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Monday, August 2, 2010

Not for me

Panicking on Thursday morning (22-07) made me reach a decision pretty quick and by the followiong day I was 100% sure that I had to leave Rome. I had come to the conclusion; there was nothing holding me back, only expectations of what friends and family may have had, by my first initial choice to visit David. Many expected, and openly said, that I’d probably stay, I’d get a job and that my options could be pretty big. I had an open-mind, in regards to every possibility Rome could have given me. And Thursday I knew it. There was nothing to keep me there.

A few reasons, led to me to want to leave. First: speaking with home and knowing how close I was; I knew it wouldn’t be long before I’d need to see them. Second: me and David knew that neither of us wanted to give up what we were working on, in our separate lives, for the sake of trying something we both knew wasn’t what we truly wanted, at this moment in time. What made this realization stronger was the change I could feel in myself; I’m more and more determined to focus on a few particular goals and simple dreams. India has brought me to value these goals; they were once only minor ideas, but I never fully embraced them and therefore I never wanted them to play an important role in my life. Now, coming back to someone who I spent amazing weeks with before I went to India, is teaching me how much more I’ve come to value these goals and dreams, than ever before. It’s also teaching me the importance of focus, which is needed to materialize the goals and dreams. It’s so brilliant to see this so clearly!

Other reasons for leaving: Regardless of Rome being the most beautiful city I’ve ever been in, it’s still a city. With cities often comes a feeling of enclosure and isolation. I knew the longer I’d stay, the more trapped I’d start to feel. And actually, this is exactly what started to happen on Thursday (still the 22nd by the way!). It wasn’t until I booked my ticket out of Rome, that I felt free and was able to appreciate once again.

I found that you can experience magic with a person, wherever in the world you may be. But if your personal need to be either “free on the road“”, or to be “free in a peaceful place” (with or without someone special), is overpowering any other need, then any amount of magic you experience, won’t give you a sense of belonging. I realized in Rome that in the haste of a city, when you’re there “too long”, the pace of life and the city-vibe starts owning you. You no longer feel to own yourself - as you did only so recently. With that loss of “owning yourself”, you don’t feel you belong within yourself. And when you don’t feel you belong within yourself, you can never feel to belong with a certain person or a certain environment. This gives a sense of being “lost” - which is what I experienced but so soon I got on top of it once again.

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