One morning I came into work (a week and a half ago) only to see on the schedule that they had - once again - given me too heavy a load. And I seriously nearly cracked. For the first time in my life, I actually stood up for myself, in terms of the workload I’d been given. It was only the start of the week and I was exhausted already.
It was during our weekly meeting and I didn’t plan to speak up, but it just happened. Without warning, I said as politely as possible (with probably some desperation in my voice) for them to give more notice when bombarding us with such loads and to follow through what they said they were going to do (which was releasing me the activities I’d been ‘sentenced’ to do). I told the ‘leading lady’ if the pressure gets too much, I’ll crack and I seriously can’t work like this…
Now… this ‘leading lady’ is Chinese… So, do I truly think that my little outburst hit home? Would she have understood what I meant? The chances are ever so slim… The other foreign teachers understood me completely, but anybody who is Chinese, wouldn’t get me at all! Why? Because in China the employees don’t ‘crack’ under pressure! They don’t complain about the load, as it’s a sign of failing. In China, the one who can bear the most weight and do the most whilst being under the most amount of pressure, wins. Here things are viewed as being a competition…. It’s all about performance, performance, performance. Apparently they believe it shows status, strength and achievement. This is also very much imbedded into the educational system too. But that’s a different topic altogether…
So, back to my little outburst. Even though the ‘leading lady’ is able to speak fluent English, my words were probably sounding alien to her. But, I didn’t care. At that moment, I knew I had to speak up. I had to say something before it got too much. Afterwards, I spoke with the foreign teachers and they told me of the differences in Chinese and Western work ethics. But I found it hard to fully engage in this competitive approach to the workload. I didn’t want teaching and lesson planning to become a competition… In that moment I was more concerned about ME and my health. Regardless of what this country believes is right or wrong, in terms of achievement and strength, what I believe to be right or wrong, was (and still is) FAR MORE IMPORTANT. I wasn’t going to suck it up, just to be approved of… Back in the west, they know of the term burn-out. Here it’s unheard of. And on that particular day, the only thing I cared about was my own sanity, because I felt to be losing it. I was then shocked by my level of exhaustion and my inability to deal with what was on the horizon (or the weekly schedule)…
This incident did prove to be what I needed. It forced me to stand in my own truth, instead of the one that’s surrounding me… which is Chinese truth. Okay, I do realize that to teach in foreign countries, we need to be flexible and adjust to their ways… But, when it puts our own selves and our health in jeopardy, then it’s up to us to speak up and to not feel like we’re failing, just for admitting that it’s too much and we’re struggling.
I guess, over the past 3 weeks, they were pushing me more than they had been pushing the other teachers. And the fact that I’m still relatively new and still getting in to the rhythm of planning lessons and giving the classes (which I’ve heard can take up to 3 months for every new teacher), made it all the more intense. The other foreign teachers would never have sucked it up either.
The company was probably testing my limits… seeing how far they could push me… Because, this is how I came across: Niamh will say ‘yes’ to everything, she’ll do it all and do a better job than most. This may be the case, but I can honestly say that pushing me too far will seriously lead me to stop functioning – either for lack of mental clarity or for physical ‘drainage’. And when I reach that point and if they choose to ignore the request I put in to release the load, then I don’t care what’s required or expected of me. Because, in that moment, my own physical and mental self will take the upper hand and I won’t stand for nothing. I’ll walk. It’s as simple as that…
Did my outburst help? It sure did, because now they’ve lightened my load and they’ve been more appreciative of my efforts. My words must have been heard! Yes yes yes! From next week onwards the activities are less… Thankfully! My main focus will be where it ought to be: on the teaching! It’s amazing what a little bit of appreciation and recognition of their behalf can do… Now, I can happily continue to do the best I can and I’ll enjoy it all the more…
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