09-02-2012 My Kerala bubble
Now that I’m leaving, I’m starting to distance myself from here and the world is opening up. Only now it’s becoming clear that I’ve been in bubble for some months. I’ve been away from ‘normality’ creating my own sense of ‘normality’ in India. I’ve had to… otherwise every single thing I see, smell, taste and think, as a result of where I am, would make me drive myself mental… (I won’t blame the place for going insane, because insanity is always created by the own mind, regardless of where a person is). Without having placed myself in a subconscious bubble, I’d be analyzing the people, their mannerisms and I’d be continuously annoyed by their bad habits and angry for the filth and grime they’ve accumulated here on this piece of the planet they claim to love so dearly, this piece that’s so luscious and rich but so spoilt by the people who ‘own’ it. I’d wreck my brain knowing this truth and it would wreck my head even more by simultaneously seeing the love in the eyes of every single person, if I’d be so willing to return every gaze that is thrown my way in every single moment whilst being out in the chaos of this ‘tiny’ village. I’ve not been willing to gaze back or to continuously smile or to forever say ‘hello’ to all the friendly people. Without my bubble I’d be wanting to know their thoughts, their reasons for judging me and staring. I’d be wrecking my head trying to make sense of what’s normal, of what’s fair, of what’s right and wrong. I’d wreck my head wondering if I’m approaching India in the right manner, if I’m learning enough from this experience, if I’m savouring it, appreciating it and not rejecting the goodness it’s offering me. I’d be continuously wondering if I’m giving enough smiles and if I’m refraining sufficiently from judging and criticising them and the bubble I feel THEY live in. So I placed myself in MY own bubble; the location of the bubble is Kerala. But what’s inside the bubble is my own world.
That bubble isn’t going to pop, now that I’m leaving. Nope, it’s going to change its location and its size. Usually it only takes a pin to ‘pop’ the bubble. But there’s no pin! My bubble in Kerala will expand. It will become bigger and bigger… The world is becoming bigger and what I’ve created here in my Kerala bubble will go with me as I move onwards and find the courage to take action.
So I’ve come to a point where I need to use my courage and strength to let what I’ve been creating inside, arise. The time has come to ACT. This is the inevitable flow of life, but the torture I’ve been making myself endure can also mean it’s the hardest part: to let life flow… to let the life inside flow to the surface. To be real, to be me… even if it means facing fears that were suppressed.
Time ticks, one day roles into the next and plans need to be made. A person needs to be somewhere in this world… and where to go, what to choose? Who to listen to?
For the past week, I’ve been sitting in the internet café almost daily. After school, I’d walk along the road in the scorching sun, making my way there. I’d greet the lady behind the counter who has been working there for the past 2 years and who remembered me from my last visit. I’d sit there for one or two hours in a little cubicle trying desperately to plan my life. I’d be checking buses, flights, jobs (in between writing and reading emails). I’ve had many different experiences in that cubicle, by the way; I’ve sat there in tears, when I heard of the book getting published, I’ve sat there in anger when the power would fail, I’ve sat there with nerves when I first spoke on skype with the publisher, I’ve sat there in fear when a cockroach had set up home on the wall, and for the past 2 days I’ve sat there with building desperation for knowing in what direction I must head but not having the guts to actually DO IT!
It was quite frustrating, because when I’ve been away from the internet, I’d know exactly what I’d want and where I should be going. But then once I get online… LOST! The world is too big, the options are too many… And I know it’s because the mind is tempted to go in 100 different ways (preferably all at once).
On a few instances over the past days, I’ve let my feelings guide me through cyber space. Then I know it’s the right thing. So, I’ve been sitting there in that stinking hot cubicle, with everything right there in front of me on the screen: the tickets, the connecting times, the different legs of the journey, everything fitting so perfectly. BUT STILL I’VE BEEN AT A LOSS! So I’d be waiting for a sign. I’d be waiting for somebody to tell me it’s okay to book this route (I’ve actually wanted somebody to BOOK IT FOR ME). When you’re travelling alone, there’s nobody else to turn to… only towards YOU… it sounds so simple (and 99.9% of the time it is) but I can tell you, that for 0.1% of the time, it can be the hardest thing to do. This realization – of it ONLY BEING ME - wasn’t enough to stop me from wishing for advice from outside of myself and to be hoping for somebody to maybe only listen to my rambles, just as a sounding board…
However, as I said, time ticks and one day roles into the next… and suddenly yesterday (the 8th) was the day to ACT. I knew I couldn’t procrastinate any longer. 2 days in a row, the signs actually did come whilst I was on the net wishing for them: on day 1 it was a call on my mobile from my mother; which only happens when it’s urgent. And her urgency was to ask me what my plans were. On day 2 it was an email that came through, whilst I was online… from the publisher, regarding the contract, the book cover and my plans. So… did I act? Yes I did… It’s going to start happening, in the next 3 days… from the 12th onwards…