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Monday, August 9, 2010

The blind search for jobs

8 days of being in Ireland. I reckon each day has started counting as 2. That’s how long I feel to be here. I’ve been up and down, I’ve been panicked and at ease, I’ve been sane and insane. I’ve been all over the place. In between spending time with the family and getting into the swing of things on Irish soil, or just on the home-front (which I slotted back into without any problems whatsoever), everybody’s life has been continuing. And so has mine. But I started to question what exactly I wanted my life to consist of, at this moment in time..

So far, most of my days have revolved around me pushing myself to find a job. I’ve spent many hours wrecking my head with questions, about what where to go. I got swamped with opportunities presented to me online and was starting to feel desperate. I felt I’d never get a job soon enough. And all I was doing was letting the whole world around me, pass me by. I was at home, for an uncertain amount of time, and all I was doing was getting sucked into the worries and stress that searching for a job brings with it. I was pushing, forcing and so eager to get on the road.

In my mind, I was already everywhere in the world. I was in Spain, I was back in India, I was in Russia, I was in China, Japan, Thailand.. The list is endless. I even temporarily moved my mind to Saudi Arabia! Why so scattered? Because I had no focus, nor had I a direction. Yes, I wanted to still get a teaching job. Yes I wanted to travel. And the job agencies offer great opportunities. It’s also fun to teach and I’ve got a certain way that seems to fit with the job. But, as the week evolved, I realized it didn’t feel to be what I was supposed to be focussing on, in my life right now.

I was so absorbed in the internet though and found it so hard to stop. The search felt to be endless, because I was lacking in focus. Also I didn’t have a sincere passion and desire to go a particular place on this amazing earth so as to experience it differently than the tourist, by taking on a teaching job. It sent me into head-spins.

What I found out I was driven by, was my own critical self. I was judging myself so harshly just by the amount of time I would end-up spending in Ireland. That’s exactly it! I came here without any expectations. I came without a timeframe in mind. I simply came to reconnect with the family and I knew that I‘d find out what I wanted to do, once I‘d get here. But I wasn’t letting myself take the time to figure it out though! Oh no! I also wasn’t going to give myself time to refuel or to take it easy or to rest. Oh no! So, this urge to keep going, was my reason for aimlessly searching the globe for teaching jobs. It meant I was proving that I was only passing through and that I was on a whirlwind journey which I urgently needed to continue! I found out though, that this was doing me no good at all..

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