Flowing to and through KL

I woke up this morning, in Kuala Lumpur. I got here yesterday evening, after an 8 hour flight from the Gold Coast. I didn’t have a place to stay, as I wasn’t too bothered with pre booking something. But once I eventually found somewhere to stay, after an hour of traipsing around China Town, I met an English girl, who I went and had dinner with. It was so nice to have some company. But all evening, she spoke only about herself and her travels: 3 whole hours!! (I feel bad in saying this, because other than that, she was a lovely girl, but still..). So I sat and listened and listened and ate and listened and ate some more. For those hours I totally forgot what I was actually in the middle of doing and what brought me to be sitting there listening to her telling me how drunk she had gotten and how many men she had been with. Hummm. She definitely got my mind away from all that I would have otherwise been thinking about, which I guess is what I needed.

But everything had been going great and I was feeling so confident in what I was doing. There was no panic. I was chilled-out and relaxed. I didn’t start to feel in doubt or panic, until I got back to the hostel, checked my emails. I read an email that really struck a cord. Too much. It was the wrong time for me to have opened it. I was too tired, I wasn’t able to deal with it and so I should have left it alone. But I didn’t. And when I read the email, which said that I seemed doubtful about what I was doing, I panicked. I thought to myself: Oh no.. if I’ve been coming across as doubting this step that I’m taking and therefore not sure about what I’m doing and so lacking in confidence, then what on earth is going to come of me when I get to India? I started thinking that to have doubts, was to not be able to deal with what’s ahead. I felt weak because of this. I felt I suddenly had to explain myself. I felt I had to now convince people that I’m not doubting going to India and that I’m strong enough to deal with this. So I started rethinking my mannerism and retracing my feelings from the point of leaving Caboolture to arriving in Kuala Lumpur.

I realized that I had been feeling strong within myself. I had put my reason for coming across as doubtful, down to the risk that's involved. So for me to express to the world, or in a telephone conversation, how excited I am or how sure I am that this is the right thing I’m doing, seems to be setting myself up for nasty fall, if this doesn’t work out. There are parts of me that doesn’t want to be too “airy-fairy” about living out a dream in the real world, because the reality can feel so different than what we had hoped it would be in our hearts. To have a realistic approach when living a dream, always makes those encounters or situations that come your way which are less “dreamlike” and therefore difficult challenges - that are always possible to overcome, no matter how hard - easier to handle. A realistic approach in my mind makes the dream in my heart more precious. It makes everything beautiful and all that happens becomes a massive plus. So expect nothing and everything will be a bonus, if beauty is all we choose to see.

I can’t be sure about everything, and I don’t want to be sure about everything. I’m not going to dwell on the doubts, such as work and finances. That’s actually as far as the list goes! But I’m going to take all that I can from the certainties I do have. I can be sure that this step was going to happen sooner or later and therefore is simply something I must do. I can be sure that I’ll feel if I want to make it work. And once I want to make something work, no matter the effort it takes, I know I will. I’m sure that I couldn’t be in a better place with in myself, to handle this. I’m also 100% sure that I’ll rise to whatever challenge I may encounter.

All these certainties I couldn’t feel last night. Even though, as I relived my day, whilst lying in this hot and dirty hostel in Chinatown with the fan zooming all night and with noises surrounding me that were gross enough to turn my stomach, everything really has felt so good and there wasn’t, at any point, the fear that I was doing something wrong. Everything was flowing. Until last night. It all stopped. I wanted the home front to know that I was sure about as many things as I was able to be sure about, in this uncertain world we live in. For me to feel the need to convince others and to maybe even seek their approval through justification, felt suddenly to go against all that I’ve taught myself: which is to NOT convince others, because I know myself inside and out. It was quite the opposite than what I wanted to do last night, in my moments of despair.

Eventually I got to sleep and had amazing dreams. It was so nice! I was so sure of everything. I then woke up and felt so excited! I had butterflies! This was the day! It was only 5am and I had only slept 4 hours. But I didn’t care. I wanted to start the day! And all the things that were playing on my mind before going to sleep last night, had vanished. I didn’t feel I needed to let everyone know that I’m okay. Because I know that I am. This post this morning, was needed for myself, to put last night into perspective. And I have. I was actually able to laugh at myself for reacting so foolishly to something that was said in an email that was meant with so much good intention. It’s amazing how sleep can clear the mind!! The world was, and always will be, such a bright place.

So, with or without doubts. With or without certainty. Everything will unfold as it’s supposed to. It’s going to be amazing, whatever the outcome!

Replaying the tale

As I’ve been winding down this trip since staying in Caboolture, each day was so inspiring and I learnt something more about my trip and about myself and about life in general. I knew I was ready to move on but at the same time I knew my time was running out. Therefore I was trying to distance myself from this Australian world but also I was trying to savour each day and all that it was giving me. So there was a “tug of war” going on: the pushing, or rejecting, was to gear myself up for the next step and pulling, or embracing, was to suck as much goodness out of the richness of my surroundings and the peaceful environment I found myself in. This was a perfect balance to create my own reality that is stable at all times. The combination or the sum that comes from this “tug of war” has made me as prepared as possible for this change. And now it’s starting.

When I get to where I’m going, I’ll once again look at myself and I‘ll see myself from 2 particular stages: I’ll be in the place I set out from 9 months ago and I’ll be in the place where I‘ll have landed myself. This will show me the route that’s been taken, and Australia will be highlighted along the journey as the country that gave me an incredible amount, of everything. Adventure, culture, love, friendship, knowledge of nature and environment, spirituality. It gave me an appreciation for this country that is even stronger than I first had, 3 years ago. It gave me an understanding for the reason why people sometimes don’t “see” the world as being one with incredible opportunities but instead they “see” the world as being one full of danger and fear that causes them to not properly “see”. It gave me the drive and the urge to go to further countries where an appreciation for where I am can ALWAYS be felt and not just when the day that it’s time to leave. It gave me clarity in seeing that, no matter where I am, putting myself first and staying true to my own needs, will always support me and serve me in everything I do.

Australia has been so many different things me: the stepping stone, the trampoline, the starting blocks, the runway. Ireland holds my water, my essence, my ground, my roots. Ireland is where my foundations are on which Australia has started to build. Ireland is where my seed has been sown and Australia has been the stem that will now make it possible for me to blossom. It has been the much needed warm-up that has gotten my heart racing, in order to avoid any injury. This is an endless list when describing what this country means to me.

My general view of this country, which can be felt by anybody who is open to it, is one like this: It’s a place that offers freedom in the western - often suppressed - society where people are being invaded, possessed, steered and restricted by the speed and chaos of the world. The distance that lies geographically between them and the rest of the western world, makes one not too prone to the influences that are put upon us. In certain parts and on certain levels society will try to invade, possess and steer their people, especially as they look at the far busier and similarly other rich worlds that aren’t within close proximity. They will try and follow suite. But not everyone in this vast country has to. Because of the simple reason: it’s a VAST country. People can escape and be free. People can reject that poison of consumerism, materialism, possession. They can control their own lives instead of society controlling it for them, if they so choose. Freedom on whatever level a person wants, can be experienced. A taste of this can only tease you and make you beg for more. And when that happens and you know you can have that else where, then you can be sure it’s time to blossom, to branch out, to go to higher grounds.

Having this view of Australia, not only supports but maybe sums up my reasons for feeling blessed by these perfect 9 months. So, as I’m signing off, the tale here is done for now. The world awaits my presence as there are still many more lessons to be learnt, experiences to be lived and fairytales to be written.

A Subconscious Goodbye

Today, still Friday, I could see it all so clearly. As I tried to remain stress-free and push all the bad thoughts, of things that could go wrong, to the back of my mind and so to be able to deal with whatever was to come my way in a calm and confident manner, I was able to see how the different parts of this chapter had gelled together so perfectly, to create all that I’m able to be doing at this moment in time. All it gave me has been, and still is, supporting what I’m aiming for. I’ve come full-circle, unintentionally. I started in Caboolture, I’m ending in Caboolture. Everything almost too perfect for words. This amazing Australia. I was here today, but I’d be gone tomorrow.

Hang on a minute! That doesn’t make sense what I just said: I WAS here TODAY? Doesn’t that mean, as I sit here in Oz and write this, that I’m already living in my future? I just used the past tense of the verb “to be” to describe what I’m doing right now! That’s not really living in the moment, is it Niamh? No, it’s not. But it confirms so strongly what I just stated: I feel like I’ve already said goodbye. There it is. I have. My mind has already left.. Today I was here in body, but not in mind. And my spirit? This was somewhere in between my body and mind. At certain moments in my body, as I perceived the world and my surroundings and at other moments in mind, as I prepared myself mentally for the new chapter that’s about to start. And that’s why I felt so strange.. all day long!! Yes! That’s it!

So I felt like I wasn’t totally a part of this world anymore, this Australian world. Everything was happening around me and I had to instruct myself almost to keep my brain in action, just to get myself from A to B - which could have given home the impression that I was feeling low or doubtful when I rang them on the phone! But I wasn’t able to engage too much in anything. I just stood back and observed the world that I would so soon be leaving behind. It was almost a video clip. And I was making the movie. All day long, I was the outsider looking in. And so many little things I was seeing. Things that usually wouldn’t be seen, because they would be so normal. Today, they weren’t normal anymore.

This is the movie being replayed: I sat in the doctors waiting room to pick up a prescription. A woman walked past with an envelope in her hand, that had massive letters on it saying: “State of Queensland”. Then, as I sat on the train I was seeing the school kids everywhere. Little Australian children, all in those typical Ozzie uniforms with those cute little hats and with that gorgeous accent that sounds 10 times nicer when coming from a child. As I later walked around Brisbane there were young Australian teenage girls everywhere, all so beautiful, all so similar, all so ”typical” Australian. The chain stores or shops that are only known to Ozzie land , were suddenly everywhere, like “The Cheesecake Shop”. Also the houses were drawing my attention; those houses I love so much: Australian bungalow type houses or “little house on the prairie” type houses . It was like I was seeing everything for the first time again. Was it a new appreciation because I was leaving? Or was it me trying to savour everything that Australia is? Was I comparing it to European countries, just so I would be aware of where I was, as my days or even my hours here were numbered? Why was this happening? It was most probably was a combination of all these questions.
Follow-up to come..