As I sit and think and ponder about my next step, I can't help feeling like I'm not doing enough. It comes from both myself and from others who I've traveled with, or others who travel. Me and them, or all of us, are so eager to experience and read about my adventures.We are all so willing for me to be the same as I was when I was here first time round. We might even want me to be approaching this journey with the same attitude as I did when I was here 2 years ago. But it's not the same, it simply can't be.
I have so much I want and need to say, but I can't. This blog is different from my last. I set it up, with a different reason. Everyone who is tuned into this blog, also followed my first blog. So it's common knowledge what my last one was about. The contents of the 2 blogs were worlds apart. Not only in space and time, but also in mind and spirit. This blog is "supposed" to look at the world differently. It's "supposed" to look at me differently. It's "supposed" to experience life differently. But maybe it's all not as different as I'm willing to admit. The person who is writing this is still the same person who wrote the last blog. It's still the same girl who wants to always get the most out of life. It's the same girl who experienced every detail that was described in the last blog. It's also still the same girl who was in Oz, 2 years ago. This girl is the same, but not really. This girl is different, but still the same.
Is everyone waiting for me to get a move on, and start this adventure? Or am I just waiting for me to get myself into gear and explode with glee for being able to go and be and experience everything I want? To me, the adventure has already started. Or it's just still continuing as it was my first blog that contained an adventure of a lifetime and this one is the same, but lighthearted and easy, compared to what I was first going through. I want to travel like I did 2 years ago, or maybe I just feel I have to travel like I did 2 years ago and it's not for the need of wanting to. Am I just seeing what others are seeing, and therefore feeling pressured into acting accordingly? Am I truly eager to get going or have I changed in such a way that the tiniest little things in life are enough to make feel like I'm living my dream? Or maybe I haven't changed at all and I will still want more and more as I travel around and will never be satisfied? I might even loose sight of how amazing it is that I've made it to Oz?
This time in Oz, can never be the same as it was when I was here 2 years ago. I've changed in such a way that time is no longer of the essence. There was a reason for me coming back here and it wasn't to get drunk.. Okay, if it happens, it happens and I still love to part and have fun and dance and meet new people. But my attitude and my way of thinking isn't like it was back then. I don't want it to be, because I know how I paid for it. Others who DON'T know the ins and outs of my past year, would expect me to be like I was back then. Others who DO know the ins and outs of my past year, would probably expect me to be even more driven to go absolutely bonkers now that I'm back in this brilliant country and have the energy and the freedom to do whatever I want.
Am I trying to live up to what others expect of me or am I trying to live up to what I expect of myself? Am I truly willing to go crazy or am I truly able to go crazy and therefore shocked that I'm not yet doing so? I can't be quite sure. But what I am sure of is that I'm excited for what's to come. I'm excited to get moving again and that's not taking any expectations from travel buddies or buddies in general, into account. It feels so natural for me to not feel or be or travel the way I did the first time I was here. Is there a rush? Not at all. Is there pressure? Maybe from myself, but it's because of what I feel I should be doing instead of what I truly want to do.
I don't want to travel the way I did the first time I was here. I was to appreciate every step of this journey. I want to embrace the fact that I made it here, to begin with. Instead of getting stressed out about what to do and where to go and how quick can I see as much of the country that I haven't yet seen. A question such as: "I'm eager to know if your second year in oz will be different from your first year" just gets to me. Especially coming from someone who knows how different I look at life right now. It can never be the same.
Just because I've started this new blog, doesn't mean that the past year didn't happen. Just because I'm here, doesn't mean that all my others emotions and issues are forgotten. Yes, I've dealt with them, and when they come up, I'll deal with them again. But it has still had a profound effect on my approach towards life. I might be here on a working holiday visa. But I'm not really classing myself as a backpacker. I might have a backpack, but that's it. I will be working at some stage in the near future, for short periods of time and moving from one spot to another, like I did before. But it's not the same, it can't be the same.
I know where these thoughts of me not doing enough are coming from. They are just old habits that are dying hard. As I already said, I'm still taking different steps that will help me in feeling more settled within myself after being through a rough year. So I'm adjusting. That's the reason why I'm feeling like I should be doing so much more. Soon I will actually not feel the need, but I'll also want to. Because there are 2 things that I'm currently working towards and hoping they will actually happen. If they don't, I have other plans. If they do, then this life is the more amazing than I thought.
I'm here in Oz to finish what I started. That's exactly how I feel. I feel like I've been given a second chance to experience Oz. So do I feel the adrenaline of being in a new country? I don't really have that. I feel more blessed than anything else. I felt that same feeling the first time too, but then I felt the pressure was on, to do and go and see and experience everything. Now there's no pressure. I know what I want to aim for and I don't feel like I'm on a timeframe, even though my visa in only for a year. That might be why I sometimes feel like I'm not doing enough. The things I'm aiming for, are the things that are close to my heart. Whatever else comes along, is only a bonus, be it good or bad, or right or wrong. So time will tell if what I really want to happen, will come in to being or not. Time will tell.. there's no stress and there's no pressure. So all is well and good. I just have to be aware of the reasons as to why I'm doing what I'm doing..
No comments:
Post a Comment