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Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Juggling July

I’ve eloped from Arklow… I ran to the countryside on Sunday afternoon (or I should say, I caught a bus, and made my way to Kildare). I’m now visiting family for the week. I’m sitting at the kitchen table that looks out on their gorgeous luscious green garden. No sun just yet, but instead dark low clouds, swaying tall trees, a wind-chime in the background and 2 dogs at my feet wanting my attention… There’s a stove right beside me and a burning fire in the front room (even though it’s 15 degrees outside!). God, it’s good to get away!

Life has been pretty strange/different/odd as of lately. The past month has been one of the most revealing times I’ve had in a long while. July really brought so much to the surface and last week I realized that the amount of change I’ve been undergoing is almost too much for me to keep up with, if I fail to be at ease and keep the head clear. What’s been going on? To summarize briefly:

There’s the story of this next book that’s starting to take over (even though I’m hardly able to do any work on it at all (due to lack of focus), it’s always there in my head, working away nicely, growing in strength and waiting (sometimes) patiently for NIAMH to find her space and time so she can sit and let it flow, without distractions).

There’s the Reiki course I was introduced to (which took me more than a week to get over; my body was drained and many old fears, stale emotions and real truths came to the surface, which I had to deal with. I’m still up and down if I’m honest).

Then there was the Vision Seminar of last weekend that opened up many doors (this amazing event initially catapulted me forward to envision huge forthcoming potentialities, but then life around me—as I experience it from day to day—didn’t hold off in pulling me back down to earth to remind me of the work I have to do, HERE and NOW. This really shook me about, led to my questioning of realities and as a result, I was drained for days afterwards).

Alongside this I got stuck on the idea of moving SOMEWHERE... (I didn’t want this idea to remain a floating thought…but wanted it to happen sooooo badly. I therefore spent hours on end, for days at a time, searching the internet for a place to live in the west of Ireland. Did I find one? I found 100s! Did I choose one? No! Because I realized I was forcing something to happen and that it would backfire if I followed it through. So I’ve put it to one side for now).

As well there’s been the building anticipation of the upcoming book release. For months I’ve been feeling that I constantly have to reassure those around me (as well as myself) that the book REALLY IS on its way (simply because it's taken longer than we expected--wise lesson: we really should NEVER expect things to go in a certain way...oops!). The whole publishing journey has brought me to practise patience like never before. And I’ve been succeeding nicely by accepting that it’s on its way and accepting that I can't control the HOW and WHEN of its reveal! However just because I’m learning to feel at ease with the fact that the process of publishing takes on a life of its own and a time period of its own (which the author and publisher can only control to a certain degree…due to there being so many other different people involved, who have different priorities than the publisher and author have), doesn’t mean to say those around me have the same sense of ease and have let-go of anticipating what’s going to happen. 

Looking back, I’m actually shocked at how much pressure this has put on me. I know though that I’m the one who puts the stress on myself, so I can’t blame anyone for how I interpret their interest, love and support for what’s happening in my life. On the contrary, I’m sooooo grateful for everyone’s support, healthy anticipation and excitement for the launch of the book! It is quite huge for this to be happening, so of course people are looking forward to it! But, just so I can avoid putting the pressure on, I need to learn to NOT get tangled with other people's expectations and perceptions. Doing this only leads to confusion and chaos... we then lose focus, clarity and start to fear everything that's unknown... we get into a vicious spiral... on and on it goes... bla bla bla... I guess we know the drill by now... And everytime something happens that brings us off-focus, we're actually being subtly reminded of this: we MUST keep perceiving life through our OWN eyes, and not the eyes of people who are outside of ourselves. Just to avoid pressure... So simple! 

So, I've been juggling things, trying to get the balance right so I can keep dealing with the changes and continue flowing with life. Last week, I couldn't see clearly anymore. I was tangled, confused, lost in my positivity! How strange and contradictive... I guess just stepping out of everything for a while, clears things up. And now I see that these changes of the past month are really in aid of moving me forward and onwards from where I now am, in a balanced flow. Even though it’s overwhelming and almost too exciting at times, I have to go with it… Or else I hold myself back and life becomes rigid and I'm lost! I have to make conscious effort to feel balanced, so I can deal with everything that comes along my path. That way I don’t lose focus of what’s happening right HERE AND NOW… We can't force ease, or balance... it simply has to happen... and it only happens when we let-go... And right now, by letting-go, I'm seeing that things really all ARE happening... A move will soon be made and the book will soon be launched!!! Yay! Life is magic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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