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Monday, August 9, 2010

Green grass of home

Being reunited with Ma, felt so safe and was actually very emotional. I hadn’t expected it. We made our way home, and all the way I was thinking (in between talking) of the ease in being in the place where I’m from. I was comparing being here to being in India; for the first time since leaving that country 3 weeks ago.

The urge to compare came out of the blue. The weeks that had taken place in between leaving India and arriving in Ireland (when I was in both Italy and Holland), suddenly felt like clear spaces of transition that held-on to a lesser part of me, no matter how much my sisters and friends mean to me. The manner in how I’d be looked at, spoken to and approached, when I was in India, was coming back to me. I felt free here in Ireland, I felt a sense of belonging and there was no pressure. In India I’d constantly be explaining where I was from, why and how long I was in India for, why I wasn’t married, why I was alone, how big my family was and who was waiting for me in Ireland. I was told maybe 100 times to “convey regards to the family in Ireland” by the people I would either briefly or more closely meet. And Saturday morning, I was back in the place I had spoken so much of, when answering to the sometimes too nosey Indians on a daily basis for the past 6 months. I was in the country and heading towards the home that people were so interested in.

I felt that time had passed. I could feel that I had changed in certain ways. My outlook, of course, but only for the better. Life for both the family here in Arklow, as well as for myself, has brought different challenges, different lessons and different forms of happiness with it. The ways of living, for both them and myself, couldn’t have been more different. The home-life has changed for everyone, because of the extra addition. My godson Cian. It was brilliant to finally meet him! He’s now 10 months old, as handsome as can be, with big beautiful blue eyes, and just one dimple on his left cheek when he smiles so openly; which is what he welcomed me with on Saturday morning. I was now apart of his young little life and his small cute world.

So things here are no longer as they were. Not only because of that extra little life that fills the house with fresh air and love, but also because of what I see due to my different outlook. I’m experiencing being back, as being different. I feel fuller than I did, 17 months ago. I can see the world full of opportunities and I can see myself leaving too. I don’t know how just yet, or when. But I have to keep approaching my being here with a sense of simply “touching base” to reconnect, as well as a time to chill-out, to refuel, to breathe in the ease of fitting-in somewhere and to belonging to a home. And I will keep the open vision of the world, with me, each day, to keep me inspired and driven to continue how I want to live.

At first I almost felt like a guest, in my own home. This is because I’ve been so used to being in other family homes over the past months, where I didn’t belong nor where I could properly speak my mind and be as I wished, but where I was always welcomed with open arms. Now, I was in the one and only place on earth where I was HOME. So it was strange that, for the first instant, I couldn’t quite place myself. Maybe it was tiredness, maybe it was the change in me, maybe it was the change in the home-environment, maybe it was the fact that their lives have been evolving, and I had witnessed little to nothing of it over the past year. It was most definitely a combination of all of these things.

However I soon realized that I WAS home - regardless of my wanting to keep on moving. I WAS home, because I was able to speak my mind. I was able to tell Ma exactly what was going on and how I was adjusting, without being looked at differently, or without hurting anybody. I realized, through reconnecting again, that I can still embrace a feeling of comfort, a feeling of unconditional love and a feeling of belonging. This doesn’t mean I’ll get stuck (which is actually something I thought WOULD happen - just by being comfortable in my home) . My passion to travel is alive. It’s there and it will stay there until it no longer is my main priority in life. For now though, it is.

So, as I embrace these days of being at home, I can set myself up for the next chapter. I’m in the perfect place for now. I’m where I need to be, and time will tell how long this “passage through Ireland” is meant to last..

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