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Sunday, February 19, 2012

Still I'll justify

So in my heart I know exactly where to go. I know this step is the right one. Because I’m going where I’m guaranteed peace, I’m guaranteed support, I’m guaranteed a bed, I’m guaranteed inspiration, and green surroundings. I’m guaranteed to be with people who recognize me as being me, who let me do what I need and who I never need to explain myself to. I’m also guaranteed connection with certain people who inspire me and who know me inside out. I’m guaranteed not to be the object of observation and I’m guaranteed a daily dose of green tea (without sugar) made in a teapot that’s clean!

Even whilst talking so clearly, I still had the same mental barriers I needed to overcome, once again: the old fears stating that I’m a failure for going home. Yes, this was one of the biggest fears of my life (I’m only recently starting to realize), even if I know it will be for a short period, even if I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, even if the memories of my previous 6 months in Ireland are quite amazing and I treasure them dearly, even if this time round it’s for the sake of supporting my biggest dream that’s currently coming true, even if returning is also for the sake of writing another book and creating (hopefully) some kind of magic that I can share with others. Man oh man… and my mind tells me I’m a failure for returning… what a ‘lieing little toe-rag!’

This shows that, just because we face a fear once, it doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. It can still reappear. Maybe it won’t be as strong and overcoming the fear once makes us more able to overcome it again; but faster, with less stress and frustration. But still it can arise again and last week, I faced it once more. And I needed to deal. This is what happened: whilst I was on the internet booking these flights; over and over the statement was being repeated in my mind; ‘failure for going home, failure for returning, you’re going backwards by going home, not moving forward, you’re showing weakness.’ But I managed to ignore it. I told that voice to stick its advice where the sun doesn’t shine, because if following my heart means I’m a failure and weak, then I’ll happily be the biggest loser and the weakest spirit in town! I managed to focus on how positive this step is for me. I won’t say ‘could be for me’ because I know there’s no ifs buts or maybe’s about it. This is going to lead me to better places and experiences. Really. I feel it so strongly.

Sorry… I keep getting sidetracked… When I was booking the flights, I’m sitting there in the cubicle. I started having panic attacks after booking 2 of the 3 tickets. Man oh man… I was having hot flushes. I wanted to scream, I was angry and I wanted to run. I got as far as booking the final leg, I was ready to confirm, ready to book. But it suddenly got too much. I shut down the internet within a minute, I got my bag, threw the money on the counter (usually I consider this to be rude, but here they do it whether they’re panicked or not…) and I ran out into the street. I felt as though my world had changed and the sightings around me were different… just because I’d booked the most important leg of the journey: my flight out of India and back to Europe. There was no turning back, I had to move things forward, into the unknown… and India – for the time being the known – I was leaving behind. Man oh man… I walked along that scorching piece of the road and felt so sad. I wanted to go and hug all these Indians. Then I wanted to shout in desperation for not being able to continue travelling. I wondered if I’d ever feel okay with the decision I’d made and the action I’d just taken. I was terrified, felt sick to my stomach for a while and trapped…

Slowly everything became a little calmer and I was able to reason with myself: Niamh, the visa is running out anyhow, and you have to be somewhere in the world! And if you’d already decided that Nepal was showing too many obstacles, when it came to going there purely for writing purposes, then why doubt your decision so intensely?!?! You have to do something with your time! Don’t be such a drama queen, you know what you want, you know your reasons for doing this and you know you’ll be able to finally express the writing you’ve been forced to suppress due to the teaching positions you’ve had over the past year. You know you wouldn’t appreciate travel and teaching, if your need to write is becoming an obsession almost… and most importantly, you know you don’t need to justify your actions to anybody!’ Quite funny for me to say this, because justifying is exactly what I’m doing, as if I need everyone to approve of my decision. Man oh man, niamh, lighten up…

And soon it happened. I lightened up… Only an hour after my panic attack and my silent screams. I was able to truly feel happy whilst telling the girls at the hostel that I’m going back for a while. To those around me, this was the most logical step. Nobody was shocked or delighted for me. Of course they didn’t understand how big a deal this is; they don’t know me that well at all. But I feel this is huge. It’s changing my whole perception of the road ahead. I guess a changing vision of the world will lead to more changes in my life. Wouw… I know I’ve been working hard for my life to head in this direction (the world of writing) but I never thought it would actually happen so suddenly, nor did I expect for it to feel so good. Wouw… finally what I’m meant to be doing, is going to happen… this is amazing.

With the visions before me of going home to write, I wasn’t saddened at all to leave the school. I was grateful for my time, I was happy I stayed and followed through what I’d committed myself to. My last day didn’t feel like the ending of anything, it felt like the start of a new adventure and I felt somewhat relieved that I no longer needed to be forcing or pretending.

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