because most days I’m at home, either working on the computer, doing yoga, journaling, writing emails, reading books or being a bit crafty with paint and canvases. To get out of the house and to connect with the surrounding world, I go for walks and always end up in the local coffee shop for hours so I can sit and write in a different environment. This is such a seemingly boring and mundane existence?!?… Nothing to write about… hummmm…..

Viewing myself from the outside makes me believe I’ve nothing to say; I’m not gallivanting the world; I’m not having huge adventures; I’m not meeting hoards of people from all walks of life. And because this once was the case, a part of myself is convinced there couldn’t be anything to share with others. Physical wonders of the world aren’t being experienced, so why would I even write AT ALL? LIES LIES LIES!!!!

So then I view myself from the inside I ask, ‘How far do I want to go, when sharing and writing openly about what goes on in my own little world that can APPEAR so simple, so boring and so mundane to those who witness me every day, yet is actually more amazing, revealing and exciting than it’s ever been? How far should I go in expressing what happens in my own happy little world? Answer: As far as I wish!

I realize that I DO always have something I’m willing to share and write about. And whether or not the reader is interested… that’s none of my business. As long as I’m not hurting anybody then I’m free to express anything I want. Everyone is given the freedom of choice to read what they like, just as everyone is given the freedom to create what they feel inspired to create. People then can form an opinion based on what they class as being good or bad, right or wrong. The one who’s expressed themselves, has to accept that opinions differ and—in that acceptance—NOT be guided by those opinions or filled with fears for whatever judgement should so happen to come their way.

 

What I’m saying here is actually related to certain things I’ve been dealing with over the past weeks, when it comes to self-expression and creating what I want. On and off, as I’ve been trying to get into the swing of writing another book, I’ve been inclined to hold back on what I want to say (or actually WRITE). I’d be envisioning friends and family members to be judging me for what I’d bring to light. It stops me. It clogs me and confuses me to the max. I know I’m trying to fill in their thoughts, which is impossible to do. I’m presuming they’ll say this or that, or act in this or that way… (Presuming ANYTHING in life, is trying to predict and this will always set us up for a downfall. Knowing this little ‘fact’ doesn’t always stop the mind from playing the games it wishes to play. However, WE have to be on top and step in when the mind overpowers… which is what I’m doing now!)

So… PRESUMING what others will think, say, do and feel towards me, stops me from expressing what I want, as I’m writing. I’m steering clear from certain notions, feelings and insights, for fear of what others will say. It’s a block in my mind, created by my own mind, as a result of giving more importance to what others would think and say about me, rather than giving myself more importance by expressing and living in a manner that feels limitless.

It all comes down to this: We have to be in control of OUR OWN LIVES, regardless of what family and friends may say or how they might reject us for what we’re doing. This doesn’t mean we don’t love them less, it just means we love ourselves and HOW we’re living just as much (if not MORE, as this enables us to give to those we love and care for, without ever leaving ourselves empty...) Standing tall and being real in how we wish to live and what we wish to do, takes courage. Hummmm…..But isn’t courage used so we can move BEYOND things we THINK will hurt us?!?! And if that’s the case, then courage ISN’T needed! Not when the actions a person takes—no matter how different they may be from what most people class as ‘normal’—are with the intention of ONLY doing good for ALL. Nothing bad will ever from doing something good… So nothing should ever be feared and courage shouldn’t really be needed in order to be REAL and TRUE!

I’m getting to the conclusion now: I shouldn’t have any of these barriers in my mind. I shouldn’t limit myself when I’m either blogging or writing another book. Every single barrier is based on a lie and it wishes to withhold what it is I need to bring forward. Yes. That’s exactly it! 

I’ve come so far and have reached a place in this physical world where ALL I’VE EVER DREAMED OF DOING, is ABLE to happen. I was in India dreaming of having my days being filled with expressive writing (but they were THEN filled with teaching and I felt limited). I was dreaming of going as deeply into my own world as I pleased, without limits and ONLY to do good for ALL involved (both the writer and the reader).

It’s the 10^th of May and it’s ALL right here, right now… I have to rid myself of these barriers that try to stop me from living freely. I may not be moving physically, but free living is in self-expression—no matter how often we pack our bags and leave a place behind. IF AND WHEN I let myself write without limits, then I’m free. If I’m not doing so, the prison walls will be felt and they’ll convince me I have to leave my physical place in the world, in order to search elsewhere for freedom. I guess I’m truly feeling that I need to be writing ANYWHERE in this world… because then I’m FREE TO BE EVERYWHERE IN THIS WORLD. So I write for the sake of my freedom; without feeling judged by others or myself; without feeling I’m running, hiding, escaping, fearing or limiting myself in any way, shape or form… It’s so easy to put it in writing… now let’s see how it goes putting it into practise…

PS When it’s time to leave Ireland, it’s not going to be for the sake of searching the world for free  living; my spirit can only experience true flight if it’s being expressive – through writing. Only THEN can I truly feel that I’ll be travelling the world IN freedom and not FOR freedom.

The Art of Patience continues...

So I’ve happily let go of questioning. I’m at peace with the book and I’m grateful that the questioning has shown me just how much I’m moving with the change and flow of life. And that’s how it’s meant to be. I’m meant to be changing. I’m meant to be growing, and I’m meant to gain understanding for the fact that change is necessary in order to set this story free.

I’ve been carrying this story for so long. Sometimes it feels I’ve carried it my whole life… Which, from a certain perspective, I guess I have. The desire to write and to publish, I’ve been carrying for the past 3 years. And the actual written version I’ve been holding to, for a year-and-a-half. I literally travelled with it when I went to China (I had the printed manuscript weighing 2 kilos in my backpack, throughout that entire time!) I then travelled with it to India… The actual printed script was then too heavy, so I left it behind in Jayanthi’s house in Chennai (back in October). No doubt it’s still there in drawer of the desk in her study, sitting in its folder... I had the digital versions and the back-ups on my laptop, which I figured was enough to carry… and the longing – that was slowly turning into desperation – was enough weight to move along with me.

I was waiting for the ‘perfect’ place, person, time and situation to come along so as I could hand over what I’d been carrying. And handing it to just one person, Lorraine, (by attaching the script to an email, from behind the computer in the staffroom of a south Indian school) was all that was needed for it to eventually be handed over to any unlimited amount of readers. That to me, felt like the perfect time, place and person and it’s now leading to the perfect results, as time passes by. And, as we speak - or as I sit and type - the real life story is being let go of. With letting-go I’m transforming the energy into a force that will empower and enrich and open-up more opportunities for the good of anybody who is willing to receive.

So why would I place such expectations and deadlines on myself JUST for the sake of materializing the publication as quickly as is humanly possible? If it’s going to happen either way, there’s no point in giving the will of my strong mind the power to force things into BEING. But by now releasing that kind of control, I’m sinking into the flow. I know it will happen. Also, I’ve come so far and I’ve worked so hard these past months (I include ridding myself of bugs and the like, as apart of ‘work’ too ;)) that nothing will steer me away. And I can only be grateful to be here in Ireland and to have this time to work on setting this story free in a manner that’s flowing (for as long as my mind doesn’t start freaking me out that I’m doing too little and taking too much time to do such nothingness!).

When I look back on how March and April have unfolded, I’ve learned so much, both throughout those months as well as on reflection. And seeing the way things planned out differently, I’m understanding the power that sits within total PRESENT LIVING. I have to, I wish to and therefore I do. Because truth be known; I don’t know what I’m doing next month or next week even. I don’t know how, when or what it will be that’s going to take place. I don’t know the people I’ll reach. I don’t know if I’ll have time to absorb myself in writing another book. I don’t know if I’ll be leaving… I know nothing! All I know is that everything will revolve around writing. It will firstly ALL revolve around Digesting Wisdom… And from there… who knows. This is actually ALL that I need to be certain of! Because then nothing can go ‘wrong’.

I feel strongly that every week will bring changes into my life. Changes those around me may or may not be aware of, but changes that I most definitely will be undergoing. So I take each day as it comes. And it’s letting me appreciate LIFE so much more. It’s really quite amazing – as well as challenging (when that strong-willed-mind will try to control LIFE instead of letting IT be controlled BY life… which is the only true way to be happy, balanced and at ease in the world).

This is how it’s flowing. But people around me need to hear dates, and need to see that it’s working. And the only thing that will prove to them that it’s working, is to see THE ACTUAL BOOK IN PRINTFORM. And, I can safely tell everyone right now, that it doesn’t happen overnight! People will ask, ‘Niamh, when is the promotion work starting?’ I’ll answer, ‘I don’t know yet… sometime in May.’ Then it’s, ‘Niamh, when is the book going to the printers?’ I’ll answer, ‘I don’t know yet… maybe in the next 2 weeks.’ Or the next will ask, ‘Niamh, when is the date of the BOOK LAUNCH?’ Then I’ll focus on the power of certainty that things will work when and how they’re meant to and I’ll answer, ‘when it’s time…’

So… the whole MATERIALIZATION will take place when it’s meant to. Yes. I live in this very moment. I intend for so much and I envision huge changes to continuously be taking place in my life. But, I stay focused on this moment and I learn as much as I can. That’s the only way I’ll move forward in the direction that’s intended. I believe that when there’s a spirit that needs elevation in every moment, then the circumstances they find themselves to be in will NEVER stay the same.

The Art of Patience

The 1^st of May. Where has April flown away to? Who can say! But it’s gone by. And what had I hoped to achieve by this point in time, a few months ago when I was thinking ahead of how this period would unfold? I had huge visions. In February I’d expected that by May I’d be in the flow of my next book as well as promoting this current book (I’m actually going to start using its name from here on in…). And so I’d also hoped Digesting Wisdom would be at the printers… J

Now, these are all things I’d expected myself to have ACHIEVED by around the end of April. I’d expected I’d have something to SHOW for the months I’ve so far spent in Ireland. But, because I don’t or can’t SHOW anything for March and April, it’s like they never happened. This urgency I have to SHOW what I’ve done is a result of self-imposed pressure and deadlines that really don’t exist anywhere in the world. Nobody outside of myself has placed these pressures or expectations on me. The pressure to perform isn’t even coming from my publisher! (She’s actually quite amazing in that SHE encourages me to relax into the journey and savour the moment, without any kind of force!) So it’s all coming from the inside. To see this, is such a learning curve; on a personal level as well as a professional. The course a book must follow before it reaches the shelves is quite a route! And the one the writer themselves is taken on, is also quite revealing. The most significant lesson I’m learning though, is the lesson of patience.

So, can I see why the results I wished to have achieved by this moment in time, haven’t yet materialized? It’s a result of having overlooked a few things (in the publishing world) as well as the health being knocked back on several occasions (which is of course ME being knocked back – for around 3 full weeks, on and off.) These knock-backs stopped me in my tracks and totally unbalanced LIFE. But they were the sign I needed to wake me up so as to realize that my physical body needs to receive just as much attention and devotion as every other level of myself is constantly receiving.  

The things I’d overlooked in publishing, were things I hadn’t imagined to take up so much time, focus and dedication. Editing the book being the main thing… I’ve had 3 ‘deep’ goes at it now, since March. The first time took me 3 or 4 days. The second took me around 7 days. And this last go, has taken me 14 whole days!!!!!!!!!!

Yes… I’m going to be honest and say that it’s been painful to do this last editing work. These last 2 weeks (weekends included) have sucked me dry almost. I was reliving the story, so deeply. Every sentence I’ve checked for grammar and punctuation AS WELL as clarity and flow. I’ve been trying to read the script through the eyes of an editor as well as through the eyes of the READER – in the hope that the one who’s holding the book can flow with the story from sentence to sentence, and STILL ‘get what’s being told’. Man, it was deep and painful! It was emotional and it started wrecking my head to think that somebody had lived through this story. Who was that person?!?!?!

That person is now an unrecognized individual who is NOWHERE to be found here in the world… But hang on… that somebody was/is actually ME! I started questioning the origins of the story, the origins of the words… I was finding it hard to grasp how the story had come into existence, because the one who lived out those events and experiences doesn’t feel to be real anymore. It’s not me. Nobody will ever meet that person again… They’ll only meet what a person has become as a result of those experiences. It’s quite fascinating - once you get passed the head wreck…

Fascination came after I’d posed these questions, ‘Why is a certain sentence like this and NOT like that and why did I choose - whilst writing this book a year-and-a-half ago – for it to be so!?’ Amazement came with this click: writing is created in the moment of inspiration. Inspiration comes from the spirit (even the WORD ‘inspiration’ derives from the WORD ‘spirit’). So spirit wrote this book. And who I am to question spirit?! Who I am to push for a definition? We can’t define spirit! We can’t see it, we can’t label it, we can’t judge it, we can’t question it. We can only feel it and experience it for ourselves. The individual chooses to express their own experiences with spirit, in whatever way they wish. That expression becomes a creation and it’s never wrong… And because of where it originates from – the spirit – it shouldn’t be judged or questioned and ONLY respected for the creative expression and materialized inspiration it has become. So: just as we can’t question spirit, we can’t question creation.

Relating this new little ‘click’ to what I’ve been going through the past weeks: when I was writing the book I was expressing my experiences with spirit, in that instance. I therefore need, and already AM, respecting the original state of the book, the original creation – as it origins are spirit alone. And therefore never to be questioned for their righteousness.