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Sunday, February 19, 2012

Why oh why

So, my last note ended on the 9th. And the 12th has come and gone. It’s now already the 14th. And the days have just flown by. Where am I sitting now? I’m in Mumbai, in a tiny space in a guesthouse. I’m sitting on the bed in a single room, with clean sheets and towels, a flat screen tv on the wall, a private bathroom with hot water and constant supply of drinking water. And, the most important thing: peace for 24 hours.

Since the 9th, I’ve said goodbye to the school, the kids and the teachers (which happened on Friday evening, the 10th), I’ve said goodbye to Kayamkulam and I’ve boarded a train to take me on a 40 hour journey from there to here (this journey started on the 12th). This morning I arrived here in Mumbai (the 14th). I’ll be spending the next 24 hours chilling, gearing myself up for the next leg of the journey; I’ve to checkout of the guest house tomorrow morning, store my luggage, roam this chaotic city for 12 hours, get the train to the airport, wait there for around 7 hours and then on the 16th I’ll board the plane that’s leaving India and heading for… Europe!

Okay that was quite a lot of info to spill all in one go. I’ll rewind back to the 9th, which is when I was able to pluck up the courage and book a trip heading home. This has been the change of plan that has scared me quite a bit. It felt to be huge, drastic and too sudden… and that’s why I was wrecking my head when making the decision.

I first was so willing to go onwards to Nepal, or any other place that was different from India, different from Europe. So what happened to me following these ideas through? Well, the biggest break through of my life; the book getting publishing. When I first heard of the publishing, I’d initially said that May would see me back in Ireland; as it’s not until then that the publisher needs me to be home.

In the meantime, I thought I could pick-up a quick teaching job for 3 months, just to see me through. But the urge to write increased (I posted quite some words about this topic here on my blog last week). And the will to teach was becoming less and less. I couldn’t keep my mind on teaching anymore here in the job I just finished, so there was no way I was going to force myself to properly jobhunt and then actually follow a new teaching position through for another (long) 3 months. I know it can seem like a short length of time, but when you know the job is not what you (wholeheartedly) want (even before taking it on) and you know what you actually SHOULD be doing and, most importantly, you know that you CAN do it… then 3 months can feel like forever. And I didn’t want to waste that time… because that’s what it honestly would’ve felt like. I’d still be suppressing the urge to write, and I wouldn’t be happy. If I were to have chosen to go to South East Asia and teach, my mind wouldn’t have been there. I wouldn’t appreciate it because I’d only have taken the job as a time-filler. And time is too precious. So I couldn’t go in that direction. It felt wrong. Maybe it will feel right again… but it’s too soon to say.

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