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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Standing strong

Since the launch, things have been happening at lightning speed. I can’t believe how much everything has changed. I knew this was going to happen of course. But if the change brings you into an area in life that has, up until this point in time, been unexplored and unknown then it’s pretty difficult to estimate how the changes will be experienced. So… here I sit, on the sofa in my Mam’s place in Arklow, to breathe and witness the movement that’s ongoing.

The whole of August flew by. The first week I ran to my aunt’s place in Kildare to get some writing space, I came back to get the last things for the launch prepared and 5 days later I eloped to Ennis (the west of Ireland) for nearly 2 weeks to sit little a Buddha and withdraw myself from this world. I never really had time to process that whole experience or to get ‘over it’ gradually, which I knew would be the case. So it’s all well and good… I've not a single regret to have 'eloped' to the meditation course, because without it I’d not be managing to keep myself grounded and focussed. As soon as silence broke, it was time to open up to the world good and proper; within 3 days I was speaking to 1000s on the radio! That really WAS going from one extreme to the other! 2 days after the radio interview, I had an interview with the local paper (today the interview was featured in the Wicklow People!) and a few hours later I was standing in front of my nearest and dearest to set my little project free. It’s no wonder that when I sat down on Friday afternoon I was almost zombified… but satisfied… ooooohhhhh so satisfied and more content than anyone could ever imagine.

Saturday I was overwhelmed by the responses that came through email and Facebook. Wouw… It was the strangest thing to find that people were contacting me, people I’ve known for years but not been in touch with. I never expected anything like that at all! That was a huge day… and a burst of life came out of nowhere… But Sunday, again, I was zombified and slept for Ireland… a very rare treat!

Ever since, I’ve been going through these moods and moments of thinking ‘Oh my god, it’s actually happening’. Slowly people will be recognizing me, feeling inspired by my story, connecting with me through my writing and seeing me as an example or a representation of what can come of a life if someone gets through a very tough time. This is so new to me… I’ve only ever dreamed of being recognized as a writer with substance. Now it’s no longer a vision in my mind, but a reality on every level…

There they stand: a writer and a reader of the book. The writer has poured their heart and soul into a piece of work, but doesn’t feel it’s anything huge. The reader stands in front of the writer who is starting to share their deepest darkest fear with the world. There’s a feeling of admiration and motivation coming from the reader. And the writer wonders… ‘Why feel so inspired to stand face to face with someone who has simply put truth into words and, for the sake of LIFE itself, will do anything they can to spread it? Isn't this a normal turn of events? Doesn't everyone do this?' Hummmm… The reader’s response and their enthusiasm are like a gift the writer graciously receives. But, due to not fully realizing the extent of work that has so far been done on the writer’s behalf, they feel such responses to be overwhelming.

Yesterday I realized just how life-changing this is going to be. This is full exposure of my everything… And it’s a huge test: Can I stand strong and be the representation of spirit I eventually describe, as a result of recovering from anorexia? Can I be the physical presence of the spiritual essence that comes to life in this book? Do I have it in me, to never feel negatively judged, criticized or labelled by society, now that I’ll most likely be speaking of the writing that is slowly reaching people? Can I cope with any possible scrutiny that may come my way? This is a test of the ability I have to be the strength of LIFE that comes when living in alignment with spirit.

If I pass the test, I can say ‘yes’ to all of these questions. And I’m not even going to consider it possible to answer anything else other than a definite 'yes' to these questions. Only the word ‘yes’ injects strength into everything. So, I’ve passed already!

So I keep myself balanced, grounded and centred. Is this a selfish act? Am I then self-centred? Not at all! On the contrary; it’s selfless act… Without centring myself, I can’t give what I’ve got… So, for the sake of giving to others, I have to consciously be giving enough to myself—on every level. Only then I’m in-tune and won’t ever lose sight of myself, won’t ever forget the intention that lies behind this journey and won’t ever shower myself with pressure, stress or feelings of doubt and fear. I’ve no space or time for such ‘showers’! Life is too precious, the doors are too open and opportunities are too welcome.      

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