It’s Monday the 2nd of May. It’s 7 days since I moved into my new apartment. Also it’s May holiday: a time for most of Jinzhou to travel. We have 4 days off from work; Saturday (the 30th) through till Tuesday (the 3rd). Everybody from work is out of town. Most have gone to Beijing (which is only 3 hours by train from Jinzhou). And what am I doing? I’m in my new apartment, all on my tod…
These have been strange days, since moving away from Manhattan. We had a shorter week at work, with the 2 busiest days off. For weeks, I was trying to plan a trip and get out of Jinzhou during these 4 days off. I wanted to see something different, and most of all, I wanted to experience a train journey through China. But I realized the only way I’d be able to take a trip, was by going with someone from work, or with some of the Chinese staff.
It sounds so easy, to jump on a train in China by yourself in this remote part of the country where English is so alien… But really, it’s next to impossible if you haven’t got enough Chinese… The simple little things are made into massive obstacles, when travelling: train times, destinations, the right tickets, finding the platforms… and that’s not even THINKING about finding a place to stay for the night! All these seemingly self-explanatory things aren’t so self-explanatory when it comes to travelling from Jinzhou onwards. It would be a different story if I were to be living in Beijing, or any of the other bigger cities where tourists flock and where English is on the rise. But here, it’s not the case.
So… taking into account just how much preparation I’d have to put into taking a trip out of town by myself, that would only last for 2 days, I reconsidered my options. Did I want to go with my old roommates to the rock festival in Beijing? No. I’d loved to have gone to Beijing, but not for that purpose and not for 4 full days (which is how long their trip is going to be) and not with the one individual who I’m having trouble being around at the moment. The fact that I’ve only just moved out of my old apartment and that I’m in desperate need of some me-time, just to regain my sanity after all the commotion of the past 2 weeks, was probably the main reason I chose to stay put in Jinzhou… And I know my time will come to travel further afield, it’s just not right now…
At first I felt like an unsociable and boring bunny for not going along with the others, or not even trying to get out of town by myself. But so much has been going on and the weekends are soooooooooo short that I’ve had no time whatsoever to do any of the things that I want and need to do, without having to explain myself to others or without being distracted by what those around me are doing. Also, this distraction made work all the more difficult. I had no peace and more and more, at school, I was having days where the pressure of the teaching and everything surrounding the teaching, would get so intense that I literally felt like I was losing a hold of reality.
I’ve been journaling my heart out, but it’s all mainly been in aid of staying on top of life. It’s where my extra energy and time was going… And blogging hasn’t been my focus at all, hence my ‘long’ silence. I wasn’t even able to properly think about the book…
So, staying on top of the job, planning lessons and dealing the pressure work has been putting on me, was proving somewhat to be a challenge. I realized at work, they were putting more on me than they were putting on the others. For 3 weeks running, they were giving me extra hours to do so-called ‘activities’. These aren’t normal lessons. How best to describe an activity? You know the kids tv shows where there are presenters who are happy, bubbly, bouncy and teaching the kids things in a playful manner and who do lots of song, dance and games? Well, this is what an activity boils down to. During the activities I’d have an audience too and the ‘positions of authority’ within the company would be there observing me. I was ‘summoned’ with extra activities back-to-back for 3 weeks, along with my normal lessons. At first I didn’t mind, I actually loved it. Doing these activities brought out a different side of me, I got to plan my own approach and those who mattered within the company were supportive. But, after 3 weeks, I nearly cracked. The pressure that came along with the activities was getting too much. I was hardly able to stay on top of what they were expecting me to achieve, or maybe, what I was expecting myself to achieve.
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